my careless contagion

"I see my future in your eyes." Those were the words I wanted to say to you all those years ago in my parents' basement. Oh, my dear, if only I had. How would our lives be different today?  It's one thing to love a woman. It is an incontestable fact I love you. It's another thing to miss a woman. That is another incontestable fact of how I feel, I'm afraid. But sadly, I believe I have missed you most of my life. Not only that, but I missed out on you.  If someone asked me what I love about you, I could answer at length. But the question I cannot answer is WHY I love you. Why do I miss you? Why do I love you? The answer is buried in my DNA, perhaps. It rides on my synapses and gathers in the corners of my mind, building upon itself until it overwhelms me. You make sense to me. I want you near me always, as I thought you would be.  It was a cruel day I realized you would never be mine. To experience that day twice in a lifetime was heretofore unthinkab...

I've said so much. Too much, really. You know things about me no one else knows. I wonder if I know you even half as well as you know me. As the evening wanes into night, I miss you even more than usual. I wish I had your strength to sit in silence. I cannot but tell the trees and the wind of how much I love you and miss you, how much I wish you were near. I love hard. I don't know any other way. I guess it turns women off, as I've had nothing but failure in love. I wanted too much, said too much, felt too much. And then I hurt too much. Now I sit still and wonder at what tore through me. Missing you used to make me ache. Sometimes it still does. There are the sharp pains and the dull aches that tell me you're nowhere to be found. There are moments I have to hold myself still and hold a hand over my mouth, as it feels I'm falling to pieces and nothing can hold me together any longer. Then the convulsions come, and my whole body shudders in pain. If you wer...