Acceptance

With any great hurt or disappointment, there are a number of stages one walks through in the aftermath. There is usually some anger, wildly fluctuating feelings of betrayal, etc. The range of emotions can take your breath away. Somewhere in there, you will probably do a "what happened" sort of retrospective. I've been writing these pages in the effort to gain perspective on what the hell went wrong in my life. For all practical purposes, I'm nearing the end of this process, and, I believe for me, the next stage is acceptance. 

I have to accept things about my life I'd rather not. But, there is no way to move on until I do. I've accepted the fact that I couldn't save my marriage. There were things in both of us that conspired to destroy it, things I didn't even see until years after the damage was done and all the goodness leaked out. Likewise, I couldn't save any other relationship I've been in, however strong it may have seemed in the beginning. I've had to say goodbye to a whole lot of beautiful people, but none as beautiful as the last. That last one was the hardest to accept, but I'm there now. Reluctantly. 

I accepted a few years ago that things weren't going to work out here for my little family. The economics of the place or our inabilities were to blame, I don't even know anymore. All I know is it was fairly easy to accept that because it felt like a mistake coming here anyway. Within two weeks of living here, I was ready to cut and run. I felt free for the first time in I don't know how long. The only thing that kept me here was having a baby on the way. If it was just my ex-wife and me, I would have taken the opportunity to cut the cord. I hunkered down and persevered like a thousand times before. 

I accept my son for who he is, not for who I think he should be. He's not me, and not even like me. God has given him to me to guide and raise up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. There is no higher priority for me. Ultimately, how he conducts himself in life will be solely up to him, and no amount of parenting on my part will move him in any direction. Before he was even born, my prayer was he would have a relationship with his Heavenly Father that would carry him through life because I know I'm not always going to be there. The most valuable thing a person can have is a relationship with God, and that's my prayer for my son. 

If acceptance is key, then I feel I've made significant progress in the past few years. As of this moment today, I accept the things that have happened in my life. Today was the first day in months that I felt I could see some light at the end of the tunnel. And then a huge blow came down on us at work. Without that feeling that things were going to be okay, maybe that huge blow would have turned into a gushing wound. It's hard to accept these things, but we have to. We have to. Because tomorrow is coming whether we're ready or not. Accepting the failures of today leads to embracing the successes of tomorrow.