I knew a girl (God bless that sweet girl)
Some big news is coming which I've been laboring over. Stay tuned. Hang onto your hats! I know, you wait with bated breath.
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I knew she was made of something better. I always knew. I secretly admired her most of my life. The last few years it was out in the open. Maybe it scared her, knowing a man saw her that way, but it wasn't anything to fear. I was always the most harmless and gentle man, even more so with her. I never once meant her any harm. If she could have seen my heart, she would have known she could trust me.
She knew I saw her as precious and beautiful. I saw what God did in her heart. I loved her greatly. She cared how I saw her, and, unfortunately, when I misrepresented her, she was hurt. Her hot anger told me how much I betrayed her. I vowed to not do that again, but the chance to do so quickly left my hands anyway. I was struck by that thought, though. She cared how I saw her. She cared enough to be angry. Her anger always amazed me. Let me say I don't want her to be angry with me, but when she is angry, I can tell for a brief moment she cares what this man thinks of her (even in his weak and stupid moments). And, truly, I think the world of her. I even like how she says my name when she's angry.
Though she may never read these words, I hope she knows my love for her remains strong. I knew a girl who was the opposite of what I saw in so many women. She changed the way I saw so many things. Though she is not in my life, her effect remains. I wish I had been a better man — and sooner — to give it a good try to be with her. Perhaps I was a fool to believe something like that could happen. Only God knows. All I know is I saw her for who she was and I loved her. Something big and beautiful broke open in me and I loved her with everything I had. I would have gone to the moon and back for her. What a fantastic woman, to still generate so much love and adoration long after we ended more than five years ago. She tried to move on with others; I miserably tried too. It never measured up to what I felt for her. Whatever is left of her in me ruined me for anything else. When you've had the best, what do you do with the rest?
I wish her the best in whatever she does. I pray the man who gets to hold her hand (oh, how I wish he were me) knows how incredible she is. I hope he doesn't say it as often as I did and scare her. He should hold his peace and know in his heart he found a treasure and treat her accordingly. She is wickedly smart, funny, and has the biggest heart I've ever seen. She loves God and wants to do the right thing. Her passion is big. She has so many thoughts. She feels with everything she has. If her hair was red, she'd be even more perfect, but can you imagine? Dang. With those freckles? It doesn't matter. I couldn't love her any more. I've seen the way men look at her. You can't improve upon that. But I see what a treasure she is on the inside, and that's what makes me love her. She is fantastically beautiful in all ways. It's no secret how attracted I am to her. But, more than anything else, I love that girl. The man who holds her will hold my whole world. Be gentle with her. She's been through hells she won't even tell you about. And what she does say will break your heart. How she remained kind through all of that is a miracle. I believe God will restore everything that was lost, broken, or stolen from her, and many times over. That's my prayer, though only God knows if I'll be there to see it come to fruition.
Sometimes we love something too much or too little and that's why we lose it. Sometimes we don't understand the value of what we have until it's broken, lost, or stolen. A part of me always knew she was the best I'd ever know. The man who loves her. I pray for him. I pray he's the best she'll ever know, too. I pray she'll see his heart and how it loves God, too, and beats for both Him and her. When he touches her, she won't recoil. He'll know what to do. What to say. He'll love her the way she wants and needs. And she will trust. Barriers between them won't exist. He'll hold her heart in sure hands. His touch will be a healing balm. His words like honey. He won't misunderstand her words. They will understand one another. No hopes dashed. Just love given and returned. He is a man like no other loving a woman like no other. My ceaseless prayers paved the way for him, at least in part. God bless that woman. She is deserving of so many blessings. I pray she has them all. God bless them both. Amen.
I knew a girl. I lost a girl. I still love that girl. God bless her and whatever she does next. I humbly apologize to Cindy for chasing her when she made it clear it wasn't something she desired. It's hard when everything you wanted is right in front of you. She didn't feel the same way about me, yet I pushed and pulled. I hope she reads this someday and accepts my apology. If we ever meet again, please be gentle with me. Doubtless I will still be in love. I never meant any harm. I'm just a man who fell really hard for you and couldn't move on in a reasonable amount of time. Please don't remember me this way.
Furthermore, I learned, if I should chase a woman, it isn't necessary to be so bold. If God is her guide, He will speak to her about me one way or the other. This eliminates much of the rejection I endured, rejection which made me try even harder, which made my overtures even more obnoxious, ending in even more rejection. It was a cycle that came to an end. The only vagary is how do I make my intentions known and leave it in God's hands at the same time? There is a fine line, but it's clear I don't need to be so overt. It will either be received or it won't, and there is no need to force it. This also frees her from unwanted pressure. Being chased by a man she doesn't want probably causes all sorts of distress, which negatively affects her well-being, forcing her to create a defensive strategy including avoidance, and ending in hard feelings. Most men know when a woman is accepting of their attention. The woman I chased for years was not. She's probably breathing a huge sigh of relief right now. She is free of me and whatever I was trying to do in my bumbling way. At least she didn't block me. Got away with a W on that one. When someone makes a choice to leave you out of their lives, you have to accept it. It doesn't matter how bad you want something, two cannot walk together unless they are in agreement. I don't think two people could have gotten any closer or farther apart than we did in life. (I always thought we'd be wonderful together. Just two people who want to please God walking together.) But, I'm still learning. Thank God He woke me up. God is teaching me. Whatever the future holds, I go forth a different man.
I hope the girl I love at least remembers with fondness the unique soul who loved her.
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Have been incredibly sick for a couple weeks now. But, my son is sick at the moment, too, so he's my priority. I don't know how to take care of a sick child, much less myself. But, I pray and God does everything I can't.
Thank you for reading. And God bless.
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