What if?

What if? Those are two of the most powerful words in the English language when put together. I held onto the above photo in case my "what if" came true. What if she did come back? She never did, of course, as this blog bears witness. But it got me thinking about the power of wishful thinking and what all of that means. 

Wishing and hoping take place in the imagination, which is an often misunderstood and neglected part of brain. It's a beautiful place and sometimes a horrible place. It's whatever we want. We control it. Our will directs what we wish and hope for. It doesn't have to bear any resemblance to reality. And it has a power we do not fully understand. I believe everything human beings do begins right there in our imagination. Without it, we aren't human. We're robots or cattle or something. But even cattle probably imagine eating grass before they do it. Hey, how about some grass? What if I eat it? It would taste good. Let's do that. Let's do that all day. Haha. 

I imagined us together, clearly. I wrote about that often. Eventually, my imaginings gave way to reality in all its coldness. I simply gave up. I know she didn't give up, but what she wants is something else, not me. If anything, she despises me, as I ran counter to her will for too long, chasing her to my own hurt. And, it's pretty clear I dreamed everything up on my end. She's a classy, graceful creature who deserved better than that. 

Some things I said on this blog may or may not be true. I could spend the rest of my life trying to understand all of that. But it doesn't matter. What, the truth doesn't matter? No, not in this case. When it's time to go and time to close doors, all that matters is one gets closure, not who did what or said what or what the final store was. I don't care. I'll let everyone else be right. I'll admit I was wrong until I die, just as long as I get closure. So, she hates me and it's time to walk away. I didn't get my big what if. I didn't get anything at all except a peek at something that wasn't for me. I know when I'm not wanted. I just lived in my imagination too long, and that's my fault. 

Where do I go from here? If I knew, do you think I'd be sitting here writing? I'd be doing that thing. Maybe the answer lies in my imagination. What I do know is I will never love again like the last time. And I wonder why I loved like that, too; the only answer I could ever come up with was she was just a special human being. I know she doesn't love me. But did she? I wonder about that too. Maybe she was just caught up in her imagination too. If she saw the real me — and she eventually did — she wouldn't love me. She wouldn't want anything to do with me. And she doesn't. So, eventually that house of cards came falling down. It had to. They always see who you really are eventually. And that's when the fantasy ends. It always works that way for me. It's time I face the facts. I'm just not what anyone is looking for. I'm too damn weird, outmoded, outgunned, and, honestly, I don't care anymore. I am what I am. Take it or leave it. And they always leave it. I hoped beyond all hope, but hope deferred makes the heart sick. Letting go of hope, did that make me feel any better? Or sicker still? I don't know. 

But, what if? What if I was wrong about myself? What if some girl is out there waiting to meet a man just like me? What if I'm exactly what she's looking for and changing myself would somehow void that? Wishful thinking, perhaps. Or maybe exactly what I need is another what if. If I imagined my way into this mess, maybe I can imagine my way out? What if the power to change everything lives in the same place between my ears? What if? Or what if I'm just deluding myself once again? There's only one way to find out. 

All I know is we often get what we work toward. Things don't come to us by accident. We have to make a way, and even then, it's not a guarantee. But it doesn't happen unless we take steps. God will bless what God will bless, sure. But we have to go and do and be about it. It can't just live in our mind. It has to enter our grasp somehow in order for it to become reality. And that's where I leave off today. Whatever my next step is, it has to be found in my imagination first. And, then, once I am in love with that thought, I'll bring it to bear somehow. I just know I won't love it as much as the thoughts I had of her. 

***

The girl I mention in this post messaged me after I presume she read it and said I was incorrect about something I wrote. I honestly don't know why she cares, but I told her I would keep that in mind in the future. And, as always, I wished her the best. It's safe to say, when the truth no longer matters to a man, he has reached a new level of desperation. And I think there is at least a little bit of truth in everything I said here. But, what is absolutely true is this: I didn't mean anyone any harm and am sorry for how I acted. I would put everything back the way it was if I could. But only God can do that. 

Thank you for reading, and God bless.

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