my careless contagion

I remember the exact moment she came back into my life. It was December three years ago. I remember where I sat and the smile that spread across my face. I remember the warmth that suddenly coursed through me even though my body was trembling with cold.  I loved that girl with such beautiful hues — words dipped in aching, gasping, glorious color and spread across the widest canvas. Perhaps I got too involved, but love is an involving emotion. In all of my heart-pounding feelings, did I betray myself and create a love that didn't exist? I lost her an unspeakable number of times. I lost her every moment of every day and every night with every heartbeat after she left. Every day and week and month that went by and she was silent, that loss penetrated deeper in my bones. Still now, she is lost. Love is perfect, though sometimes imperfectly found. And, boy, did I love that girl. If I could do it again, I would, and a thousand times. If I had a thousand lives, I'd li...

This is another one of the posts from this summer I neglected to post until now. Originally, it was two parts, but I failed to finish the second part, so I will delete that. It didn't say anything that hasn't been adequately said already. I know the girl I'm writing about would probably disagree with what I've said here, but we're both adults and I'm allowed to think what I want. She will always be my measuring stick for females. The proverbial dust has settled. I left a relationship and another relationship left me. When you can't have what you want — and that's all you really want — then it's useless to ask what you can have instead. But, let's say I could create my own dream girl. What kind of girl would I create? Well, Gal Gadot as Wonder Woman, of course. Except she could squash me like a bug. Okay, definitely not Wonder Woman then.  The best I can come up with is this: I am looking for a woman with a curio...

Sunday, May 21, 2017, I was driving my pickup back from seeing the woman of my dreams. We had shared a very quick and very perfect 24 hours together. It was just us. Nothing else. And I think it surprised both of us by how good it was. We didn't do anything special. We went out to eat. We went to the high school track and walked around it a few times, talking. We reminisced. We kissed. It felt completely natural and relaxed.  On May 27, 2017, she started pushing back. It was such a short time period between those two events. One must have caused the other. What looked like rejection and betrayal to me was something else, something I don't have room to go into here. Clearly, what happened hurt, but it's all gone now, washed under the bridge. I've decided to rename my feelings and change my perspective, which has been extremely helpful and healing.  So, whatever it was, it doesn't matter now. Life goes on and we have to, too. While my conscience is clear and ...

My life is over. My body is broken. My mind is like Swiss cheese. Somehow, my heart keeps beating. There's nothing else I want to do. My life has been a comical disaster, penetrated at times by both the storms of life and pure magic. I have loved and lost love. I have fought and fucked. But, what happened two years ago when I knew I was undeniably in love with the loveliest woman I've ever known was like a revelation — like being reborn. It was like seeing the world for the first time. The songs of birds in the trees were sweeter. The cold of winter much more bearable. The smell of her flesh was like an intoxicant. Simple things, even, like the way her hair fell over her ears was like I had never seen anything so beautiful before. She had her way with me in a way previously thought impossible. She ran through me with a freedom I had never given anyone before. The whole thing was as powerful as it was brief. It was only a few months, bu...

  I can see it as clear as my reflection in the mirror. It's you and me, sweet girl, making our run for it. From the church, past the people, and into the sunshine. It's you and me, and it's the story I've been aching to write — our story.  We drive into that breezy, balmy morning, away from all of that noise. It's just you and me for a moment, dear, as I park the car and we both stop, our hearts still pounding like the rain on a tin roof. Our eyes meet, and it hits us like the first peals of thunder. This is it, honey, and for the rest of our lives. This is the moment we've been waiting for. I belong to you and you belong to me.  Your face is blushing and my hands are shaking, and I can barely see straight because it's all happening too fast. I just want to slow it down, you know, and make it last. It's slipping away, and I'm grasping at it, and it's almost gone again ... until I realize you're not going anywhere. You've just pro...

There's only one girl in the world I want to hear from. My heart pants for her and waits patiently (and sometimes impatiently) to hear from her. She's my heart's one desire. I've made peace with not having her, but oh, I'd love to hear her voice again. The only problem is I'm sure it would send me into space. It would be too much — like a buffet to a starving man — I'd feast until I'd become sick.  There's something in me that turned off, though, and forever. It was a rabidity I can't explain, like a ceaseless roving. Once my heart settled on her, a calmness replaced it. I answered all the questions that could be answered. I checked every box. I communed with my God until I knew all there was to know, and then I made my decision with a sureness that only comes from examining every aspect of something. Have I thought of everything? I can answer with all honesty and say, "Yes. At least, all that matters."  My fight is over. My mi...

