Drive my soul

This song and these lyrics have haunted my thoughts for years. Let's put aside the fact I once thought Lights (originally Valerie Poxleitner) was very attractive. If that's all this post was about, I wouldn't bother. I find her just plain weird these days, but that's beside the point. This song is not about driving a Kia Soul, although that thought has crossed my mind. It would have been a strange song to use in a car commercial, but I might be a proud owner of a Kia right now if that had been the case. 

What I once thought was a silly, cute little song has stuck in my head and heart way too long to just brush it aside once more. There's something here I need to talk about. 

When you live with someone for a number of years, you begin to identify with them in little ways. Then the little ways become big ways. They talk about you and you talk about them, and it's like you disappear. You're into them to the point that you actually do sometimes disappear. People talk about their better halves. They talk about becoming "one." You've merged into a unit. 

When that union ends, you struggle with who you are. You were someone's husband or someone's wife. You realize you picked up so many of their attitudes and beliefs that it makes you sick sometimes, like actually nauseous. It's an identity crisis unlike anything you can recall. You don't know who you are. For me, I continue to have dissociative episodes, which is a sign of significant disruption in your life, but I've begun to attribute it mostly to my loss of identity. It takes a significant amount of time to readjust, to take control, to tell the world who you are again. What were your interests 20-plus years ago? Does it even matter now? You scramble to find yourself again, which seems selfish and gross at this point in life, but you have to do it anyway.

There is an agreement that people make, usually unspoken, when they're in a relationship. Over time, that agreement can change if subtle cues are picked up on. If it isn't communicated correctly in a timely manner, then problems start to crop up. It may be stuff like who gets the groceries, who does certain things for the kids, who calls for an oil change, who mows the lawn, how you expect to be spoken to, how you like to make love, what kind of freedom you have to do certain things, etc. Not listening to that person when they need to change is like telling them they're in prison. I was in that prison with my ex-wife. She wanted me a certain way, and I could not change. The only choice I had was to either die inside (the rest of the way) or leave my marriage.

I still want to say "we," even though we are not we anymore. I find myself redacting her name in conversations. If I ever date a woman again, I don't want to be the guy who's sitting there talking about his ex-wife the whole time. I want to be present; I want to be interested in her. I can't be locked up in a former life or I'll never move forward. 

I identify with this song so much right now. Not because I feel lost in space. Okay, maybe a little. It's just another reminder of how much I put into my relationship, how much I sacrificed, how much I lost. It says, "I feel found when you are near." That's codependency, my friends. For such a headstrong, independent man, codependency is heresy of the worst kind. Still, I have no one to blame but me. I trusted her. I invested myself in her. She was like a pyramid scheme that never paid off. 

When the song says, "You're the only road I know," I have to admit, that's true. She was the only woman I really knew. I met many women in my life, talked with many of them, had friendships with quite a few (because women are usually easier to talk to about anything than men are). Men usually stick to safe subjects, which makes them harder to talk to. Or maybe I just see my dad and my brothers (and I become a brick wall) when I talk to other men. In any case, she was the only road I knew. 

There's something very jarring and unsettling that happens to your sense of self when you get a divorce. You have to weather it or you'll never move on. A lot of people who get divorced realize they're happier being alone than they ever were in a relationship. Society tells us that's failure, but those people know society isn't always right. As messed up as I am right now, I'm not sure my identity is ever going to look good again. But, I know being in a relationship right now wouldn't be fair to me or the other person. 

I've passed the six-month mark since my divorce. That feels like a huge milestone for me. This year feels like such a throwaway year, but I have also seen so much progress, some incremental, some monumental. 

Part of that progress is seeing that I am, indeed, an individual. I can make choices. I can change my mind. I don't have to feel locked into a dead-end agreement. A relationship shouldn't feel like a prison. People change, and that's not a bad thing. Right now, what I want from a relationship is mutual giving. Sometimes it can be like "The Gift of the Magi," where you're both giving too much and you end up giving what makes you unique away. It occurs to me that we're taught that kind of love is ideal. Well, now I question that. 

Love sometimes makes us blind, makes us stupid, makes us do things that are clearly not in our best interests. But, you know what? What are the chances I can change how I love? I know how I am. I know how I give myself in a relationship. Maybe there's truly nothing wrong with that kind of giving. Maybe it was all just a poor choice of my object of affection. 

Seems somebody put out the moon

Now the road is a minefield

I can't follow the way she moves

I can't see past the shadows

You make the darkness disappear

I feel found when you stay near

I know where I am when you are here

My way becomes so clear

When you are gone

Will I lose control?

You are the only road I know

You show me where to go

Who will drive my soul?

Seems somebody burned out the signs

I can't expect the hard curves

There are no borders

There are no lines

How can I know where to turn?

You make the street lights reappear

I feel bright when you stand near

I know what I am when you are here

My place becomes so clear

When you are gone

Will I lose control?

You're the only road I know

You show me where to go

Who will drive my soul?

Will I lose control?

You're the only road that I know

You show me where to go

Who will drive my soul?

Drive my soul

When you're gone

Will I lose control?

You're the only road I know

You show me where to go

Who will drive my soul?