Some thoughts on rock bottom
Someone wondered aloud how a follower of Christ could be so continually a mess. It resonated. My life is that way. I can account for the years when I went away from God by saying, "It's on me." Much of what I endured was my fault. What about the rest?
People look at a Christian's life and wonder why they would want to endure that kind of hardship. Hardships abound, no matter what. If you haven't tasted of it yet, you will. An unmolested life isn't what you think it is. It's God's mercy, giving you time and space to repent. All He has to do is take His hand away and you're in Job's position. Come to think of it, Job's wicked counselor "friends" said the same thing as the sentiment above. They said, "If you do well, your life will go well." Job was a righteous man, so why did he deserve what he went through? He lost literally everything (except his wife, but my guess is she went away too, for a time). Don't get me wrong. I believe when we follow the Lord, blessings follow. But, what Job went through was a blessing in the end. Consider all the millions of people who looked to his story during times of duress, wondering what God was up to, and gaining strength or understanding. There is so much to be gleaned from his story. The people who were blessed by it went on to do things for God they might not have done otherwise, which means Job gets some credit. His mansion in heaven will be big. Not everyone gets a mansion. What we have in eternity is built using raw materials we send up while here. Your foundation is secure because that's Jesus, but what you build upon that foundation depends on what you do here and now. Some are going to have a nice foundation and nothing more. Those who are the most carnally minded here will miss out on eternal blessings.
Think of it this way: if you bless a person and they do something for God, you get residuals. Each person you touch, if they keep going in the same spirit and touch other people, adds to your residuals. People who pray the most for others, though unseen, will generate vast residuals. The most famous people in heaven are going to be unknown here. If you're toiling for God in obscurity, cheer up. Your rewards will be great. Those who work for God to be seen of others, I'm afraid, will be disappointed. You must labor under the right spirit. Many will get to the judgement seat and be told their works were worth nothing, and many preachers considered great here won't be allowed to enter heaven. If this forces you to examine your walk, you're not alone.
Why do bad things happen to good people? First, I can't say I'm a good person. My righteousness comes from Christ, not from me. I'm covered by Jesus's sacrifice. But, I live the best life I can and things still go wrong. There are reasons this happens.
Curses and demons. They have legal right to send your life sideways. Pray and fast and see what God says, especially if it's something that "runs in the family" or has been a theme in yours. Curses can be broken and demons cast out. Sometimes you have to know the exact sin that placed the curse on your life, and the Holy Spirit is the only One who can reveal it. With particular curses, you have to name the exact thing that was done by an ancestor or yourself. Remember, the devil is a legalist. Think of him as a lawyer, always petitioning God for our punishment. He is the accuser of the brethren. God will make it clear if there is demonic activity related to what's going on in your life. I mention this first because it is often overlooked. Do this first!
Spiritual warfare. When you work against the devil in any measure, he fights back. If you aren't experiencing backlash of any sort, you aren't doing anything to upset the devil. And no, he is not particularly upset when people get saved. He can't do anything about it anyway. When you practice deliverance and binding and loosing, this upsets him because it directly affects his kingdom. Expect attacks proportionally related to how hard you are hitting him. Sometimes God allows situations that teach you how to fight, as we are all called to be warriors. Would you let a rabid dog come into your house and start chewing on your kid's head? Then why are you letting the devil come into your life and do that? If something is eating my leg, I'm not going to go, "Oh well." I'm going to destroy it, especially if it's attacking me or my kid. (I actually saw a video someone took of a mountain lion chewing on their dog's head. It made me so mad. But that's what so many Christians let the devil do.) Sometimes God gives us battles to harden and test us for future battles. If you think the one you're going through now is bad, cheer up, the worst is yet to come. So many people think we are going to be raptured out of this world, but why would God build an army just to have it taken out? He wants us to be strong and do exploits, and greater than anything the early church did! Get ready, Christian. It's coming! I am not welcoming the coming destruction. I vow to push back the devil’s timetable with the time I have left, hoping to see as many as possible come to the Lord and get free. The last battle is going to be big, but God’s army has always been small.
