my careless contagion

The letter from Cindy — that infamous letter — still haunts me. It's been more than 22 years since I got that letter, yet I cannot forget it. If there's one thing in my life I could take back, it's throwing away that letter. In all my forgiving, I always get stuck on this. It's so hard to forgive myself for that. But, my retrospective has gifted me with much insight — insight into myself and my actions. You see, there's more to this story. The narrative was this: A lifetime ago, somehow Cindy heard my family was moving away, so she sent me a goodbye letter. In that letter, in her flawless handwriting, she stated she loved me. I recall feeling rejected by her at some point before that, so I chalked up my throwing away of the letter to that, thinking I was, perhaps, still angry with her. I do recall a conversation we had on the phone and after I hung up, I thought, "That's the last time I'm going to talk to her, isn't it?" Sadness. Not ange...

Cindy. I've written about her extensively. I've thought of her much more extensively. And I have loved her much more.  When she came back into my life in December 2016, it was like a revelation. I was instantly thankful. Here was the girl I had missed all those years. I was pretty sure I was going to fall in love with her the first time around, but it became clear I really had; I just didn't know how to say it.  And the second time around, I fell in love again, and quickly. But, within months, our relationship was over. I had broken open her world. Not just her life, but inside, as well. I don't know if she ever told others what she told me, but I felt we shared deeply. I hope she trusted me as much as I trusted her. I gave her my world, my heart, my endless love.  There is nothing but gratitude now. She is gone. She is silent. I know she is living her life, but I am no longer a part of it. Does she think of me 100 times a day like I do her? I hope she remember...