A prayer


When I pray, it's nothing eloquent. My prayers are that of a child simply talking to his Father. My Bible tells me He is near the brokenhearted and a contrite spirit He will not despise. So, everything I pray comes from my heart. So, too, does this prayer, which I prayed in part one day while walking on a winter beachscape.

Dear God, 

You know she's on my mind and in my heart. You know how much she means to me. You saw everything I felt. Maybe you felt it too. It had to come from somewhere. 

I know I didn't go about things the right way. I did a whole lot of wrong. I learned from that. You taught me, you corrected me, you sent me down a different path. Thank you for that. I know you love me because you chasten me. 

I want to thank you for the moments I had with that beautiful girl. I know you see my heart and know I never intended to damage her or anyone else. My soul was starving, and she was the stolen bread I needed. I'm so sorry I brought all of this about. I'm so sorry I hurt her. I'm so sorry I hurt you. I was selfish for a moment, and I was ravenously hungry for something good and meaningful. It doesn't excuse taking what didn't belong to me. For the first time, I got to feel what it was like to feel whole instead of broken, to feel completed by a woman instead of endlessly detracted. To feel blessed instead of cursed.

I'm no better than any other man. But I do try to walk next to you. I fall down a lot. I whine a lot. I cry more than I care to admit. I fail so much, but you gently upbraid me, remind me of your love, and are endlessly patient even though I am not with you. I don't deserve this walk and its blessings. But you chose me. And now I choose you. 


I'm endlessly blessed. Still, I never could lay claim to that girl's heart. I've seen the great carnage I've brought into her life, and I want it to end. Please, put peace in her heart and give her the path to take. If it means I will never see her again, it's okay. I just want her to be okay. It's torn me up more than anything to see her broken like this. Maybe that man doesn't deserve her, but that's not a judgment I can make. I didn't deserve her either. And I know your great mercy and grace toward us. I know you give wonderful things to those who don't deserve them.

Please, let him have her if it means an end to all of her suffering. If it's between me having her and watching her break or him having her and watching her being put back together, I choose the latter. I only want her to be okay again, so whatever that takes. She is the most precious thing that has lived in my heart besides Your love. I've never wanted anything but to know she's okay. 



Whatever happens, I know I will be okay. I walk with you. You changed my heart. You bent it back to you, and permanently. I will never stray again. If you can change my heart, I know you can change that man's heart and you can change her's. So please do that. Please bring that man to a place of repentance and cause him to repair all he's stolen, killed, and destroyed in his life, his children's lives, Cindy's life, and anyone else's lives. And make him restore many times over all those things. Don't let him ever hurt her in those ways again. Restore unto them the years the locusts have eaten many times over. I'm only asking for what I feel is right.

While it may have been wrong to want what I wanted, I thank You that you allowed me to have it for a time. It wasn't really mine, so I had to give it back. That's okay. I got to see what it would be like to love a woman like that and to have her love me back. It was one of the greatest things to ever happen to me. I saw things I never would have seen. I learned things I never would have learned. I grew in ways I never thought possible. I swelled in my heart with such hope and joy, it nearly killed me. I thank you for that short time with her. 


As I walk along this frozen shore, I hear Your creation all around me. I've let it in, and it stirs something necessary and wonderful. Though she is gone and I have lost her (and maybe I never truly had her), I am grateful to have known her. If I ever have another moment with her, you know I will not take it for granted. And if you have something else for me, I won't take that for granted either. 

I miss her. I miss her with a fierceness that sometimes breaks me. Please take away all this hurt from off my heart. Please speak peace into my most turbulent parts and strength into my weakest parts. And please do the same for her. 


As I walk away from here, I am changed. When I walk with you — even for a short while — I always walk away changed. How you do that, I don't know. But it's all I want the rest of my life. If you bring a woman into my life, bring a woman into my life who will respect that and won't keep me from that. It's all I live for now. 

I've seen my error. I've seen what could have been had I followed you my whole life instead of just here or there. I thank you for what you've shown me. Now, give me the strength to continue with You. And, if I am in error in any way, please reveal it to me. I don't want to stray from your side because that is a loneliness I cannot abide.

Thank you for so much and so many things. Thank you that even though I sought to cast myself away, You never did. Thank you for being the reason I get out of bed every morning, the reason I return to you every day and night in prayer, the reason why I seek the truth and what's beautiful and good in this world. And thank you for that girl, if only for a moment. 

Amen.

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