Girls Girls Girls
I grew up in small towns. I still live in a small town. In a small town, when a pretty young thing smiles at you and says hi, it doesn't mean anything. You just say hi back and go on with your day. You know it's just the way things are in a small town. If I was anyone else, they'd say hi just the same.
This could be a clue as to why I was always pretty dense about girls and women (yes, some Mrs. Robinsons) who were into me. There are different levels of affection, of course, but I didn't want to explore them too deeply. Some girls wanted one thing, and some probably didn't even know they were giving off signals (I think they call those micro-expressions). The ones, however, who wouldn't take no for an answer were clearly not just saying hi.
When I was in grade school, there were always crushes. It was one girl or another. And some of these girls meant business. They'd chase me until I couldn't breathe anymore on the playground, then they'd haul me away somewhere and question me in depth about dating. It was a nearly everyday occurrence. When I moved to another town at the age of ten, shortly after that it was Valentine's Day, so I got all the girls the same valentine that said something like, "Let's be friends." They giggled and said, "Let's see who he likes," of course. They compared and were upset that they were all the same. I knew I couldn't show even a little bit of favoritism because then I'd be getting some poor girl's hopes up. It all sounds so cocky, I know, but that's the way it was. I honestly wished I didn't attract so many girls. I'm not the kind of guy who wants that attention.
When I was in high school and was traveling, for instance, random girls would say hi. Girls in cars on the highway would wave (wtf?) and sometimes honk (really?). I never thought I'd get flirty eyes, hellos, and even conversation thrown at me at a gas station while filling up, but I did. One time at a basketball game, some girls I didn't know told me I had nice legs and ran after me out of the gym.
After I got married, I thought much of that attention would go away. I got a fat ring and wore it. It did not. I didn't go out of my way to appear attractive, either. And the girls just got YOUNGER. It took me a while to realize that this was because I was getting OLDER. It was weird to have high school girls interested. Clearly, they didn't have high standards.
My wife wondered aloud at one point how many girls hit on me at my job. I said none did. She said I was crazy. From that point on, I made a note to keep track. For the most part, they wouldn't so much hit on me as everything but. There were a few who were more than just flirty. To a man who was married and considered himself off the market, it was shocking. Even women who knew that I was married clearly didn't care. Maybe I was safer to flirt with because there was no chance I'd do anything. All I know is that the older I got, the more I expected this issue to dissipate. It did not. Even my wife's friends would make inappropriate remarks. All of this was deeply embarrassing to me. I was always faithful to my wife; she was the only woman I had been with.
These stories aren't meant to reveal anything but the strange life I've had. Girls couldn't leave me alone. But they also didn't want to commit to me. I don't know what they saw in me. I was absolutely dumbfounded by some of the things that were said or done to me. When I did commit to a woman, she cheated both physically and emotionally. For a long time. I began to have a very distorted view of women. They only wanted sex. They didn't want to be faithful. This was a discouraging trend.
This raises some obvious questions about what I look like. Nothing special. Honestly. I was Middle America whitebread and still am. And I never went out of my way to look good because I didn't want to attract extra attention. There was never anything ultra-manly about me. I was pretty skinny, but I was a lot stronger than I looked. I didn't have a terrific body, although I was athletic. As I got older, I simply shaved my head and wore dark-rimmed glasses. I thought the simpler my look, the less attention I would get. Maybe I was right, but I still got attention. Sometimes girls went out of their way to tell me I wasn't their type. Here I am, married, and didn't assume I was anyone's type, and they're telling me this? Did I ask?
My belief — and this is my honest opinion — is that God gave me a quality that He knew would open doors because I have such a weak personality. He gave me something that would compensate for what I lack. I'm not a forceful person. I'm not enigmatic. I'm not charismatic. I'm really just terribly boring. No confidence whatsoever. I have a rich inner world, but that's about it. No one wants a rich inner world. What the hell is that?
Since I'm doing a retrospective of my life, I can't leave this out. This situation has been a huge puzzle for most of my life. All I wanted was ONE girl I could love. One girl to be with, to put my heart into, to feel safe with, someone I can be vulnerable with, someone who at least tries to understand. I'm not asking for a lot. But, maybe I'm asking for too much. I think a lot of guys have the fantasy of an abundance of women. Well, I had (and could have had even more if I'd wanted) an abundance. I didn't seek it out. I didn't even want it.
I'm not taking the opportunity to put this out there to praise myself. I don't want to degrade myself either. I did what I did for a reason, although now it looks like I just tried to hide from everything. I didn't go to prom. I didn't try to appear interested in any girls. Ironically, the girls I tried to be with either 1) Blew me off 2) Appeared interested for a while then blew me off 3) Outright rejected me 4) Broke my heart. This still puzzles me. I must have been the most clueless man alive. I just didn't get women. I still don't. At least I can admit that. Most of all, it makes the decision to be alone that much easier, like this is my destiny. And we should all embrace our destiny.
I remember the father of a girl I was trying to date telling me maybe God had called me to be celibate. I said that was a really hard road. It occurred to me at the time he just didn't want me to date his daughter. That's okay; she broke up with me anyway. Whether or not God chose celibacy for me, I don't know. I do know that the choice seems to be made regardless.
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