Looking back and looking forward
You could call this a New Year's post: a bit of a look back and also standing on the edge of a new year, hoping for the best.
Let's start from right here, right now. I can't adequately explain what I'm going through because I lack perspective. Anytime we go through something that feels like change we momentarily lose perspective. That's why I felt the need to temporarily isolate myself from influences such as social media and greatly diminished my computer use. (No, it hasn't affected my ability to send my mom memes.) What I can say is something in me broke, leaving my attitude toward God and others changed. I have a strangely calm feeling similar to dissociation but without the disconnectedness. I feel tremendous peace. God showed me why I often attempt to do such hard things against all odds. Hard to explain. Best to save the explanation for later. What I know is it feels important and am committed to doing my part so God can finish the work He started. Doing my part seems to entail getting out of the way. Also, I felt God gave me Psalm 83:3 for what I'm enduring. The part that stood out was the hidden ones. For some reason, God has hidden me for a moment. The reason is not clear.
Last year, I spent much time alone. More than I wanted. But, that time was something God used to draw me closer and fall deeper in love with Him. I don't have a clue why I'm going through what I'm going through, but, looking back, I see tremendous growth happened in 2022. My life changed so much, it's hard to look back and try to reconcile it with my life now. I'm grateful God chose this path for me. Sometimes it is scary, but God is in charge. He bears responsibility for the decisions He makes for me. I am amazed at what God accomplished last year. I never thought I'd get this far. He's honoring my prayers to move forward with Him.
After spending so much time alone, I reflected on my life and realized (yes, that's an actual photo of me contemplating life) the one thing that likely would have made the biggest difference in my happiness and enjoyment of life was missing. Love and support from family. One good woman to support me, love me, and take care of my heart. (Yes, the Bible says man loves the woman as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for it. That is the initiative, and then a woman's role is to respond to that love. Women multiply what you give them. A man gives her a house and she makes a home, his seed and she makes a family, etc.) That's where it would have started. It would have turned my life around had that one thing fallen into place. The Bible says it's not good for a man to be alone. I guess it's not too late, but so many lonely and sad years changed me in ways that weren't good. I thought this while driving around Christmas night with my son, looking at the lights. I turned to him and said I loved him and enjoyed our time together. I can't do anything about my past, but I can do a lot for his now.
I will say this. The handful of times I spent time with the girl I love in 2022 were the highlights of my year. I simply adore her. I've never met such a lovely woman who was so completely blind to that fact. It's amazing. The great thing for her is all she has to do is be herself and come my way a little. A little goes a long way with me. I feel she wants to move forward with me but is concerned about the timing. I told her I would wait. (I also hope to see her at least occasionally, as I am ridiculously in love with her. I said she could visit me anytime.) She's the only woman I wanted for years. I don't suspect that will change. I have 100 percent confidence, if I was ever so blessed to see it happen, we would be successful moving forward. Zero doubt. I learned to respect her pace. Trust, especially after what she's been through, grows slowly. I don't want to rush her and jeopardize whatever it is that's blossoming between us.
I'm grateful for my job. It's one of those jobs that pays you for 40 hours regardless of how much you actually work. They pay overtime, of course. It's quite a laid-back company. Been there over a year. When I pursued the job (I was already hired by a competitor at that point, but I put off my start date), I wanted to be a part of the company and didn't have much of a clue of what I'd be doing. Considering I look more like a female PE teacher than a guy who works for a telecom during the construction phase, I've done okay (I look a bit beefier in my insulated overalls, though). My boss tells me some of the people he supervises are having a hard time financially. I'm thankful because it's the most I've ever made. Not a whole lot more than my last job, but it's enough to take care of me and my son and put money in savings. The best thing about the job is the time it provides with my son. It may not always be like that, but it is now, and I'm grateful. I've been able to see him do things on weekends like basketball camp (above) and have a normal life most evenings (though I am on call). The job was an answer to prayer. If God wants me to do something else, I'd gladly jump ship (always looking). My boss (a different one than the one who hired me) said he has no worries about Kearney with me here. He's more confident in me than I am in myself. I may not have confidence in myself, but I have confidence in God. I told myself I would re-evaluate the job after one year and make a decision about my future with the company. There are a few things I don't like, which is the occasional downtime (I go stir crazy) and being on call (have been since February of last year). The low point of my year was probably when the cops were called on me, which you can watch a recreation of here.
Recently, the Lord brought to my attention how I hadn't forgiven the fact that I began working at such a young age. I was about 3 years old. That fact probably sums up a lot about my life. It's easy to see how my personality changed because my life became about work instead of having a childhood or enjoying time with my family, etc. Letting go of that hidden anger and bitterness was necessary. It was a tremendous weight off.
I didn't take much time off this year, as it felt weird to do so before I was employed a full year. I do want to take my son to the zoo in Omaha, so will stay overnight and do that this week. I have more than four weeks of vacation accrued and next year earned time off goes up to five and a half weeks. At my age, that's a nice perk. I'd like to get a different car this year, but that's up to the Lord. There is nothing wrong with what I have. It's a 2014 RAV4 but has less than 67,000 miles. It has a bulletproof Camry powertrain plus AWD. The suspension is a little high-strung and it feels cramped at times, but I can live with it. I barely drive it because I have a company truck. Actually, it would be nice to get a new truck. The company put in more than $10,000 on it in less than a year. When I first saw it I knew it would be a money pit. Speaking of suspensions, the suspension on that truck is the worst. The shocks and struts disintegrated, I think. During my daily trips to North Platte for training, I noticed it under-reports miles (about 5 miles every 100), so it actually has more than the reported 174,000. Also noticed the speedometer under-reports the speed. If it says I'm going 80, I'm actually going 90 mph. Luckily, I never got pulled over. I wondered why everyone was driving so slowly.
I wrote somewhere about my grandmother possibly entering hospice, but she's not ready for that yet. An answer to prayer. She's almost 106 and was born during WWI (1917). My ex's mother I request prayers for, as she is in a nursing home and is sliding into eternity without the Lord. I pray for special emergency angels to prevent her from making that journey without being saved. Pray God speaks to her heart. It's never too late until it is. My dad has three surgeries scheduled: one for skin cancer removal (actually had this one already) one for a growth in his eye (had this one too, and it was cancerous), and they are taking a bone out of his toe. If you feel like praying for any of them, I thank you very much.
Last year saw me age quite a bit. Most men won't admit such a thing, but I'm not terribly vain. I can see it, though. My hair got thinner and grayer, some of my joints got irritated, my stomach seems eternally mad at me, sleep issues continue to plague me, I cough and hack a lot like an old geezer, have ringing in my ears, and endure a general fogginess. The health issues I took to the Lord. On top of that, I have to figure out my son's expanding vocabulary, which is full of nonsensical words I don't quite understand like sus, bruh, and dab. Dab at least has a corresponding action. The rest require frequent reminders as to their intended meaning. Bruh, why do you say I'm sus?
Now I'm supposed to speculate on my future. I don't know anything. I didn't see in advance all the things that happened last year, either. God seems to keep saying I can't compare the season I'm going through with everyone else's seasons. My goal is to remain obedient and faithful and keep growing. I want to move forward with God. The only thing I can control is faithfulness. So, that's what I want to do. The rest is up to God. If anyone is still reading here, have a wonderful new year!
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