my careless contagion

I don't know if she still reads here. I don't know if she thinks about me much anymore. I really don't know much, but I know she means the world to me. I see her trying. She's afraid. She's holding on to what she knows. She's afraid of what she doesn't know. I wish it was easier. Someday it will be. I know she'll be okay. I know because my Father told me.  When someone has been through hell in a relationship, they don't have the same fire to begin again. The fire is gone, but the need for love remains. The struggle of that person is a spectacular thing. It is a precious fight for sanity and safety and to not lose oneself in love. I want her to know it will be okay. We will both be okay. Because neither of us are in control. There is One who is in control, and He knows our struggles. He sees every tear and frustration, every moment of terror. Every fear. Every time we look in the mirror and wonder if they see what we see. Every moment we see that slip...

Wrote this a while back. It’s still good. My writing isn’t very good lately, but it gets the point across.  I was a shy boy, an introvert. Saying anything, especially hello, is hell for people like me. But, saying hello was the easiest thing in the world when it came to her. I said hello once and it stood. One hello. Please stay forever. Saying hello to her was natural and right. It was saying goodbye that didn’t work so well. Some people are always welcome in your life. You hope they make themselves at home. Stay the afternoon, the night, and then a lifetime. Cindy was the easiest hello and the hardest goodbye. In fact, I never really said goodbye. And I don’t intend to. Some people fit perfectly into you. Have you noticed? Like they were carved that way in advance by Unseen Hands. Like they were part of the plan the whole time. Drawn together. Designed that way. Without them, something is missing. With them, one feels whole. That is my girl. That is how I feel. I never wanted to ...

It's never too late to learn in God's schoolhouse. That's a good thing. What I'm learning now is hard stuff, but I never learned it along the way. If you fail to pass a test with God, He gives you chances to try again. I'm learning to trust. I'm learning to wait. That is where I am now. One of the important things about waiting is it creates assurance of a specific direction. Are you sure? No? Maybe you haven't waited long enough. God needs to know you'll follow through.  It is hard for me to do these things because of my background. I have a hard time trusting anyone, including myself. And God. Waiting goes against human nature and the flesh. But patience is a fruit of the spirit and is worth it. So, if anyone cares to pray for me, please do. I'm going through a hard time. I just have to be faithful. That's it. Please pray I do that. These things may be hard, but they are always worth it. I absolutely believe God has some really amazing blessing...

My friends, if you have time and the inclination, will you pray with me? My dear friend is in a dreadful spot. She needs a way out. She needs a door to open. My friends, she is stuck and hurting. Pray with me, if you will.  Heavenly Father, we lift up to you my friend Cindy. Lord, she is hurting. She despairs of life. Many unfair circumstances persist in her life. And she is unable to move forward, though she desperately wants to. She is laden with heavy burdens too heavy to bear. Lord, you know Cindy, and you know she is kind, one of the kindest of your creation. She is a special woman, and we ask that you show her your special plan for the rest of her life. We lift her up to you in prayer and supplication. We ask that you station your angels around her and her family to always protect them from the attacks of the enemy. We also know she is very hard on herself. Remind her you can do so much with a broken vessel, perhaps more than one that is whole. Pour your love into her and let...

It feels good to close the door on this year. Holy crap. It was a decidedly horrid year. And now it is in its waning moments. This was the year I ran out of everything. It was like the world stopped. A lot of people know what I'm talking about. Suicides went off the charts. Drug and alcohol abuse soared. People lost hope. And we got to see what the new world order looks like.  Will next year be better? We can only hope. And pray. And pray some more. Heads up: this is a long post. Kinda hard to sum up this disastrous year with few words.   I close this year with a confession of error. I was wrong about something very important to me, something which I sought God about literally thousands of times (or, it is possible I was simply unable to do what God told me to do, but the outcome is the same). I am beyond humbled. My consolation is everything was submitted to God long ago. This thing needs more prayer because I'm not settled in my understanding. I have an easier time accepting...

I'm tired. Yes, I've written an awful lot lately, so I'm tired of writing. I'll finish out my photo memories series and then probably take a break.  But my tiredness is something else, too. I've fought most of my life against what is now happening in my country and around the world. I am a warrior, but I don't wrestle with flesh and blood. It is a purely spiritual battle, though we see the effects of that battle in the physical realm. Right now, God's people are not winning the battle. Yes, some days offer good news. Most days, however, are a draining parade of bad news.  This battle will probably kill me eventually. I've begged God to give me strength and a reason to continue. That reason appears to be my son. I want to see him grow up and have children of his own. I want to grow old and die a natural death. I want the same for him. That's my prayer.  When a man becomes involved in spiritual warfare, the enemy never forgets. Though that man...

I really hate writing posts like this (but perhaps this is the direction this blog needs to head). But something is amiss in Minneapolis. I was hoping to ignore it, that it would just go away, that it wasn't yet another media war on the United States people, but it just blew up. They got what they wanted: rioting in the streets. More division. And your attention just shifted from 10 other horrible things they are doing to one. Sleight of hand. Now that they have your attention on this one thing, what are they getting away with? People are figuring out the purpose of the pandemic, so we better start something else. Okay, slow down, Joshua. It's all planned. These things almost never happen organically. Americans are fat, lazy, peace-loving, and not at all organized. They don't do stuff like this unless there is pressure from an outside force. And torching one's own city does not endear people to your position that things are very wrong in your community. It only mak...

I have thought a lot about divorce over the past several years. I have wrestled with the concept, actually. I hate divorce, though, concerning my divorce, I felt I had no other recourse. It's like cutting off your leg to save your life. This blog was deployed to help me navigate my divorce, yet I didn't write much about it. My suffering was too much, too deep, and too personal to share. But am I destined to hobble about the rest of my life?  I sought my God heavily before, during, and after my divorce. Malachi 2 :16 seems a straightforward verse concerning divorce, though this article caused me to rethink that. In fact, this article was about the closest I've come to how my conversations with God went before, during, and after my divorce. I felt God accepted my reasoning and desire to end my marriage and consented to it. I felt released from my marriage for Biblical reasons. I never felt judged or that I was wrong. But that didn't stop the carnage in my soul — t...

Today, I have to share something. Today I was convicted. I read a verse last night that stuck out to me. Then I received the same verse this morning in my inbox (it's a random verse-a-day email). It's something God has been telling me for a while. I won't share all the details, but suffice to say I know when God is telling me something. What I've been posting in my blog is my feelings, sure, but it's not necessarily what God is telling me. What He is telling me hasn't changed. I just don't know how to deal with it, I guess. Writing things in this blog is a semi-private experience. But it's possible someone, sometime in the future, will read what I've written. And what I've written isn't necessarily what God has told me. So I repent of that.  In the future, I will try to steer away from certain topics. Maybe I've overshared. I don't know. That's the problem. I need to write what I know. Right now, all I know is what God has ...

This post about prayer has a sister post about stoicism (believe it or not, they're connected somehow in my mind). Some things I talk about may be hard to accept. I'm not asking anyone to accept what I write. This blog is for me. But, if you are a Christian and feel conflicted about anything I write, ask God. I don't post anything here without first praying about it. I don't expect anyone to accept something strange without first praying about it, as well. After all, Christians are expected to judge all things (I Corinth. 2:15) and to try the spirits (I John 4:1 & 2). In the end, though, this is my journey, and I am simply documenting it. I teach my son to obey me. It's a work in progress. Haha. But, my relationship with him is a constant reminder of my relationship with God — my Heavenly Father (and sometimes my relationship with my earthly father). Obedience is key. Talking back isn't allowed. Obedience is taught in families, as well as in spiritua...