my careless contagion

I don't have it in me to stop wanting her. She may want nothing from me, but all I want is her. I'm all heart, and my heart only wants her. How do I explain this to bystanders? How do I explain this to myself?  She's lovely. She's perfect. She's all I want. If I ever thought I could get over her, that debate is over. There is no getting over a woman like her. There is only surviving life without her and somehow breathing and getting by. There are stolen moments when one does not think of her. The rest of each and every day until the day one dies is one thought after another of only her.    You can call me what you want. I've surpassed my own measure of foolishness, so your opinion is of no worth. I'm content to spend the rest of my days in love with the memory of her if that's all I can have. It would be much better than to try to love (and to fail to love) a lesser creature. The heart wants what it wants. She's gone from my life, but she...

Maybe she will, maybe she won't. Maybe this is it. Maybe it's already gone. What I wanted and what I needed were two different things. Who's to tell me that tomorrow will be any different?  When she looks in on me, I'm sure what she sees alarms her, pricks her heart, dismays her, and shakes her. There's a whole lot of bleeding going on in here, girl. You may need your goggles on. You may need to hold your breath and pinch your nose. There are wounds here being sutured tight, but in the dimness of the light, you can see my face gone blank, gone white, just ... gone.  Do you know how long I've been like this? When you knew me as a boy, I was already so damaged, defeated, destitute. I wonder if your heart saw my pain, took pity, and decided to love me. I wonder if you ever knew how much I would love you.  No one was ever meant to see and hear these words. But, I've let you see them all. I've invited you right in. Does it make you feel luc...