my careless contagion

The first time she broke my heart was December 1996. I didn't know it at the time, but she chose the man who ended up being her husband, a man she would have in her life for 22 years and is still tied to in her heart and by their two children.  Though it was many years ago, I remember the last conversation we had on the phone. When I hung up, I knew that would be the last time I talked to her (and it almost was, as 20 years went by). I remember she got angry at me for something. I thought it was because I brought something up she didn't want to talk about. Something difficult. She stopped talking to me for eight months. She did send me a letter, however, when she learned I was moving with my parents to another state. I threw it in the trash and never responded. I was still dreadfully hurt by her. And I was angry.  The second time was much worse. After enjoying each other immensely for a few months, shortly after the first time we had a weekend together, I could feel it....

This song gives me goosebumps. I'm not even a Keith Urban fan. Still, it's perfect. This song is about fucking in a car. I mean, if you want it to be, it clearly is. The video is almost pornographic. It reeks of sexuality. But, that's not what I heard the first time I heard this song. I heard my heartstrings playing a slightly different tune.  When you miss someone who used to be in your life, you have these really strange moments when you imagine they are with you. You could be in your car. You could be in the shower. You could be cooking dinner, watching tv, getting ready for bed, whatever. It's almost like they're there. It's that ache that tells you they're not there; it's that ache that sends you back to reality with your tail between your legs, and it's that ache that I hear in this song.  After losing the love of my life, I had those moments all the time. I thought I could conjure her. I could almost feel her lips on mine, could a...

If I never knew love before you, then I never knew sadness until you left me.  "What's wrong with me?" I whisper for the 100th time today.  There's never a good answer. Just the beating of my heart and the slow ache that tells me you're nowhere to be found. I've never felt this way about anything or anyone.  I didn't know I could love again. That was a wonderful discovery. You tapped into something so deep in me, I can't even explain. You required honesty. You wanted the truth. You made me love you when you asked those things of me. Love flowed from an undiscovered source. You found this in me, and I gave it to you.  When you left me in silence, no amount of words could bring you back. And I knew I was in trouble when I would wake in the night and the ache in my chest was more than just real. It was killing me. I expected you to fade, but you did not. You became stronger and more resilient in my heart. I couldn't silence y...

It's time to say goodbye to what I thought we had. I don't know if I was realistic in believing it was truly how I saw it, but it doesn't matter now. There's nothing left to do but say goodbye. I don't think I'm strong enough to do this. I don't feel strong enough to hold myself up in a chair right now. It has to be done, and I'm never going to be okay some distant someday until I let it go completely. The pain is mostly over. Now it's just me holding on to sadness, and sadness does what sadness does. We've parted ways. We've walked our separate paths now. We've seen that neither of us had what the other needed. It's so hard to miss her sometimes. And, it's the only thing I can actually feel most days. If I say goodbye to this, then I will have nothing — just a big, black hole in my chest. Still, I know this is all I will ever have if I don't let go. Letting go means I can have something someday...

I'm so tired of being tired. I just want it all to end. If there's no Great Beginning and no Great Perhaps, then that's alright. I just need to lay down and not get up again. This is me walking away.  Nothing makes sense anymore; I've only tried to do what's best, what's right. I never said I was perfect. I'm sorry for my mistakes and missteps; if I could walk them back I would. I've led a pretty decent life, and it's okay to let it go. So, this is me letting go. When we broke, I broke too, and that's not like me. I don't break like this, not over a girl. But you're not just an ordinary girl. You're the girl I want. If I had done one good thing for you, maybe it would be okay. I couldn't help but ruin a beautiful thing. I couldn't help but ruin you. This is me saying I'm sorry. I'd take the pain from your eyes if I could. I'd take the pieces of your heart and mend them, even if it took me a thous...

I wonder about that girl who touched my life in so many ways. When we started talking, she was so strong and so brave. She made me smile on the inside and the outside in so many ways. I loved talking to her more than anything else. I thought we'd go on like that. I hoped we'd go on like that. But we didn't go on like that. Sadness crept into our conversations. I noticed it slowly at first. We both talked about our personal sadness. I imagined myself holding her tight, never letting go. That's all I wanted to do. I wanted her to know that she was loved and everything would be okay. If she cried in my arms, I would kiss her neck and whisper, "I love you, and I always will." I couldn't be what I wanted to be for her. I couldn't be anything. If there was a sideline to her life, I wasn't even there. I was further away than that; I couldn't even watch, much less partake. My hands were tied. I watched helplessly as the wolves surrounded he...

