I never knew
In all my years and in all my thinking about the woman I would someday meet, I never knew she would be as amazing as you. Had I known, I would have abandoned fantasies and dead ends, sought you in every street and every avenue. Had I known you’d have such captivating green eyes, I would have shunned the gaze of so many women. Had I known you’d come to me, I would have waited patiently.
I never knew you’d come from so far away, that you’d have so much love and passion to give. I never knew your kisses would be so tender, your mind so dirty, your body so fit, your mind even fitter.
I never knew you’d be a petite brunette minx who would make me laugh more than anyone else, who would always turn a bad day around. I never knew how quickly you would capture my restless heart and flood my soul with hope. I didn’t know you would appear during the worst year of my life, shining light in my darkest hour.
I never knew I’d fall in love so fast and so hard, when I thought falling in love wasn’t possible at all. I never knew you would beckon me to try again, trust again, love again. I don’t know how you did it. You got me to nod along to your crazy plan, and here we are, standing on the shore of a new adventure.
***
I don't know what it is about me and green-eyed girls. Wrote that two months ago for Julia but never sent it. It's not the last love letter. The recent ones are personal and part of ongoing communication with someone else. Perhaps, if it flares out like the rest, I will post those too. An archive of musty love letters. It is my legacy. My reason for existing.
I may not have much time though. A few days ago, I was doing my daily sweating in the sun — alternating sprints with jogging — and collapsed. Apparently, some landscapers noticed, came over, saw I was unresponsive, then called 911. Spent two days at the hospital, with the doctors very upset I let my condition worsen to this point. (It's like being told you need a new engine in your car, but you still need to keep driving your car.) They are now saying I have months, perhaps weeks, to live. And they're upset? Shouldn't I be upset? I think they're just trying to scare me into a surgery I don't want. I'm sorry, but I don't want to leave my family with medical debt. I have enough for a burial. And why would I balk at the thought of going home? Sure, life is a gift, but mine is running out. Only God can grant an extension. I feel like I have one foot on the other side. Perhaps the reason I feel thwarted in moving forward in life is because there isn't going to be a life, thus no need to move forward. Now that's what I call using the noggin. If anyone wondered why the father in the book A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius (a true story) was positively gleeful before he passed away, I can tell you: it's a fantastic feeling. the Bible is correct; the conclusion of something is better than the beginning.
If you saw the haunted, pained man in mirror every day, you might understand. If you knew the desperation of a heart continually discarded over a lifetime, and not here and there, but everywhere and by everyone, then you might understand. I feel a great door opening and the opportunity to leave behind a world of cruelty. What is to be sad about? It's not my idea to kill off the main character. Obviously, when the author of the blog dies, the blog ceases. Google, ever nannying, may take it down eventually, but I hope it stands for a while. Besides a small amount of my genetic heritage, it's all I leave behind.
I said a lot of these pages, all 670 of them. Perhaps one wonders about the strong stance I took. I believe in the God of the sermon Sinners in the Hands of an Angry God (perhaps one of the most successful sermons in history). You've been listening to churchy granola preaching too long if you think I'm harsh. Did you know Paul called for those who were leading Christians astray to die? Literally wanted them dead. Did you know God honors that prayer sometimes? If someone is attacking His flock, He can and will neutralize them. That doesn't sound like the pablum coming out of pulpits today, yet it is 100% biblical. My approach to people, especially unbelievers, is gentler, but did you know it's okay to yell at people sometimes, that some will never crack and come to God or repent any other way, so hardened are they by their delusion? Did you know God isn't screwing around with the human race? That He means business? Did you know times of peace and blessing are God's mercy, not a right? I am ready to face God in my naked and disgusting state, yet standing firm in the belief He has me covered for what matters in eternity. No one else's opinion of me matters. It is for that reason I speak boldly. I can write softly, and my manners are gentle. But the truth prevails. Anything else is unloving. Lives are at stake. If a child is approaching a hot stove, tell them not to touch it. It's unloving not to warn them. Part of love is not letting people act like idiots. I appreciate honesty. It doesn't do me any good to say I'm doing alright when I'm a whole actual idiot. To continue in heresy leads others astray, increasing my error, as they pass it along to their loved ones too. Heresy spreads like a virus. We must inoculate ourselves with the truth. Speak when someone is doing something wrong. If it's in your power to correct a mistake, do so, especially if it's yours. Our mistakes echo through eternity.
When this blog at last goes silent, know I told the truth to the best of my ability. If I sideswiped the truth, it was small and strategic. Yes, sometimes you can lie and God looks the other way. Be careful, though. Don't make a habit. Think of David running from Saul or Rahab the harlot, if you wonder what's okay. In times of war or when your life in danger. Even Brother Andrew (God's Smuggler) admitted his work was disingenuous but said he never explicitly lied. When you're doing God's work, use your wits to the best of your ability. And with that, I will let myself out of the room.
Thank you for reading. And God bless.
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