my careless contagion

Why am I afraid of you?  I've tried to get over you, tried to move on. But there's too much of you in me. There's more you in me than me. I can't move on because you're a part of me. I don't understand it, but it's true.  The capacity to understand what's happening in me isn't there. I have a rudimentary soul, and what's happened in me is extraordinary. It's you, little girl. You happened to me. You found the right place to sit in my heart, and you've made yourself at home. That hole in my heart feels like it was made for you, like it's a perfect fit.  Yes, I'm afraid of you. I'm afraid of how I feel about you. My fingers tremble when I text you. My heart lurches toward you, straining against my ribs. I have to take deep breaths to calm myself. I have to close my eyes hard and tell myself she won't say those words that I dread.  Yes, she could destroy me. And she has, twice now. Who gets to break my heart...

    It's an odd sensation to walk through your days in a daydream state. I know my mind is just protecting itself from further trauma. If only my heart could do the same. I see that girl as a dream because she's long gone. The time I spent with her doesn't seem real anymore. My world is a drudgery that marches to the sound of a dirge. I can hear Ed Sheeran's "Perfect" slow to the pace of a waltz, then distort, then turn to static, and now I just hear the rain. It's somebody's wedding right now, and that song is playing. My heart goes out to them. What happens when all you have is love for the memory of someone but the memory keeps fading? Well, you panic. Then you have to accept it because none of us can bring anyone back once they start to fade. Somone's in the darkroom of my mind, and they didn't mix the developer right; everything's coming out light and faded. I keep telling them to get it right, but they keep...