Another deep dive into the retro universe

If you harbored any questions about my sanity, you are now likely alarmed. Because, once again, I'm choosing to write about retro/vintage stuff. By now you should be used to it, so tag along and have some fun, if you like. Or hang out on the brain-rot that is TikTok while the rest of us have fun. Those are your options. 

I have no idea what the above advertisement says, but it makes me want that boat of a Mercedes. What a good-looking vehicle. Clearly, this is not from our era. A lot of what drives my retro obsession is nostalgia. (And I could keep writing these forever, but, hopefully, this is the last one.) If I was lucky enough to be one of the 1% of people who owned a car in that era, I sure hope it would have been a Mercedes like that. This is the traditional role of advertising. It makes you aspire to something. Now, not so much. It's more of a social re-education thing going on. But, at its core, advertising is propaganda. True then and now, regardless of what they're selling, whether it be luxury cars or social mores. 

This is another old one. Models are the context. Notice how models have changed over the years. This was the shape to aspire to: thin. These are not working-class ladies. These are leisure-class ladies. Smartly dressed. But they aren't real women.

These are real women. This is from the 60s. They aren't as thin (the desirability of thin women is a social construct). But, I would say they are not overweight. They look radiant and healthy and happy. These are what I think of when we talk about models from previous eras. If you look at models today, you'll find thinness is still a factor, though unattainably so, and unhealthy in many cases. Then we have the push to "normalize" all body types, so you see fat girls thrown in, too, even though being fat is always a health hazard. Not that the fashion world cares about anyone's health. There is a a lot we can say about women's body image, and what they see impacts that a lot. It's so unhealthy to have a young girl look at unattainable body types all day long, such as what is found on social media. Social media is unhealthy in so many ways. Think of the people who go on vacation and post a million photos and it's great all around. But do those folks think about the guy who is struggling to put food on the table and get his life together who is looking at those photos and suddenly feeling really bad about his life? Even when it's done right, it can be really bad for someone. It's built in to social media to be unhealthy. Basically, no one really needs to see all that. If it made you feel good, isn't that enough? You had a special time. Good. Keep it to yourself. Or don't. I don't care. But be aware someone out there is going to feel bad when you post your highlights, even though we are all aware it's only highlights. A bit of a rant, I realize. Maybe it's because I'm a private person and I really don't care how much you love your wife. Love her in private, you dolt. Why do I need to know you love your wife? I assume you do; that's why you effing married her. Note to self: stop ranting; it's scaring people. Honestly, I like it when people post their highlights. Like, way to go man. You shot a lion? From a helicopter? And then had the hide turned into a coat for your supermodel girlfriend in Costa Rica where they don't even wear coats? Nice. I will like that. But, let's put it this way, when I'm depressed, going to social media to kill time is not a good idea. I know better than to compare my life to others' lives, especially those who haven't had the same challenges. And, how can I be inferior when I am the only person like me in the world? To whom can I accurately compare myself? 

The female form has been used to sell products for ages. Here, illogically, a female is draped on a car's hood. Also, notice Audi is using the cultural backdrop of the age because she isn't just a girl; she's a flower girl. Companies like to infiltrate the cultural ether just enough to appear like they belong, when, in fact, they couldn't give a hoot. They just want to sell product. If it makes you more likely to buy the car, they'll put a flower girl on the hood, though. I think it's funny the LGBTQ+ stuff is celebrated here in the States by companies, but those same companies won't even mention it on their Middle East accounts. Wonder why? All those deviations are not accepted there. In fact, they are often illegal and punishable by death.

Another thing companies do is they try to become a part of the fabric of your life without you even thinking about it. They want to be indispensable. What did people do before ... fill in the blank. We got along alright. But companies want to sell product and keep selling, and the most successful way to do that is to become absolutely indispensable. What would we do without our telephones? Even if we don't use them as telephones anymore? Get kids used to something and they'll buy it their whole lives. That's another thing I see in the above ad. 

Here is another one that says, "Make us a part of your routine." Not only that, but make it downright rude not to use your product. Haha. That's brilliant. 

I'm not entirely sure what they ad says. But they are selling some scooters. I like the colors. But are they preying on the male fantasy of having two girls at once? Kinda looks like it. Or, at least, they want to say buying this product will give you an abundance of female attention. And don't you want to be like that guy? Personally, I've never wanted more than one woman. And I've never wanted a scooter, either. Have at it, buddy. And good luck with those grass stains on your white pants and shirt. 

