Pet peeves
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I got a message from a devoted fan of my blog to write about my pet peeves. So, thanks, I will! (That's a joke for the editor; he'll think it's funny) I'm actually incredibly easygoing (unless I'm hungry), so not much rattles me. These are more fun than anything else. And it's safe to say this blog needs some levity. I wrote this post a while ago. I hope it makes someone laugh.
Poo-Pourri. The commercials are terrible. The actual product is even worse. Thank you, because I now associate the lovely smells of lavender and vanilla with all y'alls taking shits. And all y'alls seem to shit a lot. Or that stuff you spray stays in the air a lot longer than any shit smell possibly could.
When someone asks you what you think, then they cut you off and tell you what they think. Or what you should think. Why don't you just tell me what you think and we'll skip the pretense of caring what I think.
Weird stuff my son's mom makes for him. Sometimes she sends food with him that ends up in my fridge. Some of it is gosh-darn awful, like the egg muffins. They taste like dirt, only worse. My son hates them, tells me they taste bad, and I just throw them away. Healthy food is great, but if it tastes like a monkey's butt, then I'm not going to feed it to him.
Waking up too early. And not being able to go back to sleep. Starting my day off with despair is not fun. And enduring microsleeps until I crash around, um, 6:30 p.m. make for a long, not-fun day.
Being cold. Here, I am cold roughly 8-9 months out of the year. I'm used to being cold, but when my fingers go numb, that's really annoying. Pretty soon, my toes start complaining. But, hey, at least we don't have a whole lot of scary bugs here. Really, though, I wish someone would just punch me before I go outside because then I could just shrug it off like, "Well, the cold is better than being punched in the face." It may even fix my crooked nose. Oh, an upside of when I travel outside the Black Hills is I sweat a lot. What is this thing you people have? What do you call it? Heat?
Coffee breath. I really hoped my breath would taste like I ate a dead bird for breakfast. Thank you, coffee.
My slow-ass work computer. This is more than a pet peeve. This is like a constant, all-day riot. I'd love to shove it into traffic and watch it die. Bye, bye, iMac, you old sourpuss. I've heard that Macs are more user-friendly than PCs, however, I've been around Macs most of my life, and I thoroughly detest them. Perhaps the people who say such things are merely mesmerized by the beach ball on their screen forever spinning.
My laptop. Somehow, though my PC is faster than my work Mac, it equally annoys me. Maybe it's the random freeze-and-reboot sequences. Maybe it's because I can see my reflection in the screen. Or maybe I just hate computers. My laptop won't be shoved into traffic anytime soon because then I would have to rely on my work Mac to do all my blogging, i.e., complaining.
Commas. Mainly, using too many commas. And not enough. I'm the Goldilocks of commas, apparently. I wish I could do away with them altogether because I spend more time on those dastardly things than anything else.
Exasperation for things that are no big deal. I'm the worst offender. Really, eff you, Joshua; don't you realize there are so many things that are so much worse than a slow computer? Okay, that is pretty annoying. But, really, that's nothing compared to what millions of people deal with every day. Do you live in a war zone? Do you have plenty to eat? Are you dying of cancer? Chill out, then.
My ex. I know, it's a tired subject. But she has recently developed a new vocal tic that drives me batty. It's completely unnecessary and *&%#ing maddening.
Decisions based in fear. That's just a shitty way to live and very limiting.
Used-car salespeople. Recently, I had one try to sell me a car with nearly as many miles as the one I had, was two years older than mine, and also was a lot more money than my trade-in. Only a used-car salesperson would do that!
People who talk about sports and ONLY sports. There has GOT to be something else going on in your brain! Who thinks about only one thing? That's like only seeing one color and endlessly talking about that color. I saw red today: this was red, that was red, ten thousand things I saw were red; what do you think about that? I DON'T CARE! People are too hung up on sports. They know more about their favorite pitcher's history than why our country is quickly going down the tubes and they're losing rights right and left. Grown men come to blows over watching youth sports. It's ridiculous. There's a dearth of people interested in officiating youth sports for that reason. Chill out, people; sports are supposed to teach sportsmanship, not fanaticism. Even if the ref makes a bad call, that's part of the game. It teaches you about life, wherein many things will NOT go your way.
