my careless contagion

It was time once again for a trip to Nebraska, this time to check out a little town and see if it would be a nice place to live. I made this trip with my ex and my son (who felt awful, the cause of which we never ascertained, half of the trip). It was an interesting trip. Good things and bad things happened. Shall we? We stayed in Kearney, "the Sandhill Crane capital of the world," at what I'm told is the finest place in town, EconoLodge. My son simply referred to it as "the Lodge." He was excited, even taking photos of all the rooms (all two). He especially liked the bathtub, since he doesn't have one at home. He also liked the blueberry muffins for breakfast. But we did more than lounge around the hotel room and take naps. We also visited places in town, namely the many parks. My son didn't feel well for most of our trip, but we managed to see some sights. We left in a driving rain, but the sun soon came out and left a rainbow before us.  But all was n...

With any great hurt or disappointment, there are a number of stages one walks through in the aftermath. There is usually some anger, wildly fluctuating feelings of betrayal, etc. The range of emotions can take your breath away. Somewhere in there, you will probably do a "what happened" sort of retrospective. I've been writing these pages in the effort to gain perspective on what the hell went wrong in my life. For all practical purposes, I'm nearing the end of this process, and, I believe for me, the next stage is acceptance.  I have to accept things about my life I'd rather not. But, there is no way to move on until I do. I've accepted the fact that I couldn't save my marriage. There were things in both of us that conspired to destroy it, things I didn't even see until years after the damage was done and all the goodness leaked out. Likewise, I couldn't save any other relationship I've been in, however strong it may have seemed in the ...

I don't know that I've ever been so disappointed with myself as I am right now. I can no longer hide from my actions, what I've done to someone so precious to me. The changes I've brought to her life have been many, and hurtful. When before there was a perfect family union – one girl and one boy, two parents who loved them – now there is a rift and brokenness and an unholy hole in everyone's hearts. This is my legacy. This is my torment. Love doesn't always look like what we think it should. Sometimes love is keeping your distance and minding your own business. I love the animals I see when I take my walks in the forest, but I do not try to touch them or take them home. I should have treated the woman I love the same way: look but don't touch. My eyes are red in the mirror as I start my day. My day ends the same way. I've been crying, but not for my own sake. I can see her, walking through the wasteland of her world, jus...

I broke something I can't fix It's gone beyond my little world like cracks on a windscreen they've spread to you and those you love the most It's permanent like a stain it eats at me like acid rain My face in the mirror can no longer hide it I look away My hands are busy but my heart is hurting I can't help what I've done Not now anyway If I had a way to repair all of this I would rise up this moment feel for those cracks spread out to you and mend them There's an unspeakable pain I've sent into your world an unspeakable sin I've spawned because I wanted too much If I could go back to the moment I made that decision to let you into my dying world I would have kept that door closed Whatever befalls me will befall me this I'm certain but I've touched your life with my careless contagion like some sort of dead man walking I've contaminated hearts and minds foreve...

*"Can't Hardly Wait" by The Replacements. I love this song. It's grammatically incorrect, but that doesn't seem to bother me. It was included on the soundtrack of the 1998 movie of the same name starring Jennifer Love Hewitt. If you've watched a fair number of movies set in high school, you're aware of certain tropes that exist. There's one that I call "That Girl." You know the girl, the one the (usually) shy guy wants to be with. She's amazing; she's out of his league. She's that girl, the one he's pined for forever. She's the one who can elevate his life in ways he can't even imagine. It could change the whole course of his life if he could just get that girl. Somehow, mustering up the courage or doing whatever is necessary to get that girl would change him from being a loser who nobody knows into somebody. My "That Girl" got away, and I let her get away. The year was 1996. It was one of the most...

Is there something to be said something to be done to take this pain away? The world is cracked and I am too The world is dying I know the feeling What makes this life worth living? I haven't a clue the answer isn't in me nor is it in you Love is a lie here today, gone tomorrow life is a beast devouring souls What is the point, dear God? what is this senseless drama about? what is the rhyme the reason, the season It's all broken broken on top of broken lying next to broken utterly, stupidly broken Scars don't make you stronger pain doesn't make you wiser all of this endeavors to make one ugly I don't have anything left I stare blankly at the sky without even the courage or will to die.

