my careless contagion

When I sit alone in my little apartment. When I toss and turn in the night and you aren't there. When I talk to my son and he seems so far away. When I think of all the times you took advantage of my heart. When I see the damage that you've done to me. When I realize what a waste it was to love you. When I cry in my car. When I cry at night. When I get down on my knees and break once again. Sometimes all that's left is anger. If you hadn't been so callous and cold-blooded. If you hadn't mistaken me for an average man and an average love. If you hadn't spent so many hours with other men. If you hadn't disregarded my feelings, even as I broke before you. If you hadn't fooled me with your foolishness, been so careless with your carelessness. If you hadn't been so wonton. If you hadn't been so utterly stupid and reckless, so endlessly belligerent toward my soul. If you hadn't been so maliciously selfish. If you hadn...

I'm so tired of being tired. I just want it all to end. If there's no Great Beginning and no Great Perhaps, then that's alright. I just need to lay down and not get up again. This is me walking away.  Nothing makes sense anymore; I've only tried to do what's best, what's right. I never said I was perfect. I'm sorry for my mistakes and missteps; if I could walk them back I would. I've led a pretty decent life, and it's okay to let it go. So, this is me letting go. When we broke, I broke too, and that's not like me. I don't break like this, not over a girl. But you're not just an ordinary girl. You're the girl I want. If I had done one good thing for you, maybe it would be okay. I couldn't help but ruin a beautiful thing. I couldn't help but ruin you. This is me saying I'm sorry. I'd take the pain from your eyes if I could. I'd take the pieces of your heart and mend them, even if it took me a thous...

Dear God, these days have drained me of all life. When I thought I couldn't go any deeper into it, I sunk down further. When I thought I couldn't lose anything else, I lost still more. Maybe thinking is what's doing me in. I guess I don't get the point, and it's not like I ever did. Maybe I just need to see the end of me so you can show me that I'm not really in control. It seems that the end is as near as I want it to be. I want to walk through the cold and cutting wind and into the forest, to sit under a tree until sleep overcomes me. And never wake up. Let the wind molest me. Let the rain fall down. Let the coyotes tear my flesh. Let the beetles and the mice clean my bones. And let the ravens scatter them. The sun will bleach my bones. My flesh will return to the earth. And all the things that perplex me, haunt me, drive me, break me, cut me, and laugh at me will cease to exist. If I lay down under this tree, maybe I w...

At first, it was just a little drip drip then it hemorrhaged into something more soon I was sitting in a pool of it surrounded by it watching it creep out from me in a big circle It became clear some time ago I wasn't going to make it not at this rate And all I can say is I guess I'm fine because I still hear the questions and I say it all the time I guess this is okay the way my life is dripping away spreading out from me like it can't get away fast enough I guess it's okay that I went the wrong way made the wrong turn got sucked into this decay I guess it's okay that my loneliness won and I can't see past my hand because I'm losing too much blood I guess it's okay the way things feel today because I know tomorrow is going to feel worse I guess it's okay that I think so much about God because I want this to be over I want to go home These are my mistakes ...

    It was a one-two punch mourning the loss of two girls at once some days it felt like the pain would last forever I'm better now at least, some days I am I cry a lot: when I'm alone in my apartment when I've driving when I read books when I watch movies sometimes at work if I can hurry away in time always before I fall asleep and sometimes when I wake up I've lost everything hit rock bottom have wallowed in it have swallowed it become it I don't know why I persist I guess because I'm the only one who can live this life someone has to do it Is it true what they say when you hit rock bottom the only way to go is up? Now is when I find out.

I broke something I can't fix It's gone beyond my little world like cracks on a windscreen they've spread to you and those you love the most It's permanent like a stain it eats at me like acid rain My face in the mirror can no longer hide it I look away My hands are busy but my heart is hurting I can't help what I've done Not now anyway If I had a way to repair all of this I would rise up this moment feel for those cracks spread out to you and mend them There's an unspeakable pain I've sent into your world an unspeakable sin I've spawned because I wanted too much If I could go back to the moment I made that decision to let you into my dying world I would have kept that door closed Whatever befalls me will befall me this I'm certain but I've touched your life with my careless contagion like some sort of dead man walking I've contaminated hearts and minds foreve...

  *What I set in motion five years ago has come to fruition. Come home to roost. Whatever you want to say. Now I sit in the giant, rotten center of the end result of the decisions I've made. I'm surrounded by memories of things that are broken, lost, or never were. My mind is swollen with my mistakes; my heart is broken by my actions. I wonder if I will ever be able to stand again and walk out of this hurting, bleeding place. All the while, I hear a chiding voice asking me if I'm happy now. Well, am I?*     Now Don't just walk away Pretending everythings okay and you don't care about me And I know it's just no use When all your lies become your truths and I don't care Could you look me in the eye And tell me that you're happy now Would you tell it to my face Have I been erased Are you happy now Are you happy now You took all there was to take And left me with an empty plate And you don't care about it Yeah And I am givi...

It's been a long road I thought I knew things but I don't know a thing Older and wiser, sure but not wise enough I never saw this great disaster looming What made me think this time would be any different what made me think I could shed my skin I've written thousands of lines to some strange god listening somewhere but immobile, mute I should burn these pages let them rise like incense on the breeze let them rouse the slumbering god let them burn in its nose, speak in its ear Words are weak, I know words are nothing, really just sounds we lend meaning to just another weary wind blowing to and fro These lines are impregnated with pain heavy with guilt, with blame, with shame with the fullness of knowing that I have lost all How many times does a man have to pick up the pieces put his pants on, wash his face every morning like what happened didn't really happen How many times do I h...

Is there something to be said something to be done to take this pain away? The world is cracked and I am too The world is dying I know the feeling What makes this life worth living? I haven't a clue the answer isn't in me nor is it in you Love is a lie here today, gone tomorrow life is a beast devouring souls What is the point, dear God? what is this senseless drama about? what is the rhyme the reason, the season It's all broken broken on top of broken lying next to broken utterly, stupidly broken Scars don't make you stronger pain doesn't make you wiser all of this endeavors to make one ugly I don't have anything left I stare blankly at the sky without even the courage or will to die.

There are parts of me that are dying some are dead already that's okay; let them decay I must not need them anyway there's so much death here I have to hold my breath or risk choking on the fetid smell This grand new life this bold adventure requires much daily sacrifice I sacrifice my old self every day I've crawled out of so much rottenness so much disease destruction, chaos But I'm alive and, surprisingly, no -- shockingly -- happy I couldn't outrun the pain the rain or this stubborn stain I call my life I exist I am thankful and I can't wait for another day.