400

Another milestone for this blog! I've reached 400 posts in a little over two years. That equals a post every 2-3 days. That's a lot of writing, which equals a lot of therapy. Thank you for following along!

I'm tired of talking about myself. I'm tired in general. Perhaps the bulk of the work is done. Through this reflective writing therapy, considerable insight was gained. Putting my thoughts and feelings here was valuable. 

When this blog began, I had no idea where it would take me. I wrote because I didn't have anyone with whom to share my thoughts and feelings. I needed an outlet at a very ugly time in my life. My divorce was the catalyst for this blog, though many things have been discussed since then. I've gone through just about every emotion and have somehow survived, though I am changed. I am a decidedly different human being than when I entered the portal of pain called divorce. As for the dissolution of my marriage, perhaps the best way to sum it up is Amos 3:3 (Can two walk together, except they be agreed?). I know the answer to that question now. 

Things I was worried about when I started this blog such as the wellbeing and financial situation of my ex are now long resolved. She has no trouble getting along (even making more money than me; in fact, her last check was more than double mine). She's better off without me. Fancy that. God took care of her, just as He did all the details I prayed about. In fact, all those I prayed for are doing just fine. That is heartening.

Some surprising things that happened during this blog's tenure include the following: feelings I have for a woman named Cynthia continued and increased in spite of her not being a part of my life (three years now), my journey of faith has grown exponentially, and awareness of childhood abuse has given much understanding. 

Two-plus years after starting this blog, my life is not what I thought it would be. I thought it possible to be in a serious relationship by now. God had other plans, as I had much work to do internally and spiritually. And, as much as I wanted to move away from this place and wondered why God hadn't given me the green light, I see now why it was wise to stay. I'm glad I was humble and accepted His direction. It wasn't just my personal problems holding me back. Little did I know the whole world would come to a screeching halt. I would likely be unemployed right now had I adhered to my timeline. Letting God control my decisions has been liberating. 

Since this blog dwells on the past quite a bit, I should share the thought that had I chosen a different path in life, I definitely would have come to a crisis in the same vein as my divorce. I put a lot of blame on my ex, but the reality is I am deserving of the blame. My childhood trauma sabotaged all aspects of my life, including my relationships. If I had married another girl, for instance, I still would have endured the repercussions of my childhood abuse. I get down on myself because I made bad decisions and tell myself that's why my life sucked, but I realize now it would have sucked no matter what. My insides were terrorized by what was put in me at a young age, and that trauma worked its way to the outside. I simply lived what I felt inside. Until God straightened me out, I was destined to crash and burn. For that reason, I am glad I wasn't the man Cynthia ended up with because she was spared the pain of watching me fall apart. Instead of dealing with my crap, she had a very good life. It is important to see the good in everything. What was a loss for me was a gain for her.

Recently, I said some words to God before bed. I laid there, very tired and weary, but not just because I was sleepy. I had nothing more to give. The next morning, I read a verse that spoke to that condition. God is the strength of my heart, it said. (I likely have a condition called bradycardia, which is basically a weak heart.) Going forward, whatever I do, I will be sure He is in it. I don't have energy to waste on anything He will not bless. That is a valuable lesson learned perhaps too late in life but learned nonetheless.

January 3, I began two university classes (both 300 level) to take up some spare time. I figured it was better to do something (besides buying crap on eBay) than nothing. Little did I know one of those classes would be one of the hardest I've ever taken. My stress level increased because I didn't have enough time to adequately do the assignments. I bit off more than I could chew. But the experience increased my faith. It was another thing I got down on my knees about and asked God for help. God showed me anything is possible through Him. I can't take credit for anything except my willingness to learn, grow, and change, but I'm sure even that is a gift. In any case, I feel a celebration is in order now that classes are over. Maybe I'll go on a mini-trip. But I will not be sitting in front of a computer at night for a while.

True, after getting my two-year degree, I promised my son I wouldn't take more classes, but my promise was that I wouldn't do so to the detriment of my time with him, so I believe my promise is still intact. I won't take classes full time for that reason. I know I'm terrible at relationships. Not trying isn't the answer; I can't fix anything sitting on the sidelines. Divorce has mangled me in some pretty ugly ways. I felt I let everyone down. But those people (minus my son) consistently let me down. Do I owe them anything? Probably not. Do I owe my son better than what I am? Yes. So I'll keep trying. 

Much of what I've been dealing with is the aftermath of my divorce. It is one of the most hurtful and unexpected things I've ever had to deal with, and I'm speaking as a person who comes from an abusive background. But how can I expect people who saw me grow up yet don't even know the color of my eyes to care about me now? How can I expect people who stood idly by or participated in my abuse to care now? How can I expect those who told me my entire life I was wrong to suddenly give me credit now? I hope everyone reading this now understands why I struggle with simple relationships, why I am a terrible father, why I was a terrible husband, why I have no prospects for the future, and why I want to simply disappear. Dealing with my divorce's aftermath with no support has consumed too much of my energy. I have to walk away from all that.

This place has witnessed much of my pain — pain that was presaged by a very troubled childhood. I came to the conclusion my childhood abuse is to blame for not only my divorce but for many bad decisions. How can any of that be rectified? That's why my life is over. Yes, I will go on living, but it will not be the same life I lived (Ecclesiastes 7:8). This allows me to do the following: end the pain and ramifications of abuse, live my life with dignity, and still follow my God.

Going forward, I know how to proceed, and that is with God leading. A Christian's life becomes very simple when we realize we're being led instead of leading. We have a Good Shepherd for a reason. 

The best thing I can do — today and every day — is what God tells me to do. Then, I don't have to answer for my actions. God answers for me. Childhood abuse programmed me to think and act a certain way — which often leads me in the wrong direction. Doing what God tells me to do is the only safe way to proceed. I keep getting the feeling in my spirit my life is over. That sounds ominous, but it isn't. My life as I knew it is over. Trust me, that's a blessing. What comes after this will not be a continuation of that but, rather, something new (Isaiah 43:19). That sounds a bit better, right? It's also scary. But God will lead me. Please pray I am faithful to follow.

For those who invested time in reading my thoughts and feelings, thank you. I don't know who you are or even if you exist, but I hope my tragic/comic tale is worth reading. I don't know how long I will write here, but it's nice knowing I have a place to share things. As I've said many times, thank you for reading, and God bless.