my careless contagion

Though I realize this blog is long in the tooth and probably isn't read much anymore, I still use it as a space to discuss and heal. It is a very personal journey. If I invited you into this space, I hope you realize I did not do so lightly. You may not understand everything I write, but I hope it gives you an accurate picture of my struggles and triumphs.  I used to think we all had weird families. That was my honest belief. The more I looked around, the more I realized, no, we do not all have an odd upbringing. We certainly did not all have abusive childhoods. Then I started to get upset. I started to really dislike those "normal" families and their picture-perfect lives. I used to keep photos of some on my walls. Now that's weird . But, it's true. There was a congressman from a town I lived in years ago. I kept photos of his family on my walls. His wife wasn't very nice to me when I interacted with her at my job. Their children are doubtless grown and beaut...

The story of Jesus and the rich man is a goldmine of truth, of which I can only scratch the surface. The Bible is a multilayered book that can be studied a lifetime and still so much is left un-gleaned. And, yes, I’m going to be doing a little bit of preaching (but when am I not?) on this post.  The story of Jesus and the rich man is related three times in the New Testament (Matthew 19:16–30, Mark 10:17–31, and Luke 18:18–30 (Where were you, John?)), and three is a very important number of completeness. If you find the number three coming into play, pay attention. A good example of the use of three is how Jesus was dead for three days and after that was resurrected. In Jewish tradition at the time, if someone rose from the dead after only one or two days, they were not really dead. So because Jesus was dead for three days and came back to life, he was truly dead and defeated death for all of us by rising from the dead. As a side note, when Lazarus was raised from the dead, he ...

Taylor Swift is a masterful creator of what seems like an endless stream of songs about love, loss, and, quite possibly, her love for Ed Sheeran. In her song The Story of Us , she says, "I don't know what to say since the twist of fate when it all broke down and the story of us looks a lot like a tragedy now." If there's something sadder than a tragedy, then I'd agree the lyrics fit you and me. Your daughter has asked about that boy who wanted to marry you, said you always told her about him. But you don't remember saying that at all. You thought you buried me, left me behind, but I'm right there in front of you, a question mark in your daughter's mind. Some people can't be buried. I should know. I forgot so many faces, so many names, so many places, so many times. But I could never forget you. When the clouds were making rain in my basement apartment in McCook, you were making out with another boy. When he wanted more, you said yes. You ...

Where do I start? I feel like I've always been a failure. When did I start believing that? As the youngest child, you do everything later and slower than everyone else. Then you have two parents (ideally) to compare yourself to. You never win the comparisons so you stop trying. I did well in school for the most part. I did okay in athletics. I wasn't ever popular, nor did I desire to be. Those kids were assholes. The older I got, the more the world I knew lurched away from me. I was lost.  I've never been good at any job I've ever done. I just kind of wing it. People have a propensity to hate me because I'm so bad at what I do and I really should feel bad about it, but I don't. I struggle and no one helps me and that's okay. My life is struggle and failure and an occasional success that scares the shit out of me. Like, where did that come from? The law of averages gives me an occasional home run.  When you've been a screw-up as long as you ca...

The Little Prince is a children's book written in a different era. Like so many children's books, it has remained popular. There is something about it that makes parents want to pass it along to their children. I came upon the Little Prince as an adult and read it in disbelief. It deals with love and loss like few adult books do.  I painted the Little Prince on his planet for my ex-sister-in-law many years ago. When I gave it to her, she started crying; I guess the Little Prince resonated with her. I'm a terrible painter, by the way, so I'm sure my skill or lack thereof had little to do with her emotional response.  Everyone has their favorite quote from the book. For my ex-sister-in-law, it was, "You become responsible, forever, for what you have tamed." That has stuck with me for many years.  For brief moments, I feel I tamed my ex-wife. She was a different person when I met her. She became something else over the years. She was wild, staying...

Let's try something different.  I've examined many of my faults and failures. I've tried to right things that are wrong. I've flagellated and abused myself; I've cried and fumed and thrown my hands up. Sometimes you have to admit to yourself things could have gone a whole lot of other undesirable directions. What happened in your life happened for a reason, whether you can figure it out or not. So, accept it and move on.  I issued a challenge to myself to find some good things I could take credit for. I may end up saying that I can't take credit for anything, as my life has been touched by God. If anyone gets the credit, it is Him. That is true, of course. God gets all the credit. But, let's look at some of the things He used me to accomplish.   When I thought I'd never get to have a child, it happened. It was too late in life; it was extremely stressful for wife and child and me, but it happened. God blessed me with a son. I would hav...