Testing and trials. You hear people say this all the time: "God will not give you more than you can handle." Absolute hogwash. God will absolutely give you more than you can handle, and for a good reason: so you will rely on Him, not yourself or anyone else. Not your money, not your friends, not your family. God wants you to know there are things you cannot handle on your own and no one else can help you in a meaningful way. He is your everything. Look up all the names of God and what He provides. He is literally everything you need, yet you go searching for answers elsewhere. He will bring you to a place of reckoning, if you follow Him. Trials are meant to strengthen and purify, change your character, and rid you of yourself. And if you are struggling with the same trial over and over, ask God what you're doing wrong. You won't move to the next level until you pass this test. God works mathematically, so you can't move to the next stage until you pass this one. The work that follows builds upon what you're dealing with now. Look at how much testing King David endured, and his legacy is eternal. He was so beloved that God chose to send His Son through David's lineage. The testing is worth it, if you follow through.
When you walk with God, you will experience things that don't make sense. The purpose is to send you closer to God, as we all want answers and direction. When it seems we are going the wrong direction, we naturally seek to understand why. What if God is asking you to trust Him when things don't make sense? What does that do to your sense of self-direction? See how it changes you? If God says, "Hey, you screwed up and went down that path on your own," then you have the opportunity to take correction. But if He says, "Trust me," then it deepens your faith. Will you trust Him, even if things don't make sense?
Personal mistakes. If you go your own way and are stuck, God can use that. God used David's infidelity to create a bloodline to send His Son to save the world. How about them apples? God can use our mistakes to clobber the devil and open new paths. You need a correctable heart, though. You will make mistakes. How you respond to them is the most important thing. Don't try to cover them up or blame it on someone else. Get your spanking and move on. I feel this one applies to me.
Punishment. If you're doing something wrong and are seeking God, He will plainly show you what you did and offer a path to get back on track. If something else is happening, you may not have the information upfront. Acknowledge God is in charge and trust Him. If there is a sin He is dealing with, let Him. Most Christians who are stuck aren't dealing with their sin. Deal with it to move forward. If you got off track, go back to the last thing God told you to do. You know what it is. Some of the most common sins for Christians are unforgiveness and sexual sins. No idea why but that's how it is.
Passivity. Many Christians are in a comfort zone. Yes, God is in charge, but we also have areas where we need to move and be productive. Don't complain about closed doors when you aren't trying to open any. And many Christians are comfortable at the bottom of the heap, perhaps because of a martyr complex. Believe it or not, blessings are harder to handle than a dearth. (Try me, Lord!)
Persecution. If you live a godly life in the Lord, you will face this. The devil cannot stand you because you're saved, and if you live your life in a godly way, you will attract persecution. If you have a calling on your life, it's even worse. Actually, we all have a calling, but some choose not to hear. If you hear that calling and answer, expect to be thrashed. Don't worry, you will receive eternal compensation. Anything you give up in this world to follow the Lord will be paid back many times over.
Refining your works. Works follow faith. We don't depend on works for our salvation, but we our works are a manifestation of what God did in our hearts. That's why I don't believe people like Ozzy Osbourne were saved (unless it was at the last moment). Nothing in Ozzy's life said he was a Christian. In fact, he was asked about God and gave a very unbelieving answer. My personal belief about him is he came from an Illuminati family (Sharon too) and endured the programming you get in those families, which is based on satanism. His wife, Sharon, who he said was his savior, was his handler, as the programming rendered him feebleminded in many ways, though brilliant musically (common with Illuminati bloodline programming, as it is based on trauma, but one way to keep the core of the traumatized person alive is to give it a creative endeavor). His original band, Black Sabbath, was named after a satanic ritual and all their songs were dark and occultic. Even his death was a ritual. (Reminds me of the Coldplay CEO Jumbotron ritual. If you think I'm nuts, look into the woman's bloodline who he was caught with. It was planned.) He called himself "the prince of darkness," also known as satan. Nothing in the man's life told me he changed course. If he had, we would have seen it. You think you can get hooked by Jesus, which is like biting down on a high-voltage wire, and come away anything but different? Works follow faith. If you follow God, you naturally repent of your dark deeds. Those who tell you that you can keep your bad habits when you come to Christ are lying; the Holy Spirit in you will groan day and night against your sin. There's an old story about a man who witnessed to Elvis Presley when he was newly famous. Elvis, who came from the south, attended church, and knew the gospel, correctly asked, "If I accept Jesus, I have to give up rock and roll?" He was told he would have to. Needless to say, he didn't give up rock and roll and likely died in his sins. (Some believe Bob Joyce is Elvis, which I think is a fun thought, as I am a lover of changed trajectories and conspiracy theories.) One of my childhood preachers told the story of when he was saved at the age of 15, stating he was "starched and ironed but never washed" and, "sliding to hell from a church pew." He went to church, could tell you how to be saved, but never met Jesus. When Jesus touched his life, his life changed. Our works bear witness to our faith. But you may have to go through some hell to get hell out of you. A natural crisis arises when a new Christian comes into the world. Expect things to get awful for a while, as those around you (and even yourself) will resist this change. It will get better.
