A love letter of a different kind
When all is said and done, these pages are a microcosm. So much love. So many questions. So many lines intersecting, reaching out, connecting, diverging, close but never leading anywhere. How many millions of love letters has mankind written? How many lines went unsaid, never acted upon? I wrote my lines. I'm content knowing I tried, loved, waited, did everything I was supposed to do. What they did with my love was never in my hands. I faithfully loved until doors closed forever. Love is beautiful, but it must be chosen, accepted, brought in from the rain. Mine was discarded like an ill-timed valentine, ink bleeding in the rain, tossed about by the wind, wet and matted in a gutter.
Here, loved turned to hate. Hate turned to tears. Tears turned to forgiveness. Forgiveness turned to prayer. Prayer ended in upturned hands to a knowing God and a brokenness that cannot be healed. All the things that were once in my hands are gone. I am left with questions that stretch to the horizon.
Waking into a new day at a new place with the clouds parting and rain ending, I thank God for what happened, what is, what will be, though I know nothing of His devices. I'm perplexed but content. None of it belongs to me. My life was given away. Had God not stayed me, I would have gladly died in that hollow place.
Whatever happens and with whom is out of my hands. The future is a door I haven't yet come to. I can't see beyond this peaceful place. And can we ever truly have the future? Plans rearrange. People change their minds. The wind blows, erasing the way forward. It's enough to know I don't know anything.
Today is rest. Tomorrow will be something. The next day something else. My hands let go forever of what might be, could be, will be. There is only now and what I've been given. On this Sunday morning, with my Bible and prayers on my lap, I mourn no longer. It was like my life ended but my heart kept beating, though it wanted to quit too. Given a new life, new beginning, new heart, new start. It's a gift I gave back, not because I wasn't grateful but because this time I claim no ownership. It's precious, so I place it back in His scarred hands. Whatever this is, I accept but reinvest in You.
Perhaps God will give me a new love, hands that hold mine when it's hard, when it's easy, just because. I let Him choose not because I want to be passive but because He knows best. If there's a way forward, He leads. If there isn't, He closes doors. I don't pretend to know. Beyond humble now, I stay close like a sheep that wandered one too many times.
If there was anything good about the pain I felt, the loss, the betrayal, the numberless nights I cried myself to sleep, the nightmares, the aching, and the progression that led me here, it's this. I unexpectedly saw a different side of God. What I saw as wasted years, wasted feelings, wasted plans, wasted energy was spilled at His feet. I can't do anything about it. When God tells you to wait, you wait. My time belongs to Him. The last thing I wanted in this world was stripped away forever, rudely wrenched from my hands and smashed before my eyes. God doesn't care about time. God cares about timing. Time has to pass, but the right timing has no replacement.
This golden morning, this dewy thing. I turn it over in my hands and place it back in Yours. This prayer, this moment, this day, this promise. Everything I have is yours. Sometimes you remove what's bad. Sometimes you remove what's good. From now on, I pay no mind. It's all Yours, never mine, never again.
If I am ever given something, someone, anything again, I surrender it gently to Your care. I don't walk away unless You say walk away. If you entrust anything to my care, I look to You. I won't abuse it, consume it, use it, waste it. Anything You place in my path is precious. In all ways, I surrender.
Dear reader, maybe you stumbled upon this hoping to find a romantic love letter. It's not that exactly, but it is a love letter. A love letter of a different kind. Knowing everything you ever had, have now, or will ever have can be taken away is a knowledge I don't wish on anyone. But if you find yourself in that position, know that if you have Jesus, you have something no one can take away. That kind of joy is something no one can kill. Hang onto it.
Thank you for reading. And God bless.
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