What is so crazy about vanilla ice cream? Oh, you put some color in it. Good for you. Will it make me want to play music and clap my hands? Apparently. So cray. 

I'm not a woman, so I can't say for sure if two more inches really makes a difference. I mean, mostly women used the stove back then. That is a pretty impressive stove. It's quite big and has "more broiler." As long as it keeps her happy, give her that extra two inches. 

How does she do it? You couldn't help yourself and you put four kids in her, my guy. Now she doesn't have time to eat or do anything besides wipe snotty noses and bandage knees and ... drink Tab, which is a low-calorie soft drink (but those usually had a good bit of caffeine). Girl, you need your energy. Don't be drinking low-calorie soft drinks. And you need energy to fight off that guy so he doesn't put another kid in you. Unless you're into that, which, apparently, you are. I admire families with lots of kids. I don't know how they do it, but I can't help but admire. 

Stop staring at me and pick that girl up! I don't get the big-buckle thing, but she sure looks enamored with it. How would people dress if they didn't have the thought of what the opposite sex would think? Or those of their own gender? Heck, we'd probably all go naked. And, that, my friends, at least for me, is not a good look. Big buckle it is. 

Here's another trend or two I don't get. It's good that trends come and go. There are too many things to point out here, but thank God that outfit graced a dumpster years ago instead of continuing to afflict us with its heinousness. She thought she was the bomb, standing next to her giant entertainment system and with her slim cigarettes and pillows on the floor (artfully arranged, of course). Okay, moving on. 

Let me get this straight. You buy margarine and get free nylons? You don't see people wearing nylons much anymore. I think the 80s were the last gasp for that trend. And I hope people don't still eat margarine because it's really not good for you. Don't let that little girl buy that margarine. She's gonna have clogged arteries and runs in her nylons in her future! 

I don't know about the Florida glow, but I'd sure like to take a magic-carpet ride! I watch a lot of YouTube when I'm bored. I watch Tampa Jay (he and his girlfriend are adorable), who visits a lot of Old Florida sites. Old Florida is more my pace. Yes, I've done Disney World and Universal Studios theme parks. But I prefer the old attractions. Maybe because I'm old. 

I had to look up "grapefruit shrub," and, frankly, I'm a little disappointed in y'all, drinking alcohol at breakfast. I guess it doesn't have to have alcohol. Honestly, it looks like someone cracked some fresh eggs in that drink. The rest of it looks pretty good. I like a nice, hearty breakfast. 

Someone please shoot me if I ever show up to life looking like that. There is a new tennis facility in town. I should go looking like that. And bring my beer with me. Actually, the guys on the golf courses look about like this. Maybe I should hang out with them instead. They're sure to be drinking. Oh, that's right. I don't drink anymore. Scrap that.

This guy looks like he's made out of clay. Why is his forehead so small? And has he never seen Budweiser in a glass? He's mesmerized. Why is he sitting so low at that table? Is he exceptionally small or is the table for giants? Why do I keep staring at the painting in the background? Too many questions. Not enough answers. 

Placemats. And fabric napkins! You don't see those much anymore. I remember them. It was probably just another thing for mom to clean up. We should bring back scenes like these, replete with period-specific food. It looks so cozy. What kind of casserole is mom cooking tonight? 

These are, frankly, adorable. I wish I had a set of these. These are Libbey Glass. I once went to the Libbey Glass outlet in Toledo, Ohio, and never saw anything as fancy as these. 

This one is intriguing for a couple of reasons. First, it says "almost everyone ..." and that just leaves me hanging. Who doesn't appreciate the best? Who are those sad souls? Not these two, of course. The second intrigue is this man looks a bit like a young Ryan Reynolds. Is he a time traveler? Are they staring at the one person who doesn't appreciate the best? I hope so. Jump on the bandwagon, pal. 

Yikes. You couldn't get away with this one today. You can't reference cotton picking without bringing to mind the image of slavery and racism and all of that. This is a rather ugly ad for that reason. 

Another ugly ad. I always felt sorry for those who were chosen to model for these products. Most likely they didn't know they would be chosen for this ad campaign. Those are likely stock images. Can you imagine your joy-turned-horror to find out 1) your images were chosen for an advertisement and then 2) you found out what the advertisement was? Poor Jenny. She is forever the intimate-odor girl. And why is it spelled like that? Are we fancy all of a sudden? Oh, no, it's odour. Haha, what a travesty. 

Speaking of travesties, can you imagine getting only six meatballs in your delicious canned spaghetti? That is the opposite of magnifico. 

