The white bears

My white bears (hastily scrawled):

1) End up alone

2) Angry

3) Defeated

4) Paralyzed

5) Drinking

6) Twisted up (whatever that means)

7) Suicide

I read an article a few months ago about facing your white bears, which are unwanted thoughts (a bit more: http://www.apa.org/monitor/2011/10/unwanted-thoughts.aspx), often worst-case scenarios. The idea of writing them down is thought to be helpful because once you put these things in front of you, you can take them apart. By taking them apart, you realize these are things you've either previously dealt with or are figureoutable. Once you say them or write them down, you realize these are common problems and you already have the tools to deal with them. In essence, they become smaller on paper than in your mind. 

When I got divorced, I was faced with a variety of fears and uncertainties. I wrote down the seven scariest. I've already experienced the top four. Number six, I suppose, means that my insides get bunched up and I don't know how to deal with my emotions anymore. I've yet to face number seven. 

Number one (ending up alone) was the most terrifying fear I faced. This was a huge deterrent years ago when I first told my wife that I was going to leave her. When I finally decided to do it, I realized I would really have to be alone. My heart started pounding out of my chest. When I was faced with the thought of being alone the rest of my life or remaining married, I decided it was better to be alone. In September when I camped at Beulah, Wyoming, I heard God tell me that I had to be okay with alone with Him. It had to be okay if I wasn't with a woman. 

As I began to spend more time thinking about being alone, I realized I was actually excited about the prospect of it. I began to plan for it, purchasing things I'd need for my own place. And, now, of course, it's a reality. It's no longer a white bear. 

Number two (being angry) is what I'm currently dealing with. I'm angry that I had to choose such a radical ordeal in order to maintain my dignity and sanity. I vacillate between sadness and anger. In time, the anger will have to go because it's one of the most unhealthy emotions to entertain. It's part of the process, and that's the only reason why I'm okay with it right now.

Number three (feeling defeated) is where my head has been for quite some time. This could just be a natural state of being for me. I've erased many of the goals I've had for myself and replaced them with reachable goals just to give myself a short-term boost. We'll see if this tactic pays off. 

Number four (feeling paralyzed) is something I actively work against every day. When someone has faced a significant foe, whether they win or lose, the tendency is to go rest afterward and recoup. It's healthy, but it can lead to paralysis. It's okay to just be. But, after a while, it will be time to move in some direction, any direction, to regain a sense of ownership over your life. 

Number five (drinking) I don't wish to return to, as I'm a recovering alcoholic. This is something I don't ever want to do again. 

Number six (being twisted up inside) is a daily battle. My blog is my therapy for understanding and dealing with my thoughts and emotions. Much like the white bears, it's easier to imagine a solution for something you feel you understand or can see in front of you. Once you say it, it becomes smaller. Letting the thoughts and feelings overcome you because you hide them isn't doing anyone any favors. It's just prolonging the inevitable. 

Number seven (suicide) is not something I contemplate. This is a surprise, as I have struggled with suicidal thoughts most of my life. Even though I've gone through some tremendously dark and difficult times lately, there is a spark in me. I've seen real change, and it's exciting. 

Those are my white bears. Once you state your fears, they lose power. Once you attack them one by one, instead of letting them gang up on you all at once, you can make progress.