my careless contagion

Her lips moved against mine. I was vaguely aware she was saying something, then her body moved away from mine. An ache moved through me as her fingers trailed down my arm and across my hand and finally my fingertips. She stood next to me for a moment and then she was gone. That was my dream. It wasn't an erotic dream. Just a dream. What remained after the dream was the sense of feeling worthwhile. I've gone for so long thinking I have no worth. It seems inconceivable for a woman to touch me. If a dream can arouse such feelings in me, then it's clear I was getting a lot of my self-worth from being physical with a woman. Or from any physical touch, for that matter. I wouldn't normally write about a dream like this, but it reminded me of something. In any relationship, it's important to understand love languages. My primary love language is physical touch. I'm one of the easiest to please. I didn't always know about love languages. A dear friend expla...

My white bears (hastily scrawled): 1) End up alone 2) Angry 3) Defeated 4) Paralyzed 5) Drinking 6) Twisted up (whatever that means) 7) Suicide I read an article a few months ago about facing your white bears, which are unwanted thoughts (a bit more:  http://www.apa.org/monitor/ 2011/10/unwanted-thoughts.aspx ), often worst-case scenarios. The idea of writing them down is thought to be helpful because once you put these things in front of you, you can take them apart. By taking them apart, you realize these are things you've either previously dealt with or are figureoutable. Once you say them or write them down, you realize these are common problems and you already have the tools to deal with them. In essence, they become smaller on paper than in your mind.  When I got divorced, I was faced with a variety of fears and uncertainties. I wrote down the seven scariest. I've already experienced the top four. Number six, I suppose, means that my inside...