What forever felt like

Maybe she will, maybe she won't. Maybe this is it. Maybe it's already gone. What I wanted and what I needed were two different things. Who's to tell me that tomorrow will be any different? 

When she looks in on me, I'm sure what she sees alarms her, pricks her heart, dismays her, and shakes her. There's a whole lot of bleeding going on in here, girl. You may need your goggles on. You may need to hold your breath and pinch your nose. There are wounds here being sutured tight, but in the dimness of the light, you can see my face gone blank, gone white, just ... gone. 

Do you know how long I've been like this? When you knew me as a boy, I was already so damaged, defeated, destitute. I wonder if your heart saw my pain, took pity, and decided to love me. I wonder if you ever knew how much I would love you. 

No one was ever meant to see and hear these words. But, I've let you see them all. I've invited you right in. Does it make you feel lucky? Does it make you feel sick? A little of both, none of the above? 

Well, I feel lucky, just knowing you for a moment, just tasting of what forever could be with you by my side. I felt complete for the first time. It felt right for the first time. 

My precious girl, look away. There are things here that make me sick. There are things that I cannot explain. There are nights and days and years and moments and a lifetime of things that crowd in on each other; it's a necessary process I've learned to repeat. It's a sickness of sorts, but the sickness is on the outside. I've gouged the cancers out of my flesh so I could go on living, so I could continue to imagine you as mine someday, so I can have hope in me instead of six feet of dirt on me. 

I know it's over. You don't have to tell me. You don't have to say it again. I feel it. A man has to have hope, and I'm sorry you've become that to me. It's not fair, I will admit. I know it scares you; it scares me too. I wish you weren't so big in my heart and nothing in my world. I wish I could contain my feelings. I wish they would go away because they have nowhere to go. They look at me in the mirror. They beseech me from my bedside. They wake me in the night and riot in my brain. Like puppy dogs that just want to play, they have such pleading eyes. 

Wherever you are, whatever you're doing, my thoughts are with you. Maybe my words follow you as yours do me. Maybe you see me in your dreams and remember for a moment what forever felt like.