Because He Lives
The last time I attended church (last summer, I think), we sang some old songs I once knew by heart. And my heart still knew them, though maybe not all the words. I cried when we sang a particular old favorite. I miss going to church. I miss the songs. I miss the way it used to be. Because He Lives is one of those songs that still resonates. There is an absolute fire in me for God that is untarnished and undulled by time.
I chose a piano version of this song because it's pure. It's a little slower than I would like (it should sound like a victory march); you know how so many hymns sound like a funeral dirge (Amazing Grace, I'm looking at you) because of the tempo. Also, I didn't want someone to put some shiny vocals on there. It seems like every time someone slaps some vocals on a hymn they think the vocals should shine instead of God. Just sing the song. It's about God. People will get it. It's not about you. Anyway. Got that outburst out of the way. Onward. Never mind me.
The reason I post this song is I really don't know tomorrow, now more than ever. But, because God is on the throne, I have a reason to keep living. Only God knows how infinitely scared I was to take this great step once again. Living on my own has not always been a good thing for me. Indeed, even the Bible says it is not good for a man to be alone. Hopefully, it won't be this way forever. I don't enjoy living alone, though I do need space and room to breathe. Somehow I have to figure out how to reorder my life once again. I was wholly unprepared for this step, but I have peace because it was taken prayerfully.
I'm not an overly intimate person. My past relationships weren't conducted that way. I shy away from intimacy because of my childhood, most likely. I'm not looking for intimacy at the moment. (And I'm terrified of the notion of sexual intimacy for some reason.) Some sort of companionship or friendship would be nice, though. Someone to talk to. I guess that was the function of this blog for the last four years. Maybe I’m selling myself short in regards to intimacy. I know it's possible, but it's hard to see right now. I know who I want to be intimate with if given the chance. Yeah, we all know, Joshua. But let’s keep going.
Since I started this blog, God became my reason for living. Maybe He was all along. Something kept me going all those bleak years. Each day when I wake up, I wonder what my purpose is. Why am I doing this again? I don't always know, but I trust He knows. When I gave my life to God when I was 15, it wasn't something I could renege on. I am His. I feel His presence when I am in great fear, as I am now. I feel this is the path He opened, though I don't know why. If I knew, maybe I wouldn't have come this way. All I know is life is worth living because He walks beside me.
Clearly, I still have some fears. I know. We all know. God knows. Sometimes we have to face those fears with Someone bigger than us to know what those fears are made of. When we are alone, we feel them so strongly. When He is with us, all fear is gone. Now do you see why I can't stand being apart from Him, why I can't do those things that put distance between us? How could I sever my one and only lifeline?
Though this song makes me cry, these tears are not tears of sadness. They are grateful tears of understanding. I didn't receive a reason for living through myself. It was due to His great sacrifice. I hope to take that same path so those as hopeless I was can have a reason for living too. Wouldn't that be nice? To point the way to the Father through my walk with the Son?
This may seem like a sad post, but I am hopeful. I write from my heart. What comes out on these pages is what my heart is full of. I have a hard time expressing these things verbally because of how many times I was told to shut up as a child, so writing with my fingers bypasses that filter and then we see what lives at the center of me. And, folks, it's not a whole lot of me. It's Him. It's good to know I don't have all the answers. Increasingly, I have none. But I'll be okay. Because He lives.
***
I am blessed. Infinitely blessed. I went to a gala with the girl I am in love with. (Don’t ask me how the food was because I still can’t taste very well since I was sick. I’m sure it was good.) Contrasting my fear of being alone with the challenges others face in life made me feel ashamed. And it turned my attitude around. I went even though I had been moving things all day and was dead tired. (It was an emotionally and physically draining week.) My energy was literally gone, but I wanted to see her. She lifted my spirits as soon as I saw her. And I can’t ever say enough good things about Cindy. For someone roughly the same height as me, I sure look up to her a lot. I don’t say that only because I love her. I would say it if I had no feelings for her at all. But it doesn’t hurt that I love her. She is something special. Maybe someday I’ll stop saying these things, but probably not. I’ll still talk about her in heaven. You think death is gonna shut me up? She reflects God’s love. That’s worth talking about.
Yes, I want to be the one to love and protect her. I know I can do those two things. And, if I may, can I talk further about her? She was the prettiest girl in the room last night. I knew without even looking at anyone else. She was and always will be — and in every way. If people only knew what kind of heart lives in her chest. Well, I know. Maybe I'll keep it a secret so as to have her all to myself.
Anyway, enjoy some photos of us. (The sign said, “She is beautiful,” but she didn’t know until afterward.) It would be easy for me to get carried away and spazz out about this, but I just thanked God for letting me see her. Just one of His many blessings. I hope there are many more just like that. Amen.
Thank you for reading. And God bless.
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