Reboot



I'm so tired of being tired. I just want it all to end. If there's no Great Beginning and no Great Perhaps, then that's alright. I just need to lay down and not get up again. This is me walking away. 

Nothing makes sense anymore; I've only tried to do what's best, what's right. I never said I was perfect. I'm sorry for my mistakes and missteps; if I could walk them back I would. I've led a pretty decent life, and it's okay to let it go. So, this is me letting go.

When we broke, I broke too, and that's not like me. I don't break like this, not over a girl. But you're not just an ordinary girl. You're the girl I want. If I had done one good thing for you, maybe it would be okay. I couldn't help but ruin a beautiful thing. I couldn't help but ruin you. This is me saying I'm sorry.

I'd take the pain from your eyes if I could. I'd take the pieces of your heart and mend them, even if it took me a thousand years, even if I had only one hand, even if I never hold your body close to mine. But I feel your grief. I feel your heart. And I've done enough damage to your perfect heart, enough damage to last a lifetime. So this is me protecting your heart.

I can't forgive myself for what I've done. I've tried, but it's stuck in me; it moves with me like a disease, follows me like a shadow. I accept my faults. I do not accept what I've done to those around me. This is me taking responsibility.

It's time to accept what I've wrought. Time to lay down in the rain and let the sin of what I've done wash over me. And it's time to let go of that sin. Let it roll out of my death-grip hands. If I held onto good things as long as I've held onto this, who knows what kind of man I'd be. This is me coming clean.

I'm tired of saying I'm sorry. I'm tired of being so wrong. Tired of wanting. Tired of the tears. Tired of the little voice on the phone saying goodnight and see you tomorrow. I'm tired of always being somewhere but where I want to be. This is me ending all of this. 

Call it what you want. There will be no withdrawal. Just the sound of silence and wind rushing before I hit the ground. This is me quitting.

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