my careless contagion

With any great hurt or disappointment, there are a number of stages one walks through in the aftermath. There is usually some anger, wildly fluctuating feelings of betrayal, etc. The range of emotions can take your breath away. Somewhere in there, you will probably do a "what happened" sort of retrospective. I've been writing these pages in the effort to gain perspective on what the hell went wrong in my life. For all practical purposes, I'm nearing the end of this process, and, I believe for me, the next stage is acceptance.  I have to accept things about my life I'd rather not. But, there is no way to move on until I do. I've accepted the fact that I couldn't save my marriage. There were things in both of us that conspired to destroy it, things I didn't even see until years after the damage was done and all the goodness leaked out. Likewise, I couldn't save any other relationship I've been in, however strong it may have seemed in the ...

*I first heard this song when I was home one weekend from my freshman year of college (according to online archives, it would have been between September and late December of 1996). I tuned in late to 120 minutes on MTV to find this ... spectacle. I had never seen anyone who looked like Mike Ness playing music. Never heard anything like his voice. I thought, "Who is this old guy playing punk rock?" Anyway, he had my attention. I never imagined in my parents' living room that weekend that I would someday be at Social Distortion's concerts someday. And I would still be asking myself, "Who is this old guy playing punk rock?" The sentiment echoes in my life today. I've made so many damn mistakes. I've run people out of my life. I've hurt those close to me. For all of those who I have hurt, I'm truly sorry. I was wrong.* When I was young, I was so full of fear I hid behind anger, held back the tears It was me against the world, I w...

Is there something to be said something to be done to take this pain away? The world is cracked and I am too The world is dying I know the feeling What makes this life worth living? I haven't a clue the answer isn't in me nor is it in you Love is a lie here today, gone tomorrow life is a beast devouring souls What is the point, dear God? what is this senseless drama about? what is the rhyme the reason, the season It's all broken broken on top of broken lying next to broken utterly, stupidly broken Scars don't make you stronger pain doesn't make you wiser all of this endeavors to make one ugly I don't have anything left I stare blankly at the sky without even the courage or will to die.

There are parts of me that are dying some are dead already that's okay; let them decay I must not need them anyway there's so much death here I have to hold my breath or risk choking on the fetid smell This grand new life this bold adventure requires much daily sacrifice I sacrifice my old self every day I've crawled out of so much rottenness so much disease destruction, chaos But I'm alive and, surprisingly, no -- shockingly -- happy I couldn't outrun the pain the rain or this stubborn stain I call my life I exist I am thankful and I can't wait for another day.