Second Nebraska trip (July 30 & 31)
What's this, I made another trip to Nebraska? Yes. It was supposed to be a short trip (I didn't even take photos), just me seeing someone about a job and trying to find a place to live. I later changed my mind and invited my ex to come down also if she could make appointments for whatever. She did, and it was a good idea. Oh, and I got to see Cindy.
I don't know how much I can write in the coming days. Things are moving quickly. I have several possibilities for jobs, even invitations to "come try it out and see if you like it." My ex had a couple of interviews for three positions. I am consistently impressed by the people in Nebraska. They are not all kind and genuine, I know, but many are. Whereas in South Dakota if I had a good interaction with a person, I would consider it rare and it would make my day, in Nebraska, it seems such interactions are common.
Oh, and Kate and I put in an application for a place to live: a nice, newly-renovated home on wheels. What's this, you say, Kate and you? Yes. Let me explain. It's a bit of two steps forward and one step backward. We are not together, let me say right off the bat. Originally, when I planned to go to Florida next summer, I said we should do it as a unit so the chances of success are higher and the chances of move-related trauma are lower, especially for our son. I changed my mind and decided to move to Nebraska instead, but my promise stood. So, we are doing it together as long as it takes to make sure everyone is okay and settled in properly. My son's attitude so far tells me it won't be too long, but I know many challenges lay ahead. After we are all okay and have a working routine and jobs and Isaiah is used to his new life, then we can go our separate ways. That is the plan, God willing. I don't see any reason why it won't succeed. There is more I could say about this, but for simplicity's sake, I will leave it at that.
There is one thing that was impressed upon me during this trip. God was consistently leading the way and blessing our way forward. I had a thought when I prayed about finding a place to live, and God was the only one in the universe who could have known my thought. That thing I had in mind when I asked for a sign or confirmation of some sort that it was the right place to live was exactly what happened. I later cried when I remembered my prayer. So, I feel God is answering my prayers and blessing this way forward. I consistently asked God to open the doors He wants open and close the doors He wants closed. Far be it from me to understand why some doors remain closed and others are wide open. I just have to trust and obey.
For a while, I wondered what was going on because it seemed nothing was happening, even though I felt God told me to move in this direction. I prayed about it and felt God said my attitude was blocking progress. I was very unforgiving and angry. He said I should be grateful and thankful in all situations, not just the ones I like. Do you mean I should be thankful for my disappointments, God? Yes. And so I started thanking God for the disappointments and letdowns, too. Who knows what purpose they fulfill? Who knows what heartache God is saving me from? Only He knows. Everything has a purpose in God's economy. Nothing is wasted. Soon after I repented of my bad attitude and sinful behavior, things started to change. Almost overnight, I was free to move forward.
I saw Cindy, and we had a long talk and walk one evening. I took up much of her time and later apologized. I'm still operating under the assumption I will never see her again. Recent conversations tell me she is open to having a friendship, though nothing beyond that, which is fine because of my living situation. I wouldn't ask any woman to have a relationship with me as long as I and my ex live in the same house. Though I don't feel anything is wrong with the situation because we are both invested in making sure our child adjusts well to the move, it also wouldn't look good and would be hard to explain to any woman. Hell, if I was a girl, I'd be like, "Sure, dude. And you're a liar." But, I'm not. I promise. When I presented the idea to Kate, I sent her a message with at least 30 points of consideration, which she agreed to. One of those was she had to agree we are not together. It's just for the greater good of us all and is just one step backward in order to go forward with a good chance of success. That's the plan. I know it doesn't look smart, but I believe God will bless it.
Back to Cindy. Our talk consisted of many things. We talked about her dad, her mom, and other family. I talked about my job search. One thing that stuck with me was how much we'd lost touch. I promised myself I would be a better friend. If I can be her friend, then I'm going to try to be a good friend. She mentioned some health woes I had no idea about, as well as a man who asked her to be in a relationship that would lead to marriage, and other things. I had no idea about any of it. About the man, I'm sure she's been propositioned a million times for sex and relationships in her life, especially the last four years or so. She is, after all, a wonderful woman, and I'm sure many men have taken note. I'm not the only one who would like to be with her. But, I had no idea she was in a relationship with a man where he felt comfortable enough to ask her to continue it until marriage (she said no). I was woefully out of touch. I had no idea about things that were going on in her life. That realization made me incredibly sad. I hope our friendship establishes and flourishes. That's something I can hope for and look forward to. (Though I honestly don't know how much time we could spend together, given the general busyness and schedule of our lives.) I would be happy with that. One last thought, though, is if she decides to move forward with a man, what would I do? Answering this question right now, my answer is probably disappear. I hope I continue to grow, however, and if something like that happens in the future, maybe my answer will be different. Friends don't disappear. But they also don't hang around when they are no longer needed. And, if God takes her out of my life, He must have a reason. I just have to be obedient, even though I may not understand. My takeaway from that conversation is I have a long way to go in many ways, but I am clearly not a good friend yet. That's okay. I had some things going on. The last four years were just lost. I pray God helps me recover that lost time.
She also referenced (I think) my last post, which had some nice things to say about her. She basically said I didn't know her well enough to say that, but I disagree. I know many things about her, both good and bad. I probably zeroed in on things she has no idea even exist, as I'm sure she has with me. Just as I cannot see things in myself because I'm on the inside looking out, so she cannot see things in herself that others see. Sometimes we need a mirror in other people to see what is going on. Good or bad, we can't see it all. I stand behind what I wrote.
The trip back to South Dakota, I took a different route than usual, even though it took longer. I visited a town I used to live in and felt a little strange there. I may have to visit again someday and hopefully figure out what I'm feeling about that place. I hate to say it, but my goal all along has been to end this blog when I got healthy. The fact that I'm still writing means I'm not there yet. Someday, hopefully, I won't write here anymore. Maybe this move is the beginning of some really good things. It certainly is another big adventure. What will come of it, only God knows, so I'm sticking close to Him. Through all of this, He has been consistently guiding me and assuaging my fears. Yes, I am scared. I'm very scared, in fact. And a bit sad. But His words are a constant calming and reassuring force. I would not do this without God's blessing, and I feel I have it. The last time I moved in a big way, I didn't feel I had that. So, making progress. Lots to pray about here if you feel like praying. If you do, thank you.
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