I don't even know what this is. There comes a point when products become so uselessly foreign to us that we simply stop buying them. Or maybe I just don't get what they're selling. If I'm too stupid to know what this is, I probably don't need it. Pass. 

Here's something you don't see much anymore. A built-in trash compactor in the kitchen. Those actually used to be all the rage. I wonder why we don't compact our trash anymore. I guess we just take it outside and put it in the trash can. 

Sure, less than a minute and a half ... unless I'm doing it. I must have two left hands or something. I'm so glad we now have things like frustration-free packaging. Cus I'm frequently frustrated by things like packaging. Sometimes I'd rather not open a package and let it sit unopened until I get up the nerve to even try. Or, maybe I'm just lazy. 

Cus this is what the world is missing. Bring it back! Actually, I have central cooling (and heat) now, so it's quite nice not having a window unit. I recall the bygone era of my youth messing with such things. And, even a couple of years ago, I had one. I used it to drown out the sounds of bar life in small-town tourist-town South Dakota. Sometimes the air turned blue, but it wasn't because of the air conditioner (or its fancy colors). It was because someone was having a brawl. I don't miss that. Perhaps I should write a new post about how my perception of my new town has changed now that I've been here a while. Something for the hopper, perhaps. 

Remember when people used to dress up for a day at the beach? No? Neither do I. But, look at that tailgating madness! Have you ever seen so much food in your life? This was America in the era of abundance. Life was good. Bring it back. 

Charlie Tuna! I think this should read, "There's something fishy about this t-shirt." Dumb. The whole thing is dumb. Does a tuna can really need a mascot to sell tuna? Get the kids hooked, Hal. You can hear the ad sales meeting on that one. We'll call him Charlie Tuna. I recall an advertiser asking to put a branded image in their ad (Charlie Tuna, actually), and I had to do it. I felt so dirty. Things like that are highly protected. I could have gotten sued and lost my shirt. And it wouldn't have been a Charlie Tuna shirt, unfortunately. What's up with mascots that sell their own kind into people's homes? Like how pigs sell ham and bacon and chickens sell chicken sandwiches and eggs. It's insane! How does that make sense? Whatever, buddy. Here's a t-shirt to forget about it. 

Did families ever dress like this? I mean, sane ones? These guys are in a cult. Even their haircuts are Stepford Wives samesies. Moving on. Quickly. Before they grab us and make us learn Gregorian chants or something. 

I'm pretty sure this is where those cult children go to study. This is my room. The red room. Except for one wall where I hang my chair and my few remaining dreams. Like racing cars and eating fruit. Get to work, Bobby. Those chants don't memorize themselves. 

This is a bit cheeky for an ad from (I'm guessing) the 50s or possibly the 60s (not as cheeky if it was the 60s, though). So much nakey. Even the baby in the bathwater is nakey. Like to shampoo in the shower? What kind of question is that, man? Get out of my house. 

One letter makes a heckuva lot of difference (something many on social media have yet to figure out). This would be quite a different publication if it said, "Spinning and Dying the Natural Way." I'm guessing this is from the 70s when natural and homespun were all the rage. 

I believe this was the 7os, too. Ah, America in the 70s. What are parents making their kids do now? Dragging them to drag shows where transvestites expose themselves and signs hang on the wall that say, "It won't lick itself" and kids can put dollar bills in the strange-man-dressed-as-a-woman's "cleavage." Definitely not progress. No wonder we have a dearth of people in the trades. I bet my son would actually do this, if I gave him this book. He would buy the lumber himself (he has accrued quite a few dollar bills, but they ain't for nasty-man strippers). He wants to buy cars (he has about 100) and boats (has a few) and helicopters (some of those, too). He's, like, straight out of the 80s when greed was good. We're talking about what he's going to get for his first car. It's quite insightful. He has a lot of ideas. I can't say they're bad. Just not sure they're all doable. We'll see. If he keeps hoarding hard cash, he can get whatever he wants. 

I feel like we're interrupting these two in the middle of a moment. Chuck (aka "Crazylegs"), why would you rather play with that dumb old football when you can play seashells with me? Luke, you always want to play with seashells. Why can't we do what I want to do? We'll leave them alone to sort it out. 

Thanks for taking another adventure down memory lane with me. This is probably the last one, and I'm sure y'all are thankful for that. I brainstormed several ideas for future posts, but the future of this blog is not in my hands. (Definitely something shorter is in order.) As well as everything else. Thank God for that. Take care. 

Thank you for reading. And God bless.

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