Taking credit

Let's try something different. 

I've examined many of my faults and failures. I've tried to right things that are wrong. I've flagellated and abused myself; I've cried and fumed and thrown my hands up. Sometimes you have to admit to yourself things could have gone a whole lot of other undesirable directions. What happened in your life happened for a reason, whether you can figure it out or not. So, accept it and move on. 

I issued a challenge to myself to find some good things I could take credit for. I may end up saying that I can't take credit for anything, as my life has been touched by God. If anyone gets the credit, it is Him. That is true, of course. God gets all the credit. But, let's look at some of the things He used me to accomplish.  

When I thought I'd never get to have a child, it happened. It was too late in life; it was extremely stressful for wife and child and me, but it happened. God blessed me with a son. I would have liked to have had a big family, but my son is worth a "passelful" as my mom says. It's true. I can barely handle him most days, and some days I'm pretty sure I can't. 

I was allowed to start over in life at the age of 36. That was a tremendous opportunity I thought I'd never have. I moved to another state, started a new job, and found a little place to live. Not long after, my son arrived. It was an amazing experience to start over so late in life. I don't ever want to take what happened to me for granted. 

When I thought I was going to live my life alone, I ended up spending 20+ years with a woman. I saw that I am, indeed, capable of being in a relationship. I'm also capable of ending a relationship, as my divorce showed me. Relationships and ending relationships can be difficult, so I now know I can do hard things. 

I've worked most of my life, roughly from the age of three. I've endured a lot of things most people haven't even thought of. I've worked some easy jobs and some hard jobs. At this point in my life, with about 37 years of work under my belt, I'm tired. It's the kind of tired that seeps into your bones. I don't know what to say about this other than I was a good worker (for the most part), was honest, and did the best I could. When my best wasn't good enough, it was a gift to learn I could fail and still be alright. Even when your goal is to simply endure something, God supplies. 

Psalm 107 explains the place I spent many years of my life. I was disobedient to God, and God allowed the devil to punish me. Christians don't often see that the devil works for God, but he does. Not even the devil sees it, of course. He's like a tool in God's hands. When we get a screw loose, God lets the devil work on us until we repent and return to him. You see it countless times in the Bible. In this way, pain is a gift. It causes you to right what's wrong, to turn again to the One who loves you. So, I am thankful for the pain I endured because it brought me back to my senses. There's nothing I can give myself credit for here, though, except I was smart enough to give up and admit I had been stupid. 

I've learned so many things in my 40 years. Mistakes I've made in the past are something to laugh at today, but that's a part of learning. I've seen tremendous growth. But, I'm happiest of the growth I've seen in those around me, even my ex-wife's. I've seen God move in tremendous ways; that is what I am most proud of. And it's not something I can take credit for. 

There were thousands of times in my life when I came up against something that was bigger than me, scary things, things I didn't think I could handle, things I KNEW I couldn't handle, and downright dangerous things. Having gone through some of the most humiliating, embarrassing, destructive, and brutal things that could have happened, I now have a better picture of what a human being can endure. I've seen discouragement. I've seen depression. I've seen the loss of things near and dear. I've endured so much. It's good to know bad things can happen and life still goes on. I can walk away from a plane wreck with the knowledge that it could have been worse. For some, life doesn't go on. 

In all of these things, I can see God's hand. And, in those rare cases when I had my eyes closed for fear, I could feel His hand. In the end, I can't take credit for anything in my life. It wasn't my idea to be spat out on this planet at this peculiar time and place. There is no excitement in my life anymore, just a little spark of curiosity of what God has yet in store. I'm sure it's better than anything I could have ever dreamed.