At first, it was just a little drip drip then it hemorrhaged into something more soon I was sitting in a pool of it surrounded by it watching it creep out from me in a big circle It became clear some time ago I wasn't going to make it not at this rate And all I can say is I guess I'm fine because I still hear the questions and I say it all the time I guess this is okay the way my life is dripping away spreading out from me like it can't get away fast enough I guess it's okay that I went the wrong way made the wrong turn got sucked into this decay I guess it's okay that my loneliness won and I can't see past my hand because I'm losing too much blood I guess it's okay the way things feel today because I know tomorrow is going to feel worse I guess it's okay that I think so much about God because I want this to be over I want to go home These are my mistakes ...

    It was a one-two punch mourning the loss of two girls at once some days it felt like the pain would last forever I'm better now at least, some days I am I cry a lot: when I'm alone in my apartment when I've driving when I read books when I watch movies sometimes at work if I can hurry away in time always before I fall asleep and sometimes when I wake up I've lost everything hit rock bottom have wallowed in it have swallowed it become it I don't know why I persist I guess because I'm the only one who can live this life someone has to do it Is it true what they say when you hit rock bottom the only way to go is up? Now is when I find out.

  *What I set in motion five years ago has come to fruition. Come home to roost. Whatever you want to say. Now I sit in the giant, rotten center of the end result of the decisions I've made. I'm surrounded by memories of things that are broken, lost, or never were. My mind is swollen with my mistakes; my heart is broken by my actions. I wonder if I will ever be able to stand again and walk out of this hurting, bleeding place. All the while, I hear a chiding voice asking me if I'm happy now. Well, am I?*     Now Don't just walk away Pretending everythings okay and you don't care about me And I know it's just no use When all your lies become your truths and I don't care Could you look me in the eye And tell me that you're happy now Would you tell it to my face Have I been erased Are you happy now Are you happy now You took all there was to take And left me with an empty plate And you don't care about it Yeah And I am givi...

*This song is clearly about the end of a relationship and the effects of that on the children. This is very much where my mind goes at this moment. My son is trying hard to not let any of this affect him, what's happening in his world. I knew there would be a price to pay for leaving my wife, but I never wanted my son to pay that price. He's trying so hard to be strong. I know his world is in turmoil. Even though I feel like he's been taken care of in amazing ways, I still can't help but feel shattered by what he's going through. When he goes to bed, I'm not there to say goodnight. When he cries out for me in the night, I am not there. When he wakes in the morning, I'm nowhere to be found.  When he's sick, what comfort am I?  My son, what have I done to you?* Precious and fragile things Need special handling My God what have we done to You? We always try to share The tenderest of care Now look what we have put You through Things get damage...

Walking from empty room to empty room I feel the full weight of what I've wrought bearing down on me Walking that lonely trail brought tears to my eyes there's a last time for everything and a last time for us Remember when we walked together our son on my back down these same paths? he ate his first wild raspberries here and shared them with us This place saw us come and bid us farewell it remains but we have changed for "we" are no more My heart is broken my eyes have endless tears for the measure of our lives together here This house held us together for these three years.

*This song was on the radio a lot in 1996 and 1997. I guess it seeped into my subconscious. After I met the girl I would eventually leave Nebraska for and start a new life with in Ohio, I consciously adopted this song as my "theme song" for our relationship. Obviously, this song is not about loving a girl; it's about rejecting how or who you're being told to love. It's a breaking-free song. I was breaking free from my parents with my act of defiant love for someone who I knew they would hate. Anyone who knew me at the time was probably well aware that I generally did not love pop songs. This is a pop song, yet I adopted it. It became mine. All the years since then, when I hear this song, I immediately go back to that cross-country trip and what were the beginnings of my new life. I simply could not explain what I was doing or feeling to anyone. This song kind of bridged the gap. If I could stay within the parameters of this band, then I could easily descri...

