my careless contagion

Nine years it's been. It was today nine years ago you came into my life, small but all there, as the NICU doctor noted. You came early for yourself but late in my life. Someday you'll be stronger and bigger than me. I am grateful God gave me you and all the time we've had together, though it seems improbable that half of it is already gone. I pray you grow strong and brave and faithful to the Lord and go far but always stay in touch. I tried to teach you everything you'll need to know, but only God knows the life you'll live, so I always directed you to Him. He will always be there, even when I am gone. You are the best thing God brought into my life, an unexpected blessing and always loved appreciated. Thank you for being my son.  — Your dad.  Thank you for reading. And God bless. Christian blog:  a-better-hope.blogspot.com And my other blog, None Dare Call It Treason.

You could call this a New Year's post: a bit of a look back and also standing on the edge of a new year, hoping for the best.  Let's start from right here, right now. I can't adequately explain what I'm going through because I lack perspective. Anytime we go through something that feels like change we momentarily lose perspective. That's why I felt the need to temporarily isolate myself from influences such as social media and greatly diminished my computer use. (No, it hasn't affected my ability to send my mom memes.) What I can say is something in me broke, leaving my attitude toward God and others changed. I have a strangely calm feeling similar to dissociation but without the disconnectedness. I feel tremendous peace. God showed me why I often attempt to do such hard things against all odds. Hard to explain. Best to save the explanation for later. What I know is it feels important and am committed to doing my part so God can finish the work He started. Doing...

The phrase "on a Tuesday," to me, denotes something happening on an ordinary day. Does anything extraordinary happen on a Tuesday? Tuesdays used to be the worst at my old job. If anything bad was going to happen, it would be on a Tuesday. But something wonderful and unexpected happened the first Tuesday in August.  Tuesday was the day Cindy drove by while I was working in her neighborhood and stopped to say hello. I saw her smile and was already in a daze. The whole conversation lasted less than two minutes, but I walked away feeling like a different man. I no longer cared that I was swamped by work, was running out of energy, and was hot and thirsty.  I sent her a text that simply said, "I miss you" the day before. She said she missed me too and thought of me often. She said she couldn't move forward with me at the moment (I know, it was the one downer of the conversation) and I didn't have to wait. How much time did I have to rebut that? When the girl of y...

The song says I know there will be brighter days. It's a good sentiment for those who aren't experiencing those brighter days at the moment. The reason I post this is I drive around all day in my truck ( this song seems to get played a lot, too, and I certainly drive circles around this town ), and sometimes it gets a little lonely. I do my job. Sometimes I have to call people. Knock on doors. Get chased by dogs. But, mostly, I'm by myself. I pray. Pray in tongues. Talk to God. I still feel lonely. So, I turn on the radio and drive around, which is something I used to do when I was younger. It was better than being in the house. This song is on quite a bit. I think a lot of people are experiencing a downturn right now, so this song hits the mark.  What does it have to do with me, though? In Matthew there is a verse that says blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. This is a biblical precept, especially when we ask God into our lives. It is a promise. I clai...

The last time I attended church (last summer, I think), we sang some old songs I once knew by heart. And my heart still knew them, though maybe not all the words. I cried when we sang a particular old favorite. I miss going to church. I miss the songs. I miss the way it used to be. Because He Lives is one of those songs that still resonates. There is an absolute fire in me for God that is untarnished and undulled by time. I chose a piano version of this song because it's pure. It's a little slower than I would like (it should sound like a victory march); you know how so many hymns sound like a funeral dirge (Amazing Grace, I'm looking at you) because of the tempo. Also, I didn't want someone to put some shiny vocals on there. It seems like every time someone slaps some vocals on a hymn they think the vocals should shine instead of God. Just sing the song. It's about God. People will get it. It's not about you. Anyway. Got that outburst out of the way. Onward. Ne...

I'm thankful for so much. I'll never be able to capture it all in this space. I dwell too often on what I don't have. Yes, I still ache for some things; I submitted my desires to God. Today I'd like to dwell on what I do have. There are no words adequate enough to describe God's many gifts. I am blessed beyond what I can articulate. Since Thanksgiving is coming up, I thought I'd at least try to articulate some of my blessings.  I was exceedingly blessed by the love shown to me by people I've known in my 44 years. I wish I had been more aware of the decisions I was making as a kid (or as an adult), but I learned to forgive myself. That's a huge blessing in and of itself: forgiveness. The forgiveness God showed me I am able to show others, including myself. Thank God for forgiveness. It is truly a get-out-of-jail-free card. I was loved greatly. And I was greatly forgiven.  I'm thankful for God's direction. I was able to essentially start over in li...

