Holding Cynthia (part two?)

I'm an author. It's official. It's not a best-seller. I published one book — literally one book. Call it a limited run. It's definitely a limited edition copy. The person who now owns the book is the one named in the title. And, yes, that's a picture of the book cover (minus my name). There is another book by this title out there. I'd like to say they stole the title from me, but I fear it's the other way around.

I started working on the book in July, finished it, and sent the pdfs to the printer, which shipped me the book in August. I planned to send it to the girl on her birthday, and thankfully that worked out. Needless to say, it was hard to hold onto it for such a long time. And, after it was clear our relationship was over a long time ago, I still wanted her to have it. Now it functions as a memorial of what we had. Or, at least, what I had, and still have in my heart for her. No, I wasn't trying to win her back. I wasn't trying to do anything, really; I just wanted her to have it. I asked God if I could send the book to her. When I asked if I could send her something for her birthday, she said yes. I didn't send it to her out of the blue. She knew it was coming, but she didn't know what it was exactly. I understand she's not interested in having a relationship with me, so it serves as a memorial and that's it. She may not keep it, and that's fine, but I still wanted her to have it. She doesn't owe me anything, though she did give me an explanation for what happened between us. For that, I am thankful. It helped me achieve closure which was nearly impossible until that point. I hate putting this disclaimer on this, but I also feel I have to. It just came from my heart.

The book is composed of 11 of my writings from this blog (mostly from the summer of 2018), some edited to take out the more gratuitous imagery, along with some pictures that hopefully supplement and break up the text. It's not a perfect book. I realized I made some formatting errors. But I put time and effort into it. And heart. A whole lot of heart. Overall, I'm glad about the way it turned out. I never thought I'd be an author.  

They say the Bible is the only book where the author is in love with the reader. I challenge that notion, though it is a beautiful notion. I can say the same about the book I wrote. I hope the book is a blessing to the girl who reads it. She has certainly been a blessing to me. Considering this is likely the last thing I will ever send her, I'm glad it was something so special and timeless. 

So, let's talk about that disclaimer. When I designed the book, I was still under the illusion there was something between us (there were conversations as recent as last summer I can point to that indicated that). She has since made it very clear she wants nothing to do with me and is now pursuing her ex. What we had those few short months was seen very differently by the two of us. It was one of the best things to ever happen to me. Granted, I was starving for something wonderful. For her, it was a brief indiscretion which she quickly ended, and has since buried. I have become an unfortunate and shameful footnote in her life story. For me, it felt like my whole world changed. I finally had something great to look forward to.

So, that relationship is dead and has been for a long time (though not by my choice). Why did I persist? Well, because I love her. But there's more than that. I've outlined more reasons, though I should mention I'm only posting a small percentage of what I should probably be posting. I've tried to keep the narrative clean and minimal while respecting the privacy of everyone involved. God told me to do two things. And I'm not hinging my actions on one conversation I thought I had with God. I've had literally hundreds, perhaps thousands, at this point, all reaffirming the original conversation. In fact, I feel I'm misinforming everyone because I'm leaving so much out. But, here's the thing. God never said to chase after the girl. Most of the hurt (i.e. rejection) I've experienced was because I went out on a limb after her. God never said to put myself out there like that. I was trying to make something happen and wasn't trusting God. Lesson learned. 

Either way, whether I really did hear God's voice or not, I have to leave Cindy alone. It's the respectful thing to do. If she's going to mend her relationship with her ex and believes God is telling her to do that, I don't want to get in the way. This gift and others I sent were created during a time when things looked different for us. I'm glad God allowed me to send them, but now things have changed. These aren't the words I wanted to write after she received the gifts, but it must be said. The gifts don't have the same meaning I intended them to have now, but they still mean something. They mean I cared, I care, and I will always care about that girl. And, regardless of the current circumstances, I'm pretty sure this story isn't over.