my careless contagion

Alex Honnold after his death-defying, 3,000 ft. free solo climb of El Capitan in 2017. Death is terrifying. It's like walking through a door you can't ever reopen. It is the most final thing we can do. It's not that our lives are so short, though some of them are. It's that we're dead for so long.  So many millions and billions have died before me. I should be assured it is nothing but common to die. Yet, I have not died, therefore, it is an uncommon experience for me.  I'm not concerned about myself, as I trust my eternity to God. I did nothing to be brought into this world, He has gotten me through my life thus far, and my eternity is entirely up to Him, as well. However, what about those left behind?  I've contemplated suicide many times, for years, really. Most of my life. I remember being in the back of the family car (station wagon, Suburban, I don't remember which) and wishing with all of my might to die. I was banished yet again to the...

It's the echo of my own mind. It's the words of a friend. It's the sharp blast of winter wind in the eyes. It's waking from a lovely dream only to be thrust back into an awful reality. It's living with a decision you didn't make. It's an accident on the freeway. Your dog getting hit in the street. A miscarriage. A letter you read and discarded but wish you had back every single day. It appears to be that time, dear readers, to face reality. I've been chasing butterflies, riding unicorns into the sunset, reading fairy tales and imagining the man in the moon coming to life for too long. It's time. I hear it in the words of a friend. Sometimes it's just a gentle tug that I need to get me back on the road. Sometimes I need to be hit over the head with a map and cursed at a little. THAT WAY. Go that way, dummy.  There is a period of adjustment after the end of a relationship when one feels free. You can do anything you want! I've imagin...