Apologies

I don't know which is more brutal, my heart or my mind. They take turns pummeling me, berating me, striking me down, and dragging me through the streets of regret. 

I'm so sorry. I never should have let this happen. If God would let me restore what I've taken from you, I would — 700 fold. 

I feel sick to my stomach every single day considering what I've done. I've sought God with tears night and day and in the middle of the night for a way to put you and your family back together, to bind up these broken hearts, to heal the wounded spirits. My hands are so short, and the answers seem just out of reach. 

My dear, I love you too much to have hurt you like this, to have taken anything from you. All I wanted was to add more to your life. Instead, I've broken it like a beast. Like a murderer, I've injected your lives with suffering. I've taken the best things — the nearest and dearest things to you — and I've slit their throats before your eyes. I've brutalized your perfect home, your hopes, your dreams, and your children. I've set fire to your future and tainted your past. There is not a more despicable man than I. Looking in the mirror, I see a brute, a beast, an ugly stain I won't even call a man. 

If there is any way in heaven or on earth you could forgive me, please take pity on me. I've thrown my heart against the wall a hundred times asking for answers. I've prayed my pitiful prayers thousands of times. The answers tell me to be calm, to keep praying, to be patient. But how can I do those things when you're bleeding dry? How can I watch you break apart? If I could burn my body and my love to keep you warm, I would. If I could auction my flesh to bring the love of your life back to you, I would. If I could change hearts and minds, I wouldn't hesitate. 

I'm not sure what love looks like, but this feels like the most hateful thing that's happening to you. I'd go back to the day I met you or the day I should have kissed you in a heartbeat if I could change any of this. I'd go back to the day we started talking again, and I'd lay silent if I could have prevented any of this. I just wanted your life to be as perfect as you are. I just wanted for you what you deserved — the best. I'm so sorry I got in the way of that. 

My dear, please don't think of me as I am. I hope you see I meant no harm. I could have been so much better for you. I wanted to show you the world you deserve. In the end, all I have are my apologies.