There are parts of me that are dying some are dead already that's okay; let them decay I must not need them anyway there's so much death here I have to hold my breath or risk choking on the fetid smell This grand new life this bold adventure requires much daily sacrifice I sacrifice my old self every day I've crawled out of so much rottenness so much disease destruction, chaos But I'm alive and, surprisingly, no -- shockingly -- happy I couldn't outrun the pain the rain or this stubborn stain I call my life I exist I am thankful and I can't wait for another day.

I sit I stir I sit again I stir again I wait I sigh there are so many images flashing in my mind's eye The windows reveal nothing my prayers never cease you've bound me to you I have nowhere to go What I've learned, dear is my end is near I've grown old unexpectantly Waiting for you to reappear is a game I'd rather not play Holding my breath I claw at my chest unable to move watch me dissipate sublimate rust away decay.

All those miles of text between us all those songs I played that spoke for me All that time -- 21 years! and you finally put it together you finally figured it out what my love looks like I poured my heart out for you my lifeblood too my time, my talents my everything Only to be spurned only to be burned beaten, left behind well, not this time Our time has run out our morning has turned to night and our night to this What is it driving me this way? what was it that got in our way? I don't know but it isn't my love, dear.

Every morning is the routine every day the same old thing What has changed? you and me We're no longer "we" It's little things put away forever furniture moved around boxes on the ground books that once belonged to us linens, sheets, towels, music pictures, letters, notes They await the day of rending the day of breaking sorting, dividing the day of letting go Mornings at the window coffee in hand sliding into evening's sheets together reading before I turn off the light The big things, the small things all share the same fate they won't travel with us together this is a study in letting go You won't cry over things or fight you won't throw a tantrum you'll simply let go What was once us has been reduced to dust I sit in sackcloth and ashes my cheeks stained, my eyes red This rending is more than just things more than just memories more than just a change of address This is us letting go l...

All their faces become one all their lies and all their eyes bore into me I am frozen stalled rejected once again standing still and wondering Who keeps hitting "repeat" on this track who keeps stut-stut stuttering their lines over and over again I have one last shot one last chance to love but I am shuttered out of town out to lunch I want that one woman I can mesh with talk with, feel with shake off the dust of this town with and in the end, smile with But they all have agendas I hide my heart cover my mouth censor my thoughts and sleep with one eye open What I see is that girl waiting for me but the question is does she see me? Will she line up like the rest raise her weapon aim at my chest? Sadly, I believe I know the answer.

There's something about this something about me something about you that threatens to break me in two There's something on the wind getting closer filling me with excitement filling me with dread Is it you, my perfect coming to me at last is it your heart I hear crying out like mine This is an epic thing I am not a man of renown I am not a beast I am just flesh  I've run out of words run out of hope and other things  that look like it Here I sit alone again unable to move unable to breathe If God sees me if God hears me if anyone sees me if anyone hears me Please understand I am just a man broken now now less than a man There is nowhere to go nothing to do but sit and wait stirring inside My face shows my age my hands show my rage my heart shows my pain and humiliation But my feet cannot walk away. 

Pictures, postcards notes, birthday cards letters soaked in yearning thousands of miles of text back and forth forever we've talked through distance, through tears You were my everything and I tried to be yours you were the rain that watered my fields of hope and acres of thorns I longed for you so many nights I begged you to remain only mine but you were always swept up in someone else's storm You had no mercy on my heart and now I hear your voice crying, pleading have mercy -- one last time Oh, how you've torn me and you intend to tear me one last time you intend to break me forever like you used to do all the time I'm so broken I can't even respond I'm making excuses but we both know how this ends I don't know why it hurts so much leaving like this I can't bear doing you how you've done me If I die tonight It's all the same if I run through hell no one will catch me I'm ...