Obsessively charging my phone. I have no one to blame but myself for this one. Still, I can be annoyed by this. I rarely let my phone get below 40%. I start freaking out once it drops below 50%. It's a good thing I have a lightning charge cable, otherwise, I'd be sure to have a breakdown.
Alley traffic. If you don't have to drive down the alley, don't. Get your happy ass on a regular street. Alleys are not made for regular traffic, and using them for that is wrong and dangerous. I and my son have nearly been flattened in an alley because you assholes can't use the regular roads. It's not a shortcut! It's for people who have legitimate reasons for accessing the rear of businesses.
Thin TP at work. If I have to fold it six times, then it's probably too thin. And it seems to be made of air. What is the use of this stuff? Good thing I can go upstairs to my apartment if nature calls. I don't want to use the Poo-Pourri anyway.
Leaving the lights on. What the hell is wrong with you? Turn the damn lights off after you leave the room. Greta Thunberg is going to kick your ass. And I'm going to help her.
People who excessively complain. Ironic, considering the aim of this post. Haha.
Nicolas Cage. Put Steve Martin in any movie and I will consider watching it. Put Nicolas Cage in any movie and I will not. Either way, I'll probably just watch Point Break or something Keanu Reeves is in.
Crows. Could God have created a more acrimonious creature? They are wicked smart, I'll give them that, but besides acknowledging that, I have no use for them. Their "song" is the most discordant thing I've ever heard, their appearance is the stuff of evil legends and superstition, and I get the feeling they are mocking me by their very presence.
People who are offended when you don't know who they are. Or when you tell them you don't know their favorite show. Or whatever their thing is. It's a big world out there. Everyone is different. Castigating me because I don't know something you know or believe what you believe has got to be the dumbest thing ever. I am not a cookie-cutter man. If I walked around acting exasperated because people didn't hold all of my opinions, that would be incredibly dumb, am I right? Don't do it to me then.
Bad grammar. Actually, bad grammar makes me laugh. Part of my job is to edit, edit, edit. It makes my day when a funny error reaches my desk. If one of the asshole writers was just trying to make me laugh, then that's not funny. You're not funny. Get back to work.
Adults who hate children. What is wrong with you? Who hates children. Grow up, you big baby.
People who get your name wrong but don't apologize. But now I don't feel the need to remember your name either, so thank you. One less thing I have to memorize. It probably wouldn't be so bad if you didn't call me by the name of the guy I work with — a convicted pedophile — but you did, so fuck you.
Pedophiles. This one is legit. I work with this guy. I don't understand what goes into the decision of a grown man having sex with a 12-year-old girl — on either side — but that is some serious dysfunction. And to get only a year of probation for that is the definition of injustice. What is the price of a young girl's innocence? Apparently, not much in South Dakota.
Keys. As in, when you go over a bump and the keys in your ignition bang against all conceivable surfaces. I like the push-button start idea (like my ex has in her car) because the keys stay in your pocket. You don't even have to take them out to open the door. Now that's technology I like. And why do I have so many keys? I'm pretty sure half of these belong to stuff I no longer own. Or I'm a janitor in my sleep. For the rest of us, though, I wish someone would come up with a little bag or something to slip over keys so they don't bang around while driving. And I don't have to hold them like the OCD nutjob I am. Update: my new car has a push-button ignition. Keys stay in the pocket. Hurray!
Writing in cursive. I write in all caps all the time. I think this is a male thing. It started a long time ago. Let's not go there, but the idea was to write as legibly as possible. Me writing in cursive looks about how my 5-year-old writes his name.
My phone constantly updating apps. Who knew I even had so many apps? And why do they need constant tending to?
Lois Lane. How can she not see Clark Kent is Superman? Are glasses really an effective disguise? Superman, do you really want a girl who is that stupid? Love is dumb. And certainly blind.
Last-minute changes. This is no big deal for most people, I'm sure, but I have things lined up in my head. If you suddenly shuffle something in there, I have to rearrange everything else. If it's a big enough change, then watch my plans fall like dominos. My whole world fell apart. All because you can't plan anything.