Taylor Swift is a masterful creator of what seems like an endless stream of songs about love, loss, and, quite possibly, her love for Ed Sheeran. In her song The Story of Us , she says, "I don't know what to say since the twist of fate when it all broke down and the story of us looks a lot like a tragedy now." If there's something sadder than a tragedy, then I'd agree the lyrics fit you and me. Your daughter has asked about that boy who wanted to marry you, said you always told her about him. But you don't remember saying that at all. You thought you buried me, left me behind, but I'm right there in front of you, a question mark in your daughter's mind. Some people can't be buried. I should know. I forgot so many faces, so many names, so many places, so many times. But I could never forget you. When the clouds were making rain in my basement apartment in McCook, you were making out with another boy. When he wanted more, you said yes. You ...

Maybe she will, maybe she won't. Maybe this is it. Maybe it's already gone. What I wanted and what I needed were two different things. Who's to tell me that tomorrow will be any different?  When she looks in on me, I'm sure what she sees alarms her, pricks her heart, dismays her, and shakes her. There's a whole lot of bleeding going on in here, girl. You may need your goggles on. You may need to hold your breath and pinch your nose. There are wounds here being sutured tight, but in the dimness of the light, you can see my face gone blank, gone white, just ... gone.  Do you know how long I've been like this? When you knew me as a boy, I was already so damaged, defeated, destitute. I wonder if your heart saw my pain, took pity, and decided to love me. I wonder if you ever knew how much I would love you.  No one was ever meant to see and hear these words. But, I've let you see them all. I've invited you right in. Does it make you feel luc...

If there's one thing I know right now, as I stare out the window, is that she does not belong to me. She never has and never will. She will always be his. What great arrogance it was that brought me to my knees in this empty, sacred place where we realize things that we should have seen long ago. Too little, too late to do a thing about it. I can't put back anything that's out of place anywhere but my own life. But,  I struggle just to get out of bed most days. The years showed me things, some of them unkind. They showed me I had been left behind. They showed me that no matter how hard I tried to keep up, it was impossible. I had been marked as one of the Left Behinds. It's okay. I'm well aware of this fact, and I've accepted it. The world went on, and I grew tired and cold. My life was increasingly meaningless. She reminded me of so many things, so many wonderful things that could have been but were not. And never could be. She reminded me o...

Every morning is the routine every day the same old thing What has changed? you and me We're no longer "we" It's little things put away forever furniture moved around boxes on the ground books that once belonged to us linens, sheets, towels, music pictures, letters, notes They await the day of rending the day of breaking sorting, dividing the day of letting go Mornings at the window coffee in hand sliding into evening's sheets together reading before I turn off the light The big things, the small things all share the same fate they won't travel with us together this is a study in letting go You won't cry over things or fight you won't throw a tantrum you'll simply let go What was once us has been reduced to dust I sit in sackcloth and ashes my cheeks stained, my eyes red This rending is more than just things more than just memories more than just a change of address This is us letting go l...

Maybe you see me as a brute a monster in search of flesh Maybe you fear me my appetites my passion my desire My love, I am just a man in love with just one woman You're my perfect my dream my everything my whole world If you could see my heart you'd know I'm all yours for better or for worse I want to hold you seep into you become a part of you forever You are my one and only the only star in my sky since the beginning we were made for each other Let me hold you, love do you feel my heart on you? does it speak to you? cry out for you? One day I'll be gone I want the world to know you were mine before I run out of time Darling, I fear the end is near The night is spent so let me hold you, dear If this is all I have -- this empty bed -- then let me imagine you here filling my last perfect moments with your peace.

She always came to me as a whisper in the night in the rain in my moments of deepest pain She was my forever my stranger my saint my permanent stain Whatever happened to us – shattered and twisted us – through the broken years, the hungry march of time? You were ungraspable almost unreal you created us strangled us put us to sleep When you left me I died my greatest death you came back to me expecting open arms You showed me what it was like to love and die at the same time you made it clear my destiny was to always be broken, broken, broken My dear muse your soft voice has faded you left me for the last time I see your dark love for me as a lesson learned too late My lover, my friend you broke me and leaving you has broken me again My muse, my dear muse This unconscionable decision has killed your killing time your feast of hate on my heart Your hungry eyes that only wanted more grow d...