Driving nowhere — this could be the metaphor for you and me — rudderless, lost, parting ways You aren't talking but I can tell your face is staring out your window that tells me everything You're crying again and I'm driving we'll do this as we've always done and then never again We may as well be listening to Samiam's Clumsy, hungover, tired and waiting for our time to begin We waited so long we fought for this and this, well, this is not what we wanted We're strung out on insomnia regret depression and a very bitter winter These hills baited us these skies welcomed us these dark nights lit up with stars they cradled us The radio always plays the saddest songs and love songs that don't mean a thing right now Every song sounds like a dirge every note like pinpricks of melancholy Yet, we drive we sit silently we rehearse our lines ...

She's late but I know she's coming I cower, my breathing labored She has tears in her eyes but I know she intends to do what she intends to do This is it the moment I've been dreading she cries but there's murder in her eyes I love her but she will slay me I will cease to exist when she betrays me It is acceptable this sacrifice of love for the greater good for the love of many I will perish but she will walk away hurting, broken, bleeding forever scarred With my blood dripping from her hands and streaming across the floor she leaves me for the last time I am silent now in no pain my eyes focused on nothing my heart still My lover, my friend, my perfect to you there's nothing left to be said because I now know this is the end.

Eat, sleep, breathe and keep doing the same Eat, sleep, breathe until you remember your name and all the things that used to matter There's something familiar in this pain it's my heart giving up rolling over and dying every day is the same tragedy What makes it beat what makes it care what makes it continue without a reason? It's the whisper of something on the wind in the trees beyond my reach It's hope that this won't last forever it's believing  that I'm nearly there Dear God, remember my frame I am but dust here for a moment and never again I keep hoping I keep waiting I keep repeating what I have to repeat Up comes the sun and on goes my facade another day another lesson in heartbreak.

She always came to me as a whisper in the night in the rain in my moments of deepest pain She was my forever my stranger my saint my permanent stain Whatever happened to us – shattered and twisted us – through the broken years, the hungry march of time? You were ungraspable almost unreal you created us strangled us put us to sleep When you left me I died my greatest death you came back to me expecting open arms You showed me what it was like to love and die at the same time you made it clear my destiny was to always be broken, broken, broken My dear muse your soft voice has faded you left me for the last time I see your dark love for me as a lesson learned too late My lover, my friend you broke me and leaving you has broken me again My muse, my dear muse This unconscionable decision has killed your killing time your feast of hate on my heart Your hungry eyes that only wanted more grow d...

I held you today and it felt like a thousand times before you -- falling to pieces and me -- unable to catch them We are broken never to be put back together we are liars if we believe anything else I was never any good for you but I always tried I loved you with all my might you were the storm I was always chasing What I feel and what I felt are not the same anymore there is a strangeness in hugging you -- almost a panic like when you've lost your house key I can't ever go back home what's left of it will never feel the same There's always been that sadness behind my eyes you didn't put it there but you fed it diligently You and I were a beautiful disaster held together by duct tape and memories, always trying and always failing to remember why we made sense I didn't destroy us I just let us go and all those falling pieces found their home scattered around us I knew a little girl lost but she was...

There's something between us and it's my heart still beating lying on the floor It's out there, unattached it's untethered, untouched waiting still beating What I always wanted was the look in your eyes that love beaming out of them That's the look that's the feeling that's what I've been missing That's what my heart was waiting for There's this little voice telling me, "put it back, put back your heart" But it waits for you still beating still clinging to hope on the floor between us Where can I go? Nowhere What can I say? I've said it all I wait for you and my heart waits for you in this dark place growing dimmer When they put me together they forgot some things like all the parts that tell me I should walk away But I'm here today here tomorrow and my heartbeats I will follow.

This is all things bleeding this is all the end what can I say today to speak comfort into you? This is things broken and this is things spoken down to the wire and feelings on fire What I imagined for you is so much better than this what I always wanted was perfect and painless In the night and in the day I know you cry out I know you feel for something beyond this hollow place The pain won't last forever the night gives way to dawn the scars will remain but it won't feel the same You are held in His hand held close while you cry In the shadow of His wings in the blink of an eye One day this will be a memory and not a moment of death in this world of pain I will hold you close, forever to my chest We will breathe the same air I will get tangled in your hair share everything we can share and feel broken no more One day we'll get there you and me holding hands walking forward into a brand new day One day I...