my careless contagion

The future starts in our minds.  We have the most wonderful faculty between our ears — our imagination — that allows us to create, solve problems, and sometimes literally see into the future.  The future of me is a bleak prospect. I have endured tremendous setbacks and unimaginable pain in the last few years (with no one to blame but myself). As I lick my wounds, it's almost too easy to try to imagine my way out of this small place in which I've found myself. This is the key to my survival. I have to imagine a better future for myself and then believe in it.  There was a time in my nascent youth when I loved to draw. My artistic abilities were slightly above average, but I didn't pursue drawing because I saw a future in it. I just loved it. And all drawings start with a sketch, a few tentative lines at first and then bolder as the image takes shape. Before anything is put down on paper, however, it starts in the artist's imagination. The future of me is a bla...

My white bears (hastily scrawled): 1) End up alone 2) Angry 3) Defeated 4) Paralyzed 5) Drinking 6) Twisted up (whatever that means) 7) Suicide I read an article a few months ago about facing your white bears, which are unwanted thoughts (a bit more:  http://www.apa.org/monitor/ 2011/10/unwanted-thoughts.aspx ), often worst-case scenarios. The idea of writing them down is thought to be helpful because once you put these things in front of you, you can take them apart. By taking them apart, you realize these are things you've either previously dealt with or are figureoutable. Once you say them or write them down, you realize these are common problems and you already have the tools to deal with them. In essence, they become smaller on paper than in your mind.  When I got divorced, I was faced with a variety of fears and uncertainties. I wrote down the seven scariest. I've already experienced the top four. Number six, I suppose, means that my inside...

That Saturday morning when the hammer came down I begged her not to do it I said she shouldn't see me if she had those things to say I held her hand and prayed but I could feel she was a thousand miles away When she told me  what was in her heart I could not blame her neither could I look her in the eyes The tears fell on my hands my useless, stupid hands I knew it was coming but I was paralyzed I watched her as she dressed and she became even prettier right before my eyes I can see her there in the bathroom mirror in that beautiful dress We decided we couldn't see each other anymore as we parted the hot, humid air as we sat near each other but so far apart She had to go though it seemed early I knew she was already so far away As I held her one last time her body convulsed as it was her turn to cry and then her turn to leave I can't forget her beautiful smile her perfect face ...