Tailgaters. No, not the people who enjoy delicious ribs and chicken wings on game day — the people who get all up on your bumper as you're driving 70 mph. I know we're all in a hurry these days, and that's why there's a passing lane. Use it. I have enough to watch in front of me; I don't need to watch what you're doing behind me. Yeah, I'm guilty of this one too from time to time. But it's so dangerous. It has to make the list.
Balls. It seems their sole purpose is to get in the way. How many times do I wake up in the night with them going two different directions or crushed beneath me? I wish I could put them away before bed. It's hard to even sit down in a chair sometimes without them seemingly saying, "Excuse me, I'm trying to maintain a healthy distance from your body heat while not straying too far. Please respect my boundaries," but what I hear is, "Contort the rest of your body to make me happy, you SOB." Really, they are very particular about where they want to be. Their need for space and breathing room trump my need comfort. But if you don't give them that space, they will hurt like hell and remind you that you are a man — forever tied to those things that biologically make you a man. Oh, what am I saying? Even if you respect their wishes, they will hurt. They will hurt with a hollow, aching pain, and sometimes shooting pains as well. They will humble you all day long. They will fight you, and you will fight them. And you will lose. Because they are a part of you. What other part of a man's body needs so much mindfulness to keep happy? What other part of a man's body needs protective gear even when going for a jog? And if they are ever (hopefully accidentally) kicked or punched or hit somehow, your day is over. Go throw up and lay down. And curse those maddening balls.
Undermining my parenting. This is something my parents do all the time. No wonder my son doesn't respect my authority. They're just like, "Don't listen to your dad. This is the way it is." I want to move.
People who complain but never do. If they tried to do what the person they're complaining about is doing, they might have a different take. It's always the lazyass on the sidelines who has the most to say and the least reason for anyone to listen to them. If you start doing some things with your life, you might be surprised by how much you fail. But then you wouldn't have any room to criticize the people who are doing a hundred times more than you. See, it looks easy, but it's harder than it looks. At least those you criticize are actually trying. I think we're all guilty of this one, but it bears repeating.
Drivers who pull out in front of you and then go 10 mph under the speed limit. You were so impatient to get out there so you could go slower than everyone else? You're an asshole.
Drivers who won't let you in when you are merging. I see there is no one in the left lane. I know you see me trying to merge. What is your problem? Did your steering wheel suddenly stop working? Are you having a seizure I cannot observe? Are you a robot? Do you have a self-driving car that's decided to be an asshole too? Is Toonces secretly driving your car? Actually, I'd like to see that last one, just to see him drive you off a cliff.
Making up your own lyrics to popular songs. Okay, I do this a lot. It's fun. Leave me alone.
Cancel culture. You're "canceling" someone because they have a different (and perhaps unpopular) opinion from you? How narrow-minded can you get?
People talking about their pet peeves. Haha.
Being sick. I would love to endure life while feeling like I am dying. Please. Let's do that.
Sitting W. Stop. Just make it stop. I have to tell my son to stop sitting W 6,000 times a day.
People who shall remain nameless who come into my apartment unannounced. Seriously, sometimes I get out of the shower and there are people there I didn't expect. And I'm half-naked. Also, people stopping by at my son's bedtime so he's riled up and takes twice as long to go to sleep. Do you have any idea what it takes to calm this kid down? Do you care? No.
When someone questions my motives. It's illogical to immediately understand what someone's motives are, but I still dislike it when they are misunderstood. Most of these pet peeves aren't a big deal. This one is no different.
Cleaning my monitor. What is this stuff, anyway? Sneezes? Is someone licking my monitor? And while we're on the subject, you don't have to touch things you're p0inting at on my screen. Sometimes when I'm bored I come downstairs and clean everyone's monitors. That's not weird, is it?
Whistlers. Thank you for creeping everyone out. And the bird call for a ringtone? Ingeniously distracting. Make it louder, please. We may as well include almost all office sounds. Think I'm crazy? I'm not alone, as this article explains.
Okay, that's all I have. Most of those are pretty silly (they just gave me something to write about). Some are mildly annoying. And some are obviously gross to deal with. Generally, not much rattles me. But I am getting cantankerous in my old age. Watch out!
Thanks for reading. Hopefully, I made someone laugh.
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