my careless contagion

I started this blog two-plus years ago to deal with the emotional fallout of my divorce. I named it My Careless Contagion because I felt I infected those around me with sadness. But I want to talk about a contagion of a different sort in this post. For months, I have stayed silent while the specter of coronavirus has cast a long shadow over our planet. What follows are my opinions only, though I have followed this disease closely since the beginning.   Pandemics have routinely ravaged the planet, killing millions and rearranging civilization in their wake. At this moment, people are referencing the Spanish Flu which killed an estimated 50-100 million people 100 years ago. The fact that we don't know how many actually died is not inconsistent with pandemics, as bodies are normally disposed of in haste and if whole villages die, who is left to count the dead? Satellite images of mass graves laced with lime in Iran have hammered this point home. Are they counting the dead or ju...

Why am I afraid of you?  I've tried to get over you, tried to move on. But there's too much of you in me. There's more you in me than me. I can't move on because you're a part of me. I don't understand it, but it's true.  The capacity to understand what's happening in me isn't there. I have a rudimentary soul, and what's happened in me is extraordinary. It's you, little girl. You happened to me. You found the right place to sit in my heart, and you've made yourself at home. That hole in my heart feels like it was made for you, like it's a perfect fit.  Yes, I'm afraid of you. I'm afraid of how I feel about you. My fingers tremble when I text you. My heart lurches toward you, straining against my ribs. I have to take deep breaths to calm myself. I have to close my eyes hard and tell myself she won't say those words that I dread.  Yes, she could destroy me. And she has, twice now. Who gets to break my heart...