Tired

I'm tired. Yes, I've written an awful lot lately, so I'm tired of writing. I'll finish out my photo memories series and then probably take a break. 

But my tiredness is something else, too. I've fought most of my life against what is now happening in my country and around the world. I am a warrior, but I don't wrestle with flesh and blood. It is a purely spiritual battle, though we see the effects of that battle in the physical realm. Right now, God's people are not winning the battle. Yes, some days offer good news. Most days, however, are a draining parade of bad news. 

This battle will probably kill me eventually. I've begged God to give me strength and a reason to continue. That reason appears to be my son. I want to see him grow up and have children of his own. I want to grow old and die a natural death. I want the same for him. That's my prayer. 

When a man becomes involved in spiritual warfare, the enemy never forgets. Though that man may walk away, he is not forgiven and is forever marked. Until the day he dies, the enemy puts special pressure on attacking him because he can be reactivated at any time.  We are seeing Christians who used to attack the enemy in the heavenlies reactivated right now. I've heard many say they have prayed for their families, their community, their country like never before. 

Much of my suffering in life is my own fault, that's true. But much of it came from my stance in the spiritual. I have asked God many times to give me various spiritual gifts such as healing, but it seems the gift He gave me is tenacity. This post is a little different because I'm actually revealing something about myself that isn't about my childhood or its ramifications or how much I love a girl, which are all Psychology 101. Those things are true but readily apparent. What I'm revealing here is a quick look at why, truly, I have suffered so much in life. I believe those who are destined to be in spiritual warfare are marked when they enter this world, and the enemy does what he can to attack them preemptively, filling them with awfulness to perhaps head off what they might become. Well, that awfulness is often what propels us toward God, so, in effect, the devil fulfills God's will. 

I wish my life had been simple and easy: a chocolate shake and late-night TV, Saturdays with the kids at the ballpark, Sunday dinners with the family, fishing, office cocktail parties, photos of smiling kids and proud parents beaming. Unfortunately, that was not to be. I can cry about that all I want, but it doesn't change anything. It just makes me look like a sourpuss and not at all grateful for the life God gave me. I regret my mistakes, but that's all. The brokenness supplied by the life I've lived can be used by God. Heck, it might even be a prerequisite.

I don't know what will happen in my country. I've prayed and asked God if I should be preparing somehow. All He tells me is to wait and keep praying. What I do know is this: my God is much bigger than any of us could ever imagine. That thought fills me with peace. My constant praying says I trust Him but also hints that I think He doesn't know what's going on. But He is intimately aware of everything happening on this planet, right down to the hairs on my head and the number of tears I've cried in my short time here. If He sees a sparrow fall and makes note, then how much more does He care about the things that weigh heavily on my heart? 

What is happening in my country — and around the world — is traumatic and abusive to mankind in many ways. It's not right or natural people are stuck inside and cannot do that human thing we don't even think about — enjoy other people. We are divided, mistrusting, and scared right now. I'm sorry, but that is not how life should be lived. We never stopped the world before because people were dying, not even during the world wars. And that's if I choose to believe the mainstream media narrative. My point is, life is woefully short for all of us. Live your life. Don't stop others from living theirs. Enjoy each other. God is much bigger than a virus or the government or international cabal or the devil himself. He'll protect you from all of that. Just ask Him. He's waiting to hear from you. He's probably tired of hearing from me and would like to listen to someone else for once. 

Yes, I'm tired. I don't think my writing about childhood experiences is very meaningful right now, though I have come to some important realizations. It has helped me achieve a level of closure. For my audience, I apologize because I'm afraid it is incredibly boring and unproductive. I will finish and hopefully find something else to write about. Or maybe we'll wrap this blog up, as it has long since fulfilled its purpose. I will never stop thanking those who stop by and read what this middle-aged man in South Dakota has to say. 

Every night I wake and pray in the middle of the night. I pray multiple times during the day in what seems like a never-ending stream. I'm not drawing attention to myself for anyone's praise. I'm revealing just how scared and clueless I am. I'm looking for help and direction. Praying as much as I do doesn't make me a saint; it means I'm absolutely helpless. But this morning as I went about my chores, it struck me how big my God is and how there is absolutely nothing to fear. I don't know if this blog helps anyone but me. It is my emotional memory. Some of my worst moments are recorded here. I don't write all the times I feel wonderful or just okay. And I rarely go in-depth. That is stuff I save for my conversations with God. Yes, this blog is a part of me, but just a small part. 

And now it occurs to me my readers are probably tired of reading about how tired I am, so I will wrap up. I know most of you were probably hanging around to see me get the girl. Trust me, I wanted that, too, and still do. 

Thank you for reading, and God bless. For those who are fighting the good fight, keep fighting. It will be worth it all someday.