The intensity of being

A Scientific American article here purports that much of the "mindfulness" trending in our culture is perhaps not what people need. Yes, mindfulness can help one recover more quickly from a bad experience or lend clarity to the future, but intense experiences — good and bad — do more to define us than anything else. 

Why do I care about this? I'm 41 years old. Am I not defined yet? Well, I made a pretty big midlife U-turn, which caused me to wonder who I was exactly. What is my new life supposed to look like? In short, yes, I need some defining. 

When I was in high school, I remember reading an article about a girl from my school who went to Europe. She said her favorite part of the trip was touring a WWII concentration camp. I thought that sounded ridiculous. What a sad experience, I thought! But, you know what, that experience and the intensity of it, is what helped define this young woman. What I saw as horrible was pure gold to her. 

There are many times when I'm writing this blog when I want to apologize because what I say must sound sad or depressing. But, these are important, defining moments. The value of these events and feelings I have is not in the emotional output but, rather, in the rumination process. Mindfulness and tranquility do not contribute to the rumination (my word has been retrospection) process. Let me restate: mindfulness is important. We have minds; we are supposed to use them to inform our lives; God gave us our brains for a reason. However, mindfulness doesn't put anything in. It just helps us process what is being put into our lives. 

My divorce was an intense experience. Rumination has helped me process my divorce. Mindfulness has helped me heal after my divorce and look toward the future. In all of these things, God has guided and disciplined me. But I showed up to work every day to do the hard work, for what it's worth. Sometimes I didn't do the right thing, and I freely admit that, but my heart has almost always been in the right place; however, I did go about things the wrong way at times. Me not covering up that fact is important. It means there is potential for learning and growth. That's a big plus. 

Then there was Cindy, the girl I fell in love with during my separation. 

If I look at how I treated Cindy over the past few years, I am mostly ashamed. My impatience and temper got the better of me too many times. Anyone who tries to sever ties with someone who already severed ties with them is just being a dick (as in, hey, before you go, I want you to remember me as a dick forever). Do you want to know how many times I did that? Overtly, three. Three effing times: once in (I think) August 2017, once in May of 2018, and once in July of 2019. And those were just the overt times. The things God told me to be careful not to do were exactly the things I did. I have no excuse for that other than I am a weak human being. So, Cindy may be gone now, but I can still learn those things, and that's where I am now. I'm trying my hardest to do what God has told me to do, fully accepting I screwed up in the past but looking with hope toward the future. What's gone is gone, but I can still do something about now and the future.

Part of my growth has been because I accepted defeat in some areas of my life. There was literally nothing I could do to win. It's in those moments of defeat when I ask for assistance that I actually grow and learn. It's turning lemons into lemonade. 

What I admire about my son is he is often ballsy. He learns because he throws himself into situations, often without any clue what he's doing. Is that always going to turn out okay? Oh, good golly, no. But those intense learning experiences are beneficial. He's not going to nail it every time, but he certainly isn't going to nail it if he doesn't try! 

Case in point: this summer my son did swimming lessons for the first time. He hated it most days, complained, said he wasn't going to do it, really hated when he had one of the more intense instructors (Brian), and said he didn't want to go back. But, every day when I asked him about it after it was over, he said it was great and he enjoyed it. After the two weeks were over, he even gave Brian a hug! Did he have a change of heart? Kind of. He knows the value of the intensity of the experience, even though no one has ever taught him this. The experience turned into a positive because it stretched him and he grew. And now he's learning even more in his grandparents' pool, sometimes swimming unassisted with flotation devices! What started out with him being unusually hesitant ended up being a great experience. 

This school year, he's scheduled to be a "play partner" for kids who are developmentally slower. The elementary school, through a screening, recognized him as having a "strong" personality and saw his willingness to help others. Instead of waiting a year to see him enter kindergarten and essentially doing nothing, now we can see him put his talents to use, if only a couple times a week. This kid wants to grow and learn, so this is a step in the right direction, we think. On another note, the woman who evaluated him said, "Wow, that kid is smart," which I think is said too often around him (she didn't say it when he was in the room) because I think perseverance is more important than intelligence. She noted his language skills are good, having trouble only with the sh, ch and r sounds, though, she noted, he can make those sounds when pressed. So it's a matter of having the skill but not using it. Personally, I think him replacing the r sound with the w sound is adorable, but I digress. Those sounds are not usually mastered until the age of 7 or 8, she said, and he's not even 5. Basically, he's ready for kindergarten right now, but he has to wait a year. So, instead of seeing him spin his wheels for a year, having the opportunity to see him engage with kids and sort of mentor them in a learning environment seems like a good idea.

So, over the past few years, I've endured much. The exact thing I didn't want to happen when I left my marriage happened, though I completely expected it. I lost two relationships at once, which was a mortifying, humiliating, depressing, and just plain gosh-awful experience, something that will never be repeated. And those feelings went on for years. I can laugh about it now because I went through it and survived. I am the healthiest I have been in years, and that fact is utterly amazing. What I went through was intense, though, and I learned a lot about myself and other people. Mostly, I learned a lot about God. I have prayed more in the last few years than probably all of my combined years before that! 

When I fell, I asked for forgiveness. There is nothing hanging out there weighing on my heart. I have shed all of those burdens. When I was in deep trouble, I went to the right person. When I was full of pain and suffering, God was there to help me. I went in the right direction when I needed help the most. That's the only thing I can give myself credit for. Our decisions matter. I made the right decision time and time again to take my cares to God. It's not much, but I do deserve a small pat on the head for that. 

My storm is over. The pain is nearly gone. The greatest struggles have ceased. In many ways, I feel defeated, but I know God won. Yes, I have lost many things. But what I gained outweighs all of them. For that, I am eternally grateful. 

Thank you for following my story. I don't know what any of you felt when I was in the heart of the storm, but it was pretty intense from my standpoint. This is, after all, where I put my least pretty thoughts and feelings. So thank you for enduring that. Please know I am in a  much healthier place as I write this. Hopefully, more positive posts are forthcoming.