Other reasons include weaning us off the world, breaking our independence (like the sheep that keeps getting lost), making us more gentle, making us more understanding, more humble, and causing us to look forward to an eternity in heaven. I don't pretend to know everything about rock bottom, but I have been there many times. I'm there now. These are some of the reasons a Christian will find themselves there. But, God can use our darkest moments for His glory. Look at all the things Paul went through. Joseph. Job. And Jesus's darkest hour was the most triumphant act of love in history. If we give those dark moments to God, He turns them into blessings. Hang in there.
As for my life, I can't offer a thoughtful explanation at the moment. Some things are only discerned after time passes. God will often try to strip away things we rely upon so we rely only on Him. The pruning of a grapevine looks cruel to the untrained eye. But that harshness makes the vine produce better fruit. Drought teaches the vine to send roots deeper to find water. And the fruit is sweeter as a result. If God takes things out of your life so you sit with Him, you are blessed. It may feel unfair and ugly at the moment, but you must see it through. Don't give up. And, if you decide to let go, you will find you weren't holding anything together. God has a way of humbling us. Best to humble yourself first. A good way to humble yourself is to fast and pray, seeking Him in those moments when you aren't sure what's going on or what to do. But don't make a decision when fasting. The answer will come, but you are too weak when you're fasting, and you're susceptible to all the voices that are broadcasting, not just God's. Don't take any old answer that comes by. Ask for confirmation, if you aren't sure. And if you have doors open you're not sure about, ask God to close ones that aren't the best. Ask for one open door. If you're like me, you aren't smart enough to make the best choice, so ask Him to make it simple. If He closes all the doors, keep praying, but spend that time of waiting with Him. God will open a door at the right time.
***
My identity was stolen. And the door to the job for which I was hired (and was dreading) inexplicably closed. (Unrelated.) Never seen anything like it. Would have complained, but I figured it was God's hand. I learned that even in moments of great questioning or fear to praise and thank the Lord. I get to spend more time with my son. Though some things don't make sense in the moment, we know they will eventually. What looks like bad news often isn't bad, when God is in charge. (On the bright side, this blog had 600 hits this month. Insert laughing/crying emoji.)
I continue to have nightmares about that woman. I imagine that will continue, as my subconscious brain still struggles with the unresolved nature and trauma of it all. In the latest dream, it was a crowded event at someone's home, and I was looking for an opportunity to say goodbye, but it was clear I wasn't wanted or needed there, so left. Basically the feeling of a discard endlessly repeating. Nightmares are a feeling, and it was a deep, dark, ugly feeling of panic. Yes, I wish the best in life for her, in spite of what she did. But. I closed every door for a reason. There is literally no reason to continue to have this emotional drag on my soul. Yes, they say it takes years to heal, but I worked hard to get to a better place. All I can think of is there is a soul tie still active because we were intimate, though I broke it thousands of times. Did you know if you eat cheese before bed, you're more likely to experience nightmares? Cheese — literally the stuff of nightmares. And I did have cheese before bed. Not to test this theory, but just because I love cheese.
I may post more love letters, as it's my desire to write beautiful things. Though the future is uncertain, we can still enjoy the present.
Thank you for reading. And God bless.
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