(Approximately) 30 things that make me feel old
1. Young people. They have a lot of confidence that comes chiefly from being young. Just wait until the world makes you cry until you realize you know absolutely nothing, then get back to me. That's not bitterness speaking. But you don't know what's holding the world up until you realize it's certainly not you. Younger people have different expectations and don't seem to realize not everyone has those same expectations. They live in a weird, little bubble and can't see beyond. I know I was there once upon a time, but I like to believe I was not that shortsighted. I probably was. Anyway, here is actual video of me interacting with young people.
2. Old people. More and more, my thoughts and values align with older people. When did that happen?
3. Unnecessary things like when I am forced to take 6,000 photos of my son doing something when one or two will suffice. It's really the same thing. Do I really need six variations of the same facial expression and/or activity?
4. Time. The passing of time, man. I lived in six different decades. Ain't that something, you say. It qualifies me in a unique way to talk about the world. I didn't grow up protected. I was wild and free. I didn't make a whole lot of great things happen in life, but I lived it. I drank from the garden hose. I went swimming in my underwear. I moved pipe on my friend's family farm. Shot giant grasshoppers in my front lawn with a BB gun. Climbed trees and didn't get hurt. Got chased by a bull in a pasture. Put firecrackers in the ant hill. Lost pets. Lost people. Moved a bunch. Planted trees. Cut trees down. Built a life and saw it fall down. Went for a hike in a snowstorm with civilization miles away. Stared down a bull elk protecting his harem just yards away. Hunted mountain lion. Ate deer hearts and pronghorn steaks. Fell in love with abandon. Gave it all I had.
5. People dying. Just stop that already. If I know you, you don't get to die. You have to keep living.
6. Self-driving cars. See #5. You know you're gonna crash eventually, right? No computer is as advanced as the human brain, and yet we crash all the time. Why are you leaving a complex task such as driving to an inferior computer's brain?
7. Social media. Facebook: no one has any fun here; it is a humorless blob where people randomly start fights with complete strangers over stupid things. Instagram: no one actually uses this except influencers and people who don't know any better. TikTok: for kids, the one group who really shouldn't be using it. Snapchat: at my age, it's not useful to have an app that features messages that disappear. What were we talking about again? There are others, but I don't understand them. I do get Tumblr. It's not for everyone, and we seem to like that. Tumblr is like the redheaded stepchild of the internet, but I love it. Except for the insane number of porn bots. Stop following me!
8. Old products you can't find anymore. Like Five Alive, which I remember having as a kid. Was it good? Probably not.
9. My big hair. It's just too much. Kind of like an eagle's nest. But it's also too little in spots. It personifies middle-age man hair. At least I have some, though.
10. My body. Speaking about middle-age man. Definitely not a paradigm of maleness. What happened? Too many chocolate-covered fruitcake bites? (No, never.) Too many bananas? Actually stopped eating bananas for a bit. Didn't help. I'm hairy like an orangutan. You could say I have a very utilitarian look. Definitely not a show dog. A working dog. With a little bit of a pudge and maybe a slight limp. And a drooling problem. And sometimes bad breath. (Blame the garlic carrots.) Sigh. I'd like to get into shape again. We all have stuff to work on.
11. Strange fixations about wellness. Think Consumer Reports but as a person. Do I get enough fiber? How is my diet? How can I improve my sleep?
12. Strange fixation on grammar. Or lack thereof. Have you seen the internet? It's atrocious. It's like a grammar-free zone where people with a second-grade education make the rules.
13. Randomly blacking out. What a neat surprise to stand up and then feel like falling down immediately. Let's do that 20 times a day! It's almost like having a roller coaster in my living room.
14. My eyes. I have to hold my phone at a distance to see what it says. I don't understand the use of tiny type on everything, like business cards. Isn't the point to convey information? I have a hard enough time reading the regular type! This necessitated me buying a pair of readers last year. I'm now the proud owner of 2X readers, which I disdainfully refuse to actually use, even though I need them sometimes. This fact explains a lot of what I saw in older people when I was growing up. Needing something like hearing aids and having them but not using them. Why? Starting to understand.
15. Noise. I avoid places that are noisy. But, I'm not nearly as sensitive as my kid. He's older than me in that regard. At least he doesn't need hearing aids. I do occasionally surprise myself and do something out of the ordinary, which is nice. I get to pat myself on the back for weeks after that. Hey, you expanded your universe by going to Gibbon (which is 15 minutes away) to eat some hamburgers after church! And it was good! Let's do it again in a year.
16. My memory. I was going to write an explanation here but forgot what it was. No, really. That's not a joke, unfortunately. Sometimes I repeat what I said before because I don't remember I already said it.
17. I know words younger people don't know. And they know words I don't know. It's quite alarming talking to someone and realizing they are speaking a different language, even though you speak the same language. Yes, I said that.
18. Not being able to exert myself without hacking up a lung. Too often I end up sounding like an old Vietnam vet who smokes a pack a day. Have you heard my war stories? Do you know what Agent Orange is? Well, pull up a stool, son. The year was 1969 ...