It's never too late to learn in God's schoolhouse. That's a good thing. What I'm learning now is hard stuff, but I never learned it along the way. If you fail to pass a test with God, He gives you chances to try again. I'm learning to trust. I'm learning to wait. That is where I am now. One of the important things about waiting is it creates assurance of a specific direction. Are you sure? No? Maybe you haven't waited long enough. God needs to know you'll follow through.  It is hard for me to do these things because of my background. I have a hard time trusting anyone, including myself. And God. Waiting goes against human nature and the flesh. But patience is a fruit of the spirit and is worth it. So, if anyone cares to pray for me, please do. I'm going through a hard time. I just have to be faithful. That's it. Please pray I do that. These things may be hard, but they are always worth it. I absolutely believe God has some really amazing blessing...

What's this, I made another trip to Nebraska? Yes. It was supposed to be a short trip (I didn't even take photos), just me seeing someone about a job and trying to find a place to live. I later changed my mind and invited my ex to come down also if she could make appointments for whatever. She did, and it was a good idea. Oh, and I got to see Cindy.  I don't know how much I can write in the coming days. Things are moving quickly. I have several possibilities for jobs, even invitations to "come try it out and see if you like it." My ex had a couple of interviews for three positions. I am consistently impressed by the people in Nebraska. They are not all kind and genuine, I know, but many are. Whereas in South Dakota if I had a good interaction with a person, I would consider it rare and it would make my day, in Nebraska, it seems such interactions are common.  Oh, and Kate and I put in an application for a place to live: a nice, newly-renovated home on wheels. What...

What if? Those are two of the most powerful words in the English language when put together. I held onto the above photo in case my "what if" came true. What if she did come back? She never did, of course, as this blog bears witness. But it got me thinking about the power of wishful thinking and what all of that means.  Wishing and hoping take place in the imagination, which is an often misunderstood and neglected part of brain. It's a beautiful place and sometimes a horrible place. It's whatever we want. We control it. Our will directs what we wish and hope for. It doesn't have to bear any resemblance to reality. And it has a power we do not fully understand. I believe everything human beings do begins right there in our imagination. Without it, we aren't human. We're robots or cattle or something. But even cattle probably imagine eating grass before they do it. Hey, how about some grass? What if I eat it? It would taste good. Let's do that. Let's...

I wrote an awful lot here. I wrote about love and loss and my dark desire for fruitcake. I loved. I lost. I ate fruitcake. That kinda sums it up, huh? Yeah, but I still have some hopes.  My hope for the girl I loved so hard is she simply follows the Lord's leading, and I know she will. She is a very special person. God is moving through her. I've seen this in many people's lives, including my own, but there is a second life that begins at age 40. I see it happen most with people who are of faith. There is a bondage and a wandering of sorts sometimes in the first 4o years, and then God brings them into the promised land. I've seen it many times. You can call me crazy if you want. Maybe it has applies here; maybe it doesn't. But I know she will follow her Lord to the end. And He has something very special planned for her. And I have many hopes. I believe God has someone for her, though she may not know who it is yet. Maybe he's already in her life. But he's th...

I like these kids. Justin and Claire (formerly Spivey) Duggar . I like kinda following what they're doing, and what they did recently was get married. If you don't know who the Duggars are, you are forgiven. They aren't Hollywood famous. For me, they seem the antithesis of a lot of the crap out there. They're young. They're adorable. They have their whole lives ahead of them. (What I wouldn't give to go back and do it again.) They typically hew to traditional, Christian standards of living. They are Baptist, though a different brand of Baptist from me. They're famous because there are so many of them (19 Kids and Counting was the show). They are TV famous. All that. But I don't care about that. I just like the fact that these two kids are gonna give it a try. In this very cynical world that is endlessly divided and increasingly turned against tradition and Christianity, they are going against the grain. Got married. Probably love God and all that. How pu...

I know it's weird I'm already posting again, but I wrote the last post a while ago, so now it's not weird, right? Yeah, probably still weird. But I write when I get the urge, and last night, I got the urge, thus, I wrote. Haha. I hate using the word thus. Or thusly. How about the word firstly? Talk about a dog of a word. Haha. Hey, it's my blog. I do what I want. Onward.    Youth Brigade was founded in 1980, and they still tour, and even someone as bad at math as me knows that is a long time for a band, especially a hardcore band, to be around. It may help that three brothers founded it. They also founded Better Youth Organization, and they were always a positive voice for the next generation. I don't recall if they were straight edge, but I always thought of them that way. Loads of respect.    Last Day of the Year was always my December 31 anthem, going back maybe 20 years. When I lived in a college town the lyrics were appropriate because I could see "people ...