my careless contagion

Nine years ago this month I gave up alcohol, which I believed God told me to do. That obedience spawned many blessings — blessings which I am still counting today as they multiply. In case you're wondering why I chose the above photo for this post, it's because I liked it. Yes, I know it has nothing to do with my testimony, but it gives me warm fuzzies and so does this post.  Yes, this blog is mostly dormant now. I wrote a lot here over the course of more than five years. (Nearly 600 posts!) But, I can't miss this opportunity to thank and praise God for the freedom from alcoholism, which is something that plagued my family line and snared me for the better part of 16 years. I know the reasons I started drinking and how my mental, physical, and spiritual health suffered as a result of using alcohol to deal with situations. It's amazing the toll it took on me, though. Alcohol clearly made my life worse. It numbed me for a short time, but it made my life worse.  Do I still...

Eight years ago I embarked on a new adventure. It was time to move. I was living in Ohio but learned my ex was pregnant (April 1, actually) while we were visiting my parents in Florida. I wanted to be the best dad I could be. For some reason, God took this heart desire and led me out of Ohio, leaving sinful practices behind.  One of those sins was alcoholism. It was in April eight years ago I quit drinking. I memorialize this fact every year because it was a miracle. Everything God does for us is a miracle, but this was quite a big one. I was mired in self-defeat and suicidal thoughts. I was literally trying to kill myself with drink, though I didn't even understand the reasons why. When I stopped drinking, it opened the door to further obedience, which opened more doors and brought about more miracles. In the years that followed, I became free in many more ways.  It shows you God takes what little we do, what little we give Him, and multiplies it. Give Him a little obedience ...

Before this month ends, I should say something short and sweet about being seven years sober. It may not mean anything to anyone else, but I don't want to take for granted what God did and how He set me free from that bondage. Thank you, Heavenly Father, for setting me free.  It was seven years ago in the month of April I gave up alcohol. Looking back on my life, it's easy to see why I drank so hard and for so long (about 16 years hardcore). It was a means to erase my past and forget things I couldn't forget. But freedom or forgiveness didn't come in a bottle. It came only through my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. I wasn't a mean drunk or anything. I just wanted to erase myself, as I saw myself as the problem. True, my problems reside within me, but killing myself wasn't the solution. My life improved dramatically after I stopped drinking, then all the trauma from my childhood and ugly marriage came to the surface at once. I kept everything from the previous 36 ...

  I should have known when I liked Hey Jealousy by the Gin Blossoms in high school it had a wickedly sad backstory. You can read some of that here , if you'd like (it involves alcoholism, just as the term gin blossoms also refers to alcoholism, oh, and suicide). Instead of delving into that, like I did a few years ago, let's just post the lyrics and say something like, "This is how I feel about a particular girl and the intervening years wasted without her." There, long post is now short. And then here are the lyrics. (Yeah, this is another unscheduled post. Can't plan everything, right?) Permit me a moment of nostalgia. I don't do this often (ha). But wasn't the music in the 90s a lot richer and varied? Maybe I just had a lot more time on my hands. The music industry, though never perfect, seemed a lot healthier then. But that was before Napster and all of that. Still, the 2000s (or, if you prefer, aughts) was like a polar opposite with the packaged bubbl...

The month of April means quite a few things to me.  On April 1, my ex and I found out she was pregnant. We didn't tell anyone that day six years ago because they would have thought it was an April Fools' joke. It was the beginning of big changes. It was also the month I decided (with God's blessing, though not His directive; I never felt He was telling me) I should upend our lives and start over in South Dakota after putting down roots in Ohio for the better part of two decades. My ex lived there for three decades. It was a big move for us, especially because she was pregnant. All that stress, did it impact my son in the womb? I don't know.  In April six years ago I stopped drinking. I don't know the exact date. I was an avid homebrewer. Though I was no stranger to liquor, my preference was always beer. Liquor tasted like burning. Beer tasted malty, roasty, hoppy, and next to perfect. Still, I felt I had to quit. Starting over in life isn't easy, and ...

There are some songs I avoid. When I hear one on the radio it's no big deal, as I just flip to the next station. When I'm in a store and hear it come on, then I have to grit my teeth and wait it out. Some associations are hardwired into me. I have a relationship with music that is hard to explain. For Chris Isaak's Forever Blue, it's even more complicated. This album defines how I felt when I was cheated on the first time by my ex. In fact, after everything went down, I wrapped myself up in this music, and for all intents and purposes, died. As the years went on and her behavior remained the same, I found myself changing in ways I never imagined. I was murdering myself just to stay with her.  Baby did a bad bad thing by Chris Isaak will forever remind me of my then girlfriend and now ex-wife's dirty deeds. Chris Isaak was my friend after Kate cheated on me and kicked me out of the bed and onto the floor in the next room. I sat in my green thrift store chair a...

The author with a full-blown case of the Blatz circa 1978. You can tell when you're talking to a real alcoholic because they'll identify themselves as one, even after going years without drinking. The mechanisms that make them an alcoholic were there before they started drinking, as well. I consider myself an alcoholic who doesn't drink. My father was an alcoholic. Well, he still is. But he stopped drinking many moons ago. It's been said that people use alcohol as an excuse to do and say what they want to do and say; it's okay because they were drunk or buzzed and didn't mean it. It's like kids saying mean things on the playground and then, "Just kidding," making it even worse because why are you crying when I was just kidding? It's a one-two punch. Well, my dad was a womanizer, too. Swore like I've heard no one else swear. In fact, I've never seen anyone get as angry as my father. I thought he was going to kill one of my ...

My white bears (hastily scrawled): 1) End up alone 2) Angry 3) Defeated 4) Paralyzed 5) Drinking 6) Twisted up (whatever that means) 7) Suicide I read an article a few months ago about facing your white bears, which are unwanted thoughts (a bit more:  http://www.apa.org/monitor/ 2011/10/unwanted-thoughts.aspx ), often worst-case scenarios. The idea of writing them down is thought to be helpful because once you put these things in front of you, you can take them apart. By taking them apart, you realize these are things you've either previously dealt with or are figureoutable. Once you say them or write them down, you realize these are common problems and you already have the tools to deal with them. In essence, they become smaller on paper than in your mind.  When I got divorced, I was faced with a variety of fears and uncertainties. I wrote down the seven scariest. I've already experienced the top four. Number six, I suppose, means that my inside...