Saying I'm sorry
One of my posts that still gets hits is about saying I'm sorry. People really don't know how to apologize sometimes. I know I don't. But I'll try. This is a loose end I have been intending to tie up for quite some time with a specific girl but haven't had the chance to do so. I imagined myself holding her gently or falling to my knees and grabbing her ankles. I may not have the chance to do that, so this will have to suffice. Before I close this blog for good, these words have to be said. I hope she hears me and understands these words simply aren't enough. I can't express my remorse with words alone. I sought to make it up to her with actions, but even that isn't enough. Maybe over many years it would be possible.
When I moved to this town, we weren't talking and I told her I would leave her alone. I was intent on starting a new life here. I was focused on that. Then, out of the blue, she suggested we meet and discuss what went wrong with us. She explained. I listened and my heart broke. I was destroyed. I had no idea I hurt her that much. What was intended to be a fun time hurt her greatly. I didn't know what I did until nearly 5 years later. There are no words to explain how much I hated myself after that. How much guilt and shame and self-condemnation I felt. How much remorse. I can't take my actions back. But, in the intervening years, I firmly believe I became a better man. I learned. I understood. Sometimes things have to be taken from us so we can see them in the fullness of their beauty. I’m sure everyone knows what I mean.
The issue remains. How does one apologize? With tears? Done. With prayer? I've exhausted my prayers. In person? I tried. A private sin against someone should be confessed in private. A public sin should be apologized for in public. This is my only way of speaking to her. I hope she hears.
Cindy, I'm dearly sorry for how I treated you that summer five years ago. I know it may be water under the bridge, but it pains me greatly to consider the ramifications of what I did. True, I didn't understand then. That's how stupid I was. I'm so sorry for my carelessness with such a precious woman. Please forgive me. I love you dearly and would never hurt you like that again. (Certainly not knowingly.) I'm not asking for another chance. Only God knows if that's possible. I'm just asking that you realize it was unintentional. I'm not a perfect man. And I never knew being with the perfect woman was even possible. I couldn't have conceived of how it would make you feel. I answered to God for what I did. I faced Him. I cried bitter, repentant tears. I broke in so many ways. I lay prostrate before you, Cindy, and offer up anything you want for restitution. I'll repay it seven times over.
Holding you was unlike holding anything I've ever known. So precious and perfect and strong yet fragile. I hate myself so much for hurting you. It would have been better to not have had that opportunity. You are made of stars and planets and rays of sunshine, bird song and laughter and rain and flowers opening tenderly. And I'm made of all things stupid and base and brutal. You are timeless and my time has run out. All I ask is that you hear my apology and know I wish I could take it back with all my heart. I loved you and always will. Part of love is being accountable. I recognize I wronged you.
I don't know what else I could possibly say to make it better. Words are weak and insufficient. I've tried to become a better person in every way possible. God put a lot of work into me. I know it doesn't make any difference now; what's done is done. But, at least I learned from my mistakes. I didn't know how to handle such a treasure. I believe I do now, should I ever get the chance again. God willing.
My next post will be more upbeat. This blog is done, as far as I'm concerned, but I will probably post sporadically. Right now, I'm running low on inspiration and would much rather live my life that write about it. And then maybe come back some day when I have something to write about. I won't write about this thread anymore. It is fully exhausted. What's done is done. I have to forgive myself and move forward. And just do my best day in and day out before my God. Walk humbly. Be merciful (to others, of course, but also to myself). That's all that's left to do. That and, well, trying not to feel sorry for myself (wish me luck). Part of moving forward is accepting we make mistakes. My mistakes were just about the worst I could imagine. Here again forgiveness becomes paramount. I cried as I wrote this, of course. But tears don't matter. Nothing matters but trying to do better. Some days I do better. Some days I don't. What matters is I at least try. God willing, something someday will come of all this pain and these mistakes. In the meantime, I may need a different hobby. Maybe I’m just tired, but I don’t want to write this blog anymore. Certainly not posts like this.
In the future, I won't be hard when someone tells me I wronged them. I want to be humble and gentle and kind. I will apologize. I will make amends, if possible. And I will try again tomorrow.
I'd also like to apologize for anyone following along. This isn't the story I intended to write. This isn't what I wanted to document. (I wanted to write a glorious reversal of fortune.) It is, however, how my life played out. It is accurate, at least. No one can say I wrote here to make myself look good. A new post will be along in a bit.
Thank you for reading. And God bless.
My Tumblr. In case you need more.
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