It's been a long road I thought I knew things but I don't know a thing Older and wiser, sure but not wise enough I never saw this great disaster looming What made me think this time would be any different what made me think I could shed my skin I've written thousands of lines to some strange god listening somewhere but immobile, mute I should burn these pages let them rise like incense on the breeze let them rouse the slumbering god let them burn in its nose, speak in its ear Words are weak, I know words are nothing, really just sounds we lend meaning to just another weary wind blowing to and fro These lines are impregnated with pain heavy with guilt, with blame, with shame with the fullness of knowing that I have lost all How many times does a man have to pick up the pieces put his pants on, wash his face every morning like what happened didn't really happen How many times do I h...

I remember her and her smile it was so weak and she was so sick She was beautiful in dresses, jeans jacket, underwear or nothing at all And those eyes they lit up my world that perfect smile could captivate me forever I couldn't get enough she was all mine for just a moment but what a moment it was Wrapping my arms around her for the last time I hoped against all hope I would see her again I'd take reality over fantasy any day if she could just be mine I let her go but I'll remember her one last smile.

Is there something to be said something to be done to take this pain away? The world is cracked and I am too The world is dying I know the feeling What makes this life worth living? I haven't a clue the answer isn't in me nor is it in you Love is a lie here today, gone tomorrow life is a beast devouring souls What is the point, dear God? what is this senseless drama about? what is the rhyme the reason, the season It's all broken broken on top of broken lying next to broken utterly, stupidly broken Scars don't make you stronger pain doesn't make you wiser all of this endeavors to make one ugly I don't have anything left I stare blankly at the sky without even the courage or will to die.

Well you only need the light when it's burning low Only miss the sun when it starts to snow Only know you love her when you let her go Only know you've been high when you're feeling low Only hate the road when you're missing home Only know you love her when you let her go And you let her go Staring at the bottom of your glass Hoping one day you'll make a dream last But dreams come slow and they go so fast You see her when you close your eyes Maybe one day you'll understand why Everything you touch surely dies Cause you only need the light when it's burning low Only miss the sun when it starts to snow Only know you love her when you let her go Only know you've been high when you're feeling low Only hate the road when you're missing home Only know you love her when you let her go Staring at the ceiling in the dark Same old empty feeling in your heart Love comes slow and it goes so fast Well you see her wh...

All those miles of text between us all those songs I played that spoke for me All that time -- 21 years! and you finally put it together you finally figured it out what my love looks like I poured my heart out for you my lifeblood too my time, my talents my everything Only to be spurned only to be burned beaten, left behind well, not this time Our time has run out our morning has turned to night and our night to this What is it driving me this way? what was it that got in our way? I don't know but it isn't my love, dear.

Every morning is the routine every day the same old thing What has changed? you and me We're no longer "we" It's little things put away forever furniture moved around boxes on the ground books that once belonged to us linens, sheets, towels, music pictures, letters, notes They await the day of rending the day of breaking sorting, dividing the day of letting go Mornings at the window coffee in hand sliding into evening's sheets together reading before I turn off the light The big things, the small things all share the same fate they won't travel with us together this is a study in letting go You won't cry over things or fight you won't throw a tantrum you'll simply let go What was once us has been reduced to dust I sit in sackcloth and ashes my cheeks stained, my eyes red This rending is more than just things more than just memories more than just a change of address This is us letting go l...

All their faces become one all their lies and all their eyes bore into me I am frozen stalled rejected once again standing still and wondering Who keeps hitting "repeat" on this track who keeps stut-stut stuttering their lines over and over again I have one last shot one last chance to love but I am shuttered out of town out to lunch I want that one woman I can mesh with talk with, feel with shake off the dust of this town with and in the end, smile with But they all have agendas I hide my heart cover my mouth censor my thoughts and sleep with one eye open What I see is that girl waiting for me but the question is does she see me? Will she line up like the rest raise her weapon aim at my chest? Sadly, I believe I know the answer.

Pictures, postcards notes, birthday cards letters soaked in yearning thousands of miles of text back and forth forever we've talked through distance, through tears You were my everything and I tried to be yours you were the rain that watered my fields of hope and acres of thorns I longed for you so many nights I begged you to remain only mine but you were always swept up in someone else's storm You had no mercy on my heart and now I hear your voice crying, pleading have mercy -- one last time Oh, how you've torn me and you intend to tear me one last time you intend to break me forever like you used to do all the time I'm so broken I can't even respond I'm making excuses but we both know how this ends I don't know why it hurts so much leaving like this I can't bear doing you how you've done me If I die tonight It's all the same if I run through hell no one will catch me I'm ...