My forgiveness

I wrote this post to myself. It wasn't intended to help anyone other than me, but if it helps someone else, then okay.

I've gone through life trying to avoid being triggered by bad memories. As I sit here, I can cough up quite a few, but those are merely at the surface. I can recall the time my dad and I built a crude birdfeeder, which I hung pretty low (so I could fill it) on my favorite ponderosa tree. My brother later told me he would take the BB gun and go up to birds feeding on it and blow them away at point-blank range. I stopped refilling it. My dad probably thought it was a waste of time to help me build it. Then there's the time I was playfully snatching popcorn from the giant bowl my ex sat down with next to me. There was literally popcorn for ages, but she got upset and threw the whole damn bowl on me because it was her popcorn. And, of course, there are other and numerous romantic heartbreaks, which seem to be the gift that keeps on giving. 

All of these things were unexpected. Who knew my brother would be so cruel as to kill the very birds I had been feeding, the birds I loved? Who knew my mate would be so selfish that she couldn't even spare a few kernels of popcorn I was jovially pilfering, and then would be so upset that I dare joke around with her that she would throw the whole bowl on me so neither of us could have it? (Of course, it's funny now.) And, perhaps most perplexing, who knew my heart would be broken again and again by females from all walks of life? You see, what was once unexpected is now expected. Bad things happen. Sometimes bad things happen to good people. But what all of these things have in common is me. Bad things happen to me. I don't know why this is my life, but it is, and it looks to continue. My mom used to say a dark cloud followed me around. So, it's clear I am the problem. That's not going to change as long as I live, but I can change my reaction to bad things. That's where forgiveness comes in. 

Though I may not be able to change the script I was given, I will always forgive. I have wrested control of the one thing that makes everything clean and clear —forgiveness is mine. Today and tomorrow, no matter what the world may send my way, forgiveness belongs to me. Though everything else may be taken away, I will retain that one thing.

I got this in my inbox today, so I figured I'd better finish this post. Thanks for the reminder.

I've detailed many of my life's traumas in this blog's many pages. When a person comes through something difficult, there's the temptation to say, "It's okay; I'm fine." But I'm not okay, and I'm not fine. But I can say, "All is forgiven." 

When I cry out to God that what I experienced as a child wasn't fair, the answer to that is quick, but in the form of a question: "Was what happened to Jesus fair?" Was it fair the Blameless One should take all our sins upon Himself — even the sins of those who reject Him? It's one thing to die for those who are or will be saved. But to die for everyone, regardless of whether they accept the gift of salvation, that's mind-boggling. God is endlessly merciful, and He calls us to be merciful. When you're feeling sorry for yourself, that's easy to forget. 

What makes healing possible? Forgiveness. It's not a suggestion, in fact; it's a commandment. If we don't forgive those who trespass against us, we can count on two things: God cannot forgive our sins, and God will send the tormentors. Unforgiveness is followed by really bad things like bitterness and resentment. 

How many times do we have to forgive? Jesus said 70 times 7 times. Do the math quickly on that. And that's for the same offense. Change one little thing, and you have to start over. Suffice to say you will never reach that number. You always have to forgive. Personally, I forgive as many times as it comes to mind. I deal with it there on the spot. And all the times I'm reminded of it. Keep doing that and the tormentors will get tired of bringing it to mind. And you'll get really good at forgiving people — including yourself! 

I know it's hard to forgive sometimes. Especially when the person refuses to apologize. Or doesn't even know they hurt you to begin with! But holding unforgiveness in our hearts only hurts us and our walk with God. I know all of this by experience. 

I've stopped judging folks. All of you are privy to things about me that few or even no one knows. So you know I'm no saint. The Bible tells me not to judge, otherwise, I will be judged by the same measure. The only sure way to avoid being judged is to not judge others, so that's what I will do. And that's hard for me because I do have such a clear vision of what is right and wrong. 

Here's an example. I know I will never be with a woman who doesn't reject me on some level. That's a fact. Human beings are not capable of unconditional love. We can get pretty close, but only God loves unconditionally (agape love). So, with the things I've learned above: 1) life is impossible without forgiveness 2) I cannot judge other human beings, it's possible I can be in a relationship again. I've experienced a tremendous amount of pain, humiliation, and rejection in my life. As long as I'm alive, I know I'll experience more. But forgiveness offers life without the effects of those things. It stops a whole lot of bad feelings right in their tracks and erases them. As in, there, done with that. Now, on to something important. 

Consider this, though: You cannot forgive what you do not admit. Saying everything is fine and you're okay is denial. It's burying the truth. You have to first admit to yourself what happened. You don't have to get in anyone's face. This is all internal. Forgiveness is predicated on the fact that something happened. If you bury it, it just goes down into you and festers. I should know; I was there most of my life. 

So, it's simple, right? Admit it happened. Then forgive. Repeat as necessary. 

I should mention forgiveness is an act of the will because there are many times when you will not feel like forgiving, especially in the heat of the moment (so you have to say, "I will forgive so-and-so for this-and-that). Your will is not a part of your emotions, so it gets the job to forgive. That's good. There are many hurts that will never be forgotten (such as those random ones I listed above), but you can rest assured they are forgiven. Our mind may remember, but our will has done the hard job of forgiving. 

The hardest one to forgive is ourselves. How many of us have said, "I could never forgive myself ..."? Yeah, I know it's hard because we put ourselves in the place of God, especially when we talk about our kids because we are all-knowing, all-powerful, etc., but we are in need of forgiveness the same as anyone else. 

Next up is God. I've had a lot of unforgiveness toward God. I freely admit it. I've been mad a whole lot at God. Anyone who is involved in self-destructive behaviors is not only mad at themselves but with God, the One who created them. 

That's a whole lot of forgiveness to go around: other people, ourselves, and God. Whew. I think that's everyone. Most people are selfish. You show them your worth by what they can gain by knowing or loving you. If you don't offer them anything, they don't want anything to do with you. Show them they can gain something by knowing you, and then you've made a friend (albeit a shallow one). Or a lover. Or life-partner. All human relationships are transactional. We like to believe otherwise, but that's the truth. 

Well, I got a whole lot of hurt and don't have a whole lot to give. I can offer a listening ear. I have a few weary talents and a very inquisitive mind. I can always offer forgiveness. But not much else. When you realize how much God loves you, it shifts your entire economy. Your currency becomes His love, which is far more valuable than what anyone thinks of you or what you think of yourself. When you see how much value God puts on your life, you stop doubting and wishing it away. And then you invest it in His bank, which nothing can corrupt for eternity. 

There are so many things I don't know how to do. I don't know how to make sense of my life, the incredible turmoil, the almost belligerent and unending heartache, the coldness of the hands that brought me up, the strange aloneness, the hopelessness, the perpetual loss, the overall unfairness of it. What do I do with all of that? And the fact that so many people could have done something to help but never did; in fact, they sent me deeper down the rabbit hole. I have no control over any of that. The only thing I control is where I go from here. And I decided on a policy of forgiveness — constant, vigilant forgiveness. 

I am a unique man who has lived an appallingly painful yet unique life. God has blessed me immeasurably. Though my life has gifted me a corrupt script, God can give me a new one. That script may say a lot more someday, but right now, all it says is, "Forgive, Joshua."

Thank you for reading.