Reconciliation

This post examines the meaning of the word reconcile. I've put the definition I found here. 2019 gave me a lot to reconcile, needless to say. This is how I sorted things out.

reconcile

(rɛkənsaɪl )

Word forms: reconciles, reconciling, reconciled

1. transitive verb

If you reconcile two beliefs, facts, or demands that seem to be opposed or completely different, you find a way in which they can both be true or both be successful.

It's difficult to reconcile the demands of my job and the desire to be a good father.

2. ergative passive verb

If you are reconciled with someone, you become friendly with them again after a quarrel or disagreement.

He never believed he and Susan would be reconciled.

3. transitive verb

If you reconcile two people, you make them become friends again after a quarrel or disagreement.

...my attempt to reconcile him with Toby.

4. transitive verb

If you reconcile yourself to an unpleasant situation, you accept it, although it does not make you happy to do so.

She had reconciled herself to never seeing him again.

reconciled adjective [v-link ADJ to n/-ing]

She felt, if not grateful for her own situation, at least a little more reconciled to it.

When a person reconciles his thoughts, he's taking two opposing thoughts and somehow ensures both are true and successful. Last year, I had a lot of time to think about things. I don't if I'll have the same amount of time to think about things this year. However, it's clear I have a lot of thoughts about many things (perhaps that's an understatement), many of which are neither here nor there. These are the conclusions I came to last year about the Cindy question. What is clear is I should have arrived at a conclusion sooner, as I added distress to my life as well as hers and her family, for which I repent.

Cindy has done definition number two, which leaves me with a question as to what to do about my feelings for her as well as other thoughts. It appears I cannot do definition number one, as two opposing things cannot always be reconciled. One has to be the loser. So, I have decided on definition number four. It is the most gracious course I can take, and that girl deserves that sort of classy finality. She is, after all, a classy girl. The least I can do is emulate her class and poise and step out of sight.

There is only one thing I wanted to add to the whole Cindy discussion, but I felt God told me no, that I was simply beating a dead horse. I wrestled with that for quite some time and then gave up. She walked away from the whole discussion years ago, and it's my turn to pull up my big-boy pants and do the same. Why am I writing this now? It's for my healing and also as a record of my thoughts. I was willing to walk away from the whole thing more than two years ago and decided not to. That was my choice. I've talked about the strange circumstances of that choice, but in the end, it was me making it and no one else. Enough talk of that.

I've prayed a lot over the years about all kinds of stuff that was near and dear to me. I remember praying when I was a child about our dog who was going to have puppies, that they would all be born alive and well. One was stillborn, and I remember being very upset with God. Sometimes we don't get what we want. But perhaps our dog couldn't nourish that extra puppy. It's not for me to know. I could spend my whole life asking these kinds of questions. There are things in my life right now I could choose to be sad or angry about. Instead, I have chosen a different response.

In the last few years, my praying has ramped up exponentially as the crises in my life ramped up. For some things, I saw quick resolutions. Others dragged on. Some I've been praying about for years, not really knowing whether or not my prayers were answered. None of this matters right now. My heart is clean before God. I've decided on a course of action. I'll stick with it to the end. That's all I know. Coming to terms with what transpired between Cindy and me over the last three-plus years was all that was left on my plate, and I've done that now, which frees me up for whatever God will bless. In the end, my struggle was with God and not with any person. 

There isn't much I can say anymore. I'm sorry for the pain I caused everyone, especially Cindy and her children. But also my ex-wife and my son, her family, and mine. The trajectory I was on was that of destruction. I was hell-bent on destroying my marriage. In the last few years of my marriage, I struggled with relationships outside of my marriage. Twice before Cindy came along, I started to fall in love with other women. This, as well as other things, told me my marriage was doomed. I sought to exit that marriage, but my ex defied my wishes (as was her norm). A child came of our last, tumultuous years together. I have that to be thankful for. Unfortunately, I unleashed hell on earth in the lives of those around me. I'm incredibly sorry about how I went about doing those things, and I have repented. There is more I can say about that, but it's between me and God.

There is a gospel song that says, "We'll talk it over in the bye and bye. We'll talk it over, my Lord and I." It speaks of all the questions we have here on earth, and how someday it will all be explained. People say there are no tears in heaven. That's not true. There will be tears, but God will wipe all of them away. I think those two things are related. 

About Cindy, though. Any reader of this blog knows my thoughts about her, as well as my abounding love. She is more than just a woman I loved. She is one of the finest human beings I've ever known. She just happens to come in the shape she does, which I also find attractive. What I enjoy most about her is on the inside. And there's so much. 

I have thanked God relentlessly for allowing me to get to know that girl, to see what she's made of, to understand how she functions, to know what love in action looks like. That thankful prayer has never wavered, and I will pray it for the rest of my life. I could be angry or sad, but I've chosen to be grateful. When everything you've known in life is counterfeit or a fake, and suddenly you come across the real thing, it changes your life. That's what happened with me and Cindy. She's pure gold, though tainted by knowing me. For that, I'm sorry. Still, I am forever thankful for knowing her. I wish she could say the same about me.

This year I want to shift the focus of my blog. I already have a few posts lined up. I want to express how grateful and thankful and blessed I am. I've come through some very hard things, and now I'm staring at a perplexing future. I feel, perhaps, as King Hezekiah did when he was told he was going to die, after he prayed and asked God to spare his life, and God gave him 15 more years. (I should point out that aligns with my Arguing with God post, strangely enough) I feel I have a new lease on life, however long it is. I'm not a very good man, but God has chosen to bless me with another chance. This time, I'm starting over with Him at the helm. 

I'm glad I got to see that girl one last time, to hug her again. I'm glad about so many things concerning her. I knew she was too good for me. But you can't blame me for trying. I tried to chase her in my awkward, ill-advised way for more than 2.5 years after she broke things off with me. For that, I apologize. That was poor of me. Some things are just worth it, though. I put her at the top of that list. 

Everything is done and settled. It's like I'm watching the end of a football game, the winner of which a foregone conclusion. But it's my team out there, and I'm going to watch until the last second expires. I've reconciled myself with my present reality. I'll sit in the stands, feeling the wind blow through me, and be grateful my team played so honestly and valiantly. And that there are no hard feelings.

Thank you for reading.