Broken

I've been thinking about brokenness and what that means to a Christian. It's easy to think about this concept because I don't have to look far. I am a broken man. These are some of my thoughts. 

It is clear my past relationships and jobs and other things were just a cover for a lot of childhood trauma. My sadness took hold in my childhood, and I looked for things in my life to blame for that sadness. I may have even self-sabotaged in order to do that. Whatever the case, I feel I've been a broken man most of my life. 

The good news is, God can use that brokenness. Psalm 34:18 states God is near the brokenhearted and saves those of a contrite spirit. Automatically, God is closer to me than those who are not broken or do not admit their brokenness. However I may have gotten here, I'm here.

There's more, though. Brokenness is often an outcome of walking with Jesus. Matthew 21:44 says that whoever falls on the rock (Jesus) will be broken, but on whomever the rock falls, they will be crushed (speaking of the religious folks). The story of what Jesus Christ did on the cross leads to brokenness. Once you really get it, it tears you up in an undoable way. It forever rearranges you inside. However, for the scribes and Pharisees and the other religious folks of Jesus' day (and, psst, they're still among us), if they didn't get out of the way of what God was doing, they would be destroyed. 

Think of the people who angered Jesus the most. It was almost always religious people. And they are continually put a stumbling block before those who would follow God. Why? Don't they have anything better to do? So not only will they not follow God, but they will prevent others from doing so, as well. So many churches should be full of the maimed, the halt, and the blind, but they are full of perfect people. Why would I want to go to a church that's full of perfect people? I don't belong there. I want to go where the broken people go to get fixed. A church should be like a hospital for the spiritually ill. And where are the signs that are supposed to follow those that believe? In most churches, they don't exist. You can't go to just any old church and get healed or have demons thrown out. People don't even want to hear speaking in tongues in most churches. My, my. I could go on, but that's not where I'm going with this.

Trust me, I want to go to church. I've struggled with this for years. But I know I'll just get bogged down in the social aspect of it. I should go. I really should. For some reason, I can't force myself to go. 

Back to the concept of brokenness. There was the woman with the alabaster box who anointed Jesus for His burial. His disciples didn't understand what they were seeing and thought the perfume could have been sold for a great price instead of "wasted." No doubt Judas was vocal about that, as he held the moneybag. In any case, Jesus never would have been anointed for His burial had not the alabaster box been broken. And there is no way to fix an alabaster box, by the way. Once it is broken, that's it. Brokenness came first. Now that woman's story is told wherever the gospel is told. 

Again, we see the same concept with the little boy and his loaves of bread and fishes. The disciples were told to feed a great crowd. They counted, what, 5,000 men? So there were probably at least that many children. And probably the same number of women. So the crowd was probably more than 15,000, actually. They just counted the men. Anyway, they had nothing to feed them with, and this little boy must have heard them talking and came and gave his lunch to feed the multitude. This should have made the disciples laugh. This was a lunch for a little boy, so we're talking a couple biscuits and maybe some sardines. Nothing to feed thousands of people. But notice what Jesus did. Both of these things are necessary. He gave thanks and then broke the loaves and fishes. Let me say that again. He broke what was brought to Him. Then He could use it to feed the multitude. Before God can use us, sometimes He has to break us. 

I get down on myself because all I have to bring God is a broken man. What on earth can He do with me? Nothing, I tell myself. But step one is already complete. I am broken. He can do more with a broken man than any number of perfect church folk. It's a strange and ironic thing to be used by God. You can't be proud, first of all. He uses the base things to confound the wise. He uses the things that are nothing to bring to naught the things that are. His strength is made perfect in my weakness. Ugh. What there can I be proud of? Nothing. It's all about Him. 

I don't memorize scripture. I've tried. But I have sacked away a lot of it in my heart. I recognize patterns, and I like the stories. But I've only loosely memorized a few scriptures, and none of them are perfectly memorized. Does that make me a bad student of the Bible? Perhaps. I'm not pulpit-worthy. I have no style or charisma. But I do love God. And I don't see enough of that in pulpits. I don't see enough broken men preaching what God has done for them. I see a lot of fancily-dressed preachers and see-through pulpits (so everyone can see how fancily-dressed they are) in big churches with big crowds of people. Maybe the church can no longer say, "Silver and gold have I none," but they also can't say anymore, "Rise up and walk."

Before I fall off my soapbox, let's wrap this up. The very things I feel disqualify me to serve God are the things He uses. If God can use Moses, a murderer, or "thou worm Jacob," He can most certainly use me. Brokenness is one of those things God uses. If it moves us toward Him. What a wonderful thought. 

Thank you for sharing this time with me. God bless.