October 26

I know I'm posting this on Oct. 27, but what happened last night is the crux of the matter. The problem is, I don't know how to talk about things properly because there is something that needs to be explained first. And I will. In a future post. 

Cindy messaged me and wished my son a happy birthday in advance. Somehow it ended up being a texting match followed by a half-hour phone call and her frustrated in tears and me feeling like I'd been hit by a bus. None of that was planned, and that's probably why she doesn't want to reach out to me anymore. Actually, I wouldn't be surprised if that was the straw that broke the camel's back.

This summer, when I tried to "break off" any chance of a future relationship with her, I felt she said she didn't accept that. Well, what she was telling me was there was nothing to break off because there was no relationship. What I was trying to break off was the chance of something — someday. I thought she just needed to demonize me (thus, me being an a-hole) so she would do what she felt compelled to do and go back to her ex. I knew we didn't have a relationship, and, as she pointed out, I have said that many times on this blog. The whole conversation sounded like we never even had a relationship. If we had communicated just a little bit more, I think we could have progressed beyond this a long time ago.

But something didn't add up. She asked me to wait for her many times in the last 2.5 years, said she didn't want to "lose her place in line" as recently as June. Apparently, I wrote something in my What Did You Expect From the Vaccines? post that resonated with her. She told me she was trying — with her counselor — to figure out how to move forward with me. Even in March or April she told me she loved me. Admittedly, that was a long time ago. And the last time she sent me a picture of herself was 11 months ago. I don't recall exactly when she said it, but she told me when she imagined her future, she saw me in her life. Things have gotten lost in the shuffle of life, and I realize what people want and need changes. Still, there's been this push-pull for a long time. The only constant has been what God tells me.

When I visited her in her town later in June, she told me it was a nice town and I should consider moving there. She again reiterated she and her counselor couldn't figure out why she was unable to move forward with me. Again, she texted and told me she appreciated my patience with her while she was figuring things out. I thought the silence between us was what was helping her progress. Last night she told me that silence meant there was nothing between us.

Yes, that's what the silence was telling me, too; I got that, trust me. But her words told me something else, which is what I believed. I was starting to be okay with how everything ended between us, and then yesterday happened. Yesterday started out a bad day because I had this feeling something was wrong and I couldn't put my finger on it. I was very lonely. I wrote a post I did not post. The whole day was off. I had a terrible night of sleep last night, even though I took a sleeping pill. There were so many confusing thoughts. But one thing was clear. She was adamant there is nothing there for us right now. She said she doesn't know the future, but it's impossible right now. That wasn't really news to me, so I don't know why it shook me so much. Maybe because it was not a good day to begin with.

There is something at work here that neither of us controls. And she gave me permission to write about that in the future. When you love someone, you accept them as they are. But when that love has nowhere to go, what do you do? I've been asking God for closure for what happened between us (and I thought I had it, then yesterday morning happened), and then last night it felt like I started to get that again. It gave me something to hang my hat on, when before it was just so many questions. The book Cindy said was like reading her autobiography is the key to understanding her, but she is different from that, too. 

I would like to talk with her more so I can have complete closure, but that is too much to ask, and she really doesn't owe me that. Is it wrong to want to know what ended our relationship? Or does it even matter anymore? I'm aware all of this makes me look like a goon. And, more disturbingly, like I have a mental illness. Any rational, normal human being would have simply shrugged and moved on. This is the point when I mention what God told me almost two years ago. I've come to see having closure for the end of our relationship as different from what may happen in the future. I need closure. I was keeping that door open, hoping with all hope something might happen. But letting it close doesn't mean it can't open again, right? 

I've spent more time trying to get over losing Cindy than anything else in the last couple of years. It's hard to let go of something that makes so much sense. I was ready to let her go almost two years ago. I simply cannot fathom why God didn't put a stamp of approval on that. Unless I didn't hear God's voice. But I've humbled myself in prayer and fasting many times since then, bringing that very issue to His attention, and it feels like I've gotten the same answer over and over, often with curious circumstances, and always with the same keywords. I haven't had any food in nearly 24 hours, yet I cannot hear God's voice today. I just have a strange feeling everything is going to be okay. Maybe because I'm about to pass out.

This is a raw post meant to update the readers of this blog. I'm sorry I don't have answers. And I feel the conversation last night sent me further down the rabbit hole. I know Cindy feels many things — and powerfully. Even thinking about talking to me sends her into a panic because she knows how it may seem. I honestly don't know how she gathered up the energy to see me four times last summer. Considering what she's fighting through just to keep her life looking normal, I think she's amazing. I have so much respect for her, it's unbelievable. None of this is her fault. It was my choice to listen to the voice I thought was God's. At the end of the day, that's what it comes down to. I even asked God a few days after that conversation if I had to go through with it, and He said no, but I would be missing out on something He was doing and the blessings that come with it. How could I say no to that? And I was definitely in love with the girl. It seemed more possible then. But maybe what we had needed to be let go in order for something else to take its place. Something better. 

A funny thing was said last night. Cindy said she thought it would be selfish to be with me because she knew I would be good to her but she may not be good for me. What's funny about that? I had the same thought, only in reverse. I thought I would be perfectly happy with her, but I wasn't sure I was the right man for her. Sometimes our conversations are like looking in a mirror. 

Thank you for reading.