19. All my pill bottles. Do you know how much I spend on supplements? Honestly, I'm not sure they work. Some of them seem to. I think, if anything is going to change, it will change because of diet and exercise. I'm trying to do a "carnivore cleanse" of a sort. It's what it sounds like. Just staying away from carbs as much as possible. All carbs turn to sugar once ingested. Our bodies turn it to sugar. And sugar causes all sorts of problems. Inflammation is one. Adding fat. Causing blood-sugar problems. Killing testosterone. Did you know a 67-year-0ld man in the year 2000 and a 20-year-0ld man today have the same testosterone levels? Why would testosterone get cut in half in roughly 20 years? Give these boys some pills. I have some to help "man issues." I don't even use them anymore because, well, I don't need help in that area. Wish my body would chill out a bit. That might be TMI. Take it or leave it. I didn't say this would be pleasant.
20. All my noises. Groans, huffing and puffing. Getting into a vehicle requires a lot of exhalation and general noisiness. Getting out of a vehicle is worse. Doing some exercises? Might want to leave the room. It's not going to be pretty.
21. The bags under my eyes. I could pack for a week's vacation with these bags. I look like Eeyore.
22. Much of entertainment. It's aimed at a younger audience. There is too much swearing and bad jokes. I tend to want to watch Hallmark movies and stuff for kids because at least I know it's not going to upset me too much. I like detective movies/series because of the psychology. (I was on my way to getting a degree in Psychology a few years ago.) But, now I just do my crossword puzzles or play games on my phone while I "watch" TV. I think it's just on so I don't feel completely alone, which is an old-person thing to do.
23. I worry a lot about falling on ice. Probably because I actually do fall on the ice a lot. I fell into a rabbit hole recently, too, and fell down. Falling is definitely something old people fear.
24. I get mad at fancy food. Like, I can make food. I can make fancy food, even. But enough already! Get out of here with your fancy food! Gimme a burger and fries.
25. Doing my taxes. Nothing says, "I'm old" like doing your own taxes and complaining about it. Like, pay someone to do them, man. No. Because then I'm giving away money to get my money back. Money which the government knows they owe me but I have to name the number they owe me. And if I ask for more back than they owe me, they give me less. It's a ridiculous game.
26. Tweezers are my best friend. Enough said.
27. How I run. I look like I'm afraid of falling, which I am. It would help if the sidewalks weren't intermittently covered in ice. But, it's more than that. I am now the guy I used to make fun of, running like a ninny with itty bitty steps. You heard it here first.
28. All the people I knew. What happened to so-and-so? We used to be good friends. We hung out. And then they disappeared forever.
29. Going out. What does that even mean at my age? How does anyone actually accomplish this? I used to go out. A lot. I also used to stay in. A lot. Staying in sounds better these days, but going out — for the right reason — is still possible. There would have to be breaded and fried cheese sticks involved or something. Some ice-cold lemonades. Now you're talking. I may not even care about the heartburn that will inevitably wake me up at approximately 1:37 a.m.
30. I do stuff for others. It's almost like I don't exist. This is how you know you've aged. You're more concerned about the next generation than yourself, regardless of your needs.
31. Things I look forward to. For instance, what would I like in my next car? It's not a little hot hatch (which would be nice) or a sports car (even nicer). No, it's something bigger and probably ill-handling and something that, instead of telegraphing the road surface to me, isolates me from it. I don't want to feel bumps. I want a glassy ride and space to carry stuff. Basically a minivan but with AWD. Pretty exciting! No, I don't want exciting. I want to get somewhere without any drama and get back home with even less drama. I want boring and predictable. I actually looked at an SUV recently but decided it was too boring (gray on black interior), so I'm not completely gone. Still, the fact that it appealed to me in the first place was alarming. I'll probably end up with something like a Honda Passport or Toyota Highlander or a luxury brand equivalent, basically a breadbox on wheels. Sometimes you just have to accept the fact that you've changed, along with the rest of the world. I'm not old, but I'm not young anymore. I'm middle-aged. I don't know if I ever used to be cool, but I'm definitely not cool now. Unless you count my hands, which are perpetually cold. They warm up in a bubble bath. But, that's a topic for another day.
Yeah, I could come up with a few more, but we probably discussed it over the past 5 years. Yes, this blog is almost 5 years old. It was killed off a few times but survived — like some sort of literary cockroach. Thanks for gathering around. Hope the hot chocolate was good, at least.
***
It's time to do something I didn't want to do, which is end my new blog, A Better Hope. It began in August and didn't catch on, which is fine. I gave it a shot. My other blog remains. I don't get much of a chance to write anymore, but I do get a hankering from time to time. I'll leave the links.
Just a note about my son. Our relationship got better lately. I felt God gave me some insight, which I am praying about. Because he was a premature baby and didn't bond correctly with his parents (he was in the NICU for about a month because he was 3.5 lbs. and about six weeks premature), a lot of his behavior is driven by rejection/fear of rejection. (We can all identify with that a little.) He has a powerful personality many might consider "too much." I want to minister to his need to be accepted but in a way he knows God loves him, too, and he doesn't have to be anything or do anything to be loved by us. He is simply loved. And that's a lesson for all of us.
Thank you for reading. And God bless.
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