Autism in Heels
Cindy shared this link with me July 28, 2017, which was days after she ended our relationship. Go ahead and read it. I'll wait.
Was Cindy in an abusive relationship with her ex-husband? From my perspective, absolutely. She told me quite a few things that were definitely abusive behavior, which was probably just the tip of the iceberg. Even after they were separated, there was an incident when she stood up for herself, telling him he couldn't keep coming into her house whenever he wanted. His reply was to act like he was going to chest-bump her (threat of physical violence, and this guy is huge), which reduced her to tears and her children, as well, her youngest telling her she "should get a new husband." (That's not something any parent should hear their kid say) After calling her mom and telling her what happened, her mom insisted Cindy admit she was in an abusive relationship. Granted, I don't know Cindy's ex or her mom, but when a woman tells me she's afraid her significant other is going to snap her neck (as Cindy told me after she kicked her ex-husband out), then red flags go up. And, perhaps worst of all, this behavior has been modeled for the kids their whole lives. I pray they — especially her daughter — do not end up in a similar position someday.
There were other incidents. One time she found a second phone her ex-husband had in his pants pocket while doing laundry, a phone which he used to contact other women. She confronted him with it while they were in the garage of their home in the car, and his resp0nse was to try to grab the phone out of her hand, which she hung onto dearly, dragging her out of the car, through the garage, the basement, up some stairs to a landing, up more stairs, down a hallway, and into their bedroom where, presumably, he wrenched it from her fingers. There were all the years of abusive, neglectful, controlling, manipulative, gaslighting behavior. I'm sure there is so much more, but, knowing Cindy, she has taken the stance of protecting him from further "betrayal" by not revealing more. This man, who refused to even wear his wedding ring, gets her undying devotion. This man is the definition of an abuser. This situation looks wrong.
I'll come back to how this fits in.
Asperger's — which Cindy likely has to some degree (and also a term no longer used by professionals for diagnosis) — is under the umbrella label of autism, so I will refer to it as autism. I may refer to it as ASD (autism spectrum disorder), as well, but I'm not sure what makes it a disorder when millions of people have it. So I prefer the label ASC, which stands for autism spectrum condition, a less judgy label. How do I know she has autism? She told me she suspected it a while ago, then was unofficially diagnosed recently. It's possible she does not have autism, th0ugh I'm 99% convinced she does after researching a bit on my own and after reading the book she said was like her autobiography — Autism in Heels: The Untold Story of a Female Life on the Spectrum by Jennifer Cook O'Toole. Many people consider Asperger's to be a very mild form of autism, but that's observing from the outside and not the person's experience on the inside.
When people think of autism, they usually think of male symptoms, but females have autism too, and it's vastly underdiagnosed because females do something called "masking" or "camouflaging," which is basically mimicking normal (neurotypical) behavior. So, it hides. Sometimes for decades. Cindy is in her 40s now and only recently became convinced she's had autism her whole life. You'd never know she has autism unless she told you. Her brain is constantly 10 steps ahead, trying to solve problems that haven't even arisen, planning details and execution for things neurotypicals don't even think about. It's a lot of work being autistic because so much energy is expended trying to appear "normal," whatever that looks like (and I'm confused about what normal is, so just trying to figure that out is a full-time job). And you can't see any of this because it's purposefully hidden. The key concept for me is overstimulation (which often leads to overprocessing). The world is perceived differently by people with ASC because their brains don't cut down stimulation like neurotypicals. So they are fighting through more sensory information than anyone has any business dealing with, probably 100s or 1000s of times more. And trying to look completely neurotypical — and succeeding most of the time — while doing it. Pretty amazing, if you ask me.
Below, I've included some thoughtful quotes about autism I thought were relevant.
“Being autistic is not about living in a vacuum, sucking in everything around you, living in an existence shutout from your environment. If anything, the environment becomes more real, more painful, more evident.” – Jocelyn Eastman
“Autists are the ultimate square pegs, and the problem with pounding a square peg into a round hole is not that the hammering is hard work. It’s that you’re destroying the peg.” – Paul Collins
“Autism makes you listen louder. It makes you pay attention on an emotional level as well as an intellectual level.” – Jace King, brother to Taylor Cross, Normal People Scare Me Too
“Autism is about having a pure heart and being very sensitive. It is about finding a way to survive in an overwhelming, confusing world . . . It is about developing differently, in a different pace and with different leaps.” – Trisha Van Berkel
“[So-called] Mild autism doesn’t mean one experiences autism mildly . . . It means YOU experience their autism mildly. You may not know how hard they’ve had to work to get to the level they are.” – Adam Walton
“If you’ve met one person with autism, you’ve met one person with autism.” – Dr. Stephen Shore
Here is a link to an Asperger's-in-females checklist. I've noticed a few of those in Cindy's behavior. What you'll notice is a lot of those behaviors lend themselves to being in abusive/toxic relationships. A man who is prone to abusive behavior would have a field day with a woman like Cindy. What makes her incredibly special also makes her incredibly vulnerable and in need of protection — from the right man, her family, friends, etc. But the man she was with hurt her relentlessly and humiliated her. She accepted it because she made her bed so she had to lay in it. It was almost like she was a little lamb groomed to end up with a wolf — literally like she was programmed to lead the life she did — programmed by autism. Almost like she's programmed for failure.
Cindy started a relationship with me in late 2016. I was convinced we were in love and had a big, beautiful future ahead of us. It was wonderful. I was thrilled. Then she broke it off. The reasons she broke it off are numerous, but some of them go back to her ASC. She didn't want to hurt me. But she was stuck to her ex with an autistic bond that she described as "tunnel vision." She related it to a story from high school (I think): when she went to buy a stereo, the one she wanted broke, so she got another exactly the same and it broke too. Both times they were replaced by the store. She was offered an upgrade to a better stereo as they were all out of the one she wanted but was simply stuck on the one she wanted (which was sure to break like the two before). She reluctantly agreed and took it home, but it was a tremendous disappointment and a struggle. Her ex is that stereo that keeps breaking, but that's the one she wants. She keeps choosing things that don't work for her because of her ASC. I do understand that. Because she is the stereo I've chosen that doesn't work.
October 26's conversation perhaps should not have shaken me as much as it did, but it nonetheless did. Everything seemed so final. She wasn't on the fence anymore. She was way off yonder on the other side. There wasn't the typical Cindy warmth. Just by talking to her, I felt I was tearing her apart. But getting closure was necessary. It hurts even as I sit here today, but it was honest and appreciated. Below is a screenshot from that conversation. There is no changing what is hardwired in her brain — ensconced behavior and habits that, even though they may not be the best thing for her, are what she must do because they are what she has always done. And there is safety in that. Even if she knows it is her undoing.
She told me she has tried to break through these behaviors but to no avail. She is in a sort of autistic prison. I can see her in there, and she can see me out here, but those walls aren't coming down. Her ASC demands sameness, even if that sameness is an abusive, neglectful relationship with a man who cheated on her for years. Her mind is telling her to return to that relationship. As far as I'm concerned, she already has. The snippet of our conversation from Oct. 26 is to show the difference between ASC and neurotypical behavior. She simply cannot make a choice outside of what she's always had, even if that choice is better. Even if that choice is a Godly man who will treasure her always. It seems unfair, doesn't it?
She related to me the Bible verse that says what God has put together, let no man put asunder, and, trust me, that resonates with me. Divorce is a horrible thing. Divorce for an autistic woman is like the end of her world, though. Imagine all of my pain multiplied by 1000. Neurotypicals do not understand the level of trauma involved. She was shattered into a million pieces that cannot be put back together. And I stood by and watched, wondering why she wouldn't move forward with me? Shame on me. She's gone through something I cannot imagine and still is going through it. I cannot blame her if she wants to return to what she had. I have prayed so many times God would not let her enter into another bad relationship if that is His will. That is all I can do. I pray because I care, but I cannot pray for anything outside of God's will.
I think the conversation of Oct. 26 did more than just relay some information I needed to hear. It put to rest the whole shebang. Unless she or her counselor can come up with a workaround to her autistic need for sameness or whatever is bonding her to her abusive ex, there will be no happy ending for Joshua and Cindy. I have brought that conversation to God's attention, and, true to form, He keeps telling me the same thing. I don't need to explain to anyone reading this how insane that sounds. She gave me enough reason to walk away years ago, and this autism revelation says being together is damn near impossible, as she is hardwired to be in a relationship with her ex. My frustration level has reached a peak. I hear a lot of loud voices in my head screaming so many things, but God's voice is calmly telling me to proceed as He told me to almost two years ago. In spite of the danger I see for myself, I simply have to continue to trust I heard God's voice.
There is so much more I can mention about ASC. This post isn't meant to explain ASC, but, rather, how ASC affected the relationship I had with Cindy. Do a google search of adult female autism symptoms and you'll read a whole lot about Cindy, most likely, though the symptoms vary so much from person to person. That's why they call it a spectrum. I even read somewhere that migraines and eating disorders, which she has had forever, are classic symptoms, as are perfectionism and being in abusive relationships. My heart cries out for her because I feel it isn't fair. She is such a wonderful, beautiful human being, and it makes me so sad to see her stuck to someone who is bad for her in so many ways. If she cannot change, then I will pray he will change (and, indeed, I have prayed he will change 1000s of times). If they are going to stay together, then I will pray for that man. Maybe that's why God gave me this love for her and told me to stay put — so I can pray and he will change.
What looks to the world like she is still in love with this man may actually be something else. That's an important distinction. Still, whatever it is holding her to him has the very power of life in it. Imagine putting your whole life and being into someone and then divorcing them. Now magnify that times 1000 because ASC makes a person feel everything so much bigger — so big, in fact, she has to literally stop all feelings in order to not be overwhelmed. In there somewhere, the same thing happened with how she felt about me — overwhelmed, and then broken by that overwhelmingness — which gave her no option but to stop feeling anything and everything. Which meant she had to stop talking to me. In effect, ASC ended our relationship.
One thing I should mention is while I was reading the book, I empathized a lot. It was hard to read for that reason and took me a long time (I'm actually not even finished, but close). I share many of the same traumas as women with autism. In fact, after I