What will be
Those moments were so precious they seemed stolen. Those moments changed their whole lives because they basked in the afterglow of what was and simmered in the anticipation of what was to come. It was infinite, wide open, with no constraints. Their world changed when they fell in love, and when she whispered to him, "Run away with me."
They couldn't run far because they had lives and responsibilities. But the love for one another that coursed through their veins put a shine on everything, making the ordinary more beautiful and wild. She would drive away with kisses in her hair and on her neck and he could sense the lingering smell of her perfume on his fingers and lips. As rendezvous go, it was always tame and wholesome, just a taste of their future. She was the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen. He loved her. And she loved him. He thought the world of her, and she responded to the sound of his voice like it was poetry. When he whispered in her ears the things he thought of her, her heart overflowed with joy, her eyes closed, and a bashful smile spread across her lovely face.
They were so careful with each other. They had reason to be. They didn't want to screw this up. They couldn't. This was the love of their life looking into their eyes. They didn't cross any lines. It was a respectful and beautiful love. They waited, and now it was time. He held her like she fell from the stars. And she felt safe in his arms, safe for the first time in a long time. In moments like these, it was easy to say they were made for each other. Just holding her was worth the wait. Beholding her was too much. He had to close his eyes and soak up her smell, exhaling slowly and releasing a gentle moan. The last tense muscle in her neck relaxed as she nestled her head between his neck and shoulder, feeling complete. Feeling loved.
They didn't rush. They didn't make mistakes. They waited for the right time to fall in love again. They could have done it any time. The thought was there. The timing wasn't. They knew when they began, it would be hard to stop. So they pressed pause on a good thing, enduring patiently for something even better. Both had been through so much, and now they experienced a blessing and a love that made it worthwhile. So much pain was in their pasts. This wasn't that. This was new. This was a gift. She was perfect in his arms, and she felt adored and treasured. And he held the woman of his dreams.
It wasn't overwhelming. It was just nice. They both felt respect for one another and this new thing blossoming between them. It was a friendship between a man and woman, but it was so much more. It was a new world. Open doors. Hellos. A flutter in the chest. A smile on the drive to work for no apparent reason. An extra bounce in the step. Getting out of bed in the morning with pleasant thoughts of the day ahead and going to sleep with thoughts of what is to come.
You think I'm describing the past, as if it were etched in my memory, like it was yesterday. I'm not. I'm describing a possible future. I'm describing her and me and what could be.
***
A dilemma editing this was if I should change it to "he whispered ..." or keep it as is. Honestly, it should be him asking the question, but I liked it better this way because that's how it originally came to me, and thoroughly I enjoyed the image of her whispering in his ear something he undoubtedly longed to hear. It’s unexpected. And it is my whimsical fantasy, so that's that. Perhaps it is indicative of my heart’s desire that she feel completely free to do as she pleases. Should God ever bless me with having her in my life again, she will always be free to say what she wants, do what she wants, feel what she must, go where she pleases, and, in general, be completely free. My hope and prayer is being with me is a safe place for her — a place of trust, support, and love. Amen.
***
I love the sentiment of this. It seems impossibly far away at the moment. She probably won’t even read it. I’m going to take a break. Wish me luck out there. Actually, I don’t believe in luck. Just pray I’m faithful. God is taking away the last of my security blankets. I count at least three He is dealing with. That’s it. That’s all I have left. It won’t be pleasant, but I am committed to going forward.
Also, God is dealing with me about multiple things, and one is how I choose to see Cindy. He took her out of my life so we can talk about that, as well as other things holding me back from moving forward. Cindy is a wonderful, beautiful woman with a heart for God. I saw her as much more than that, though. She became too big for my heart to contain and God removed her from my life. This is correctable, as well as other things God put His finger on. God is moving. I want to move with Him. Last Saturday I was attacked spiritually where I felt a tremendous darkness come over me which left me feeling quite distraught. I fasted the next day and wrote things that weren’t true. I apologize to who I hurt. I couldn’t hear God’s voice because of the darkness, and it ended badly. I am committed to moving forward with my life and God’s plan, regardless of how I think it should look. In the springtime God warned me a time of darkness was coming and to do certain things. I haven’t done those things well enough. There is nothing like someone doing to you what you did to someone else to hammer home the reality of your sin. While I may feel I disqualified myself for certain blessings, only God knows. Regardless, I recommit myself to what I was told to do. I stumble, but God’s plan prevails. Pray I am faithful, if you feel led. Amen.
Thank you for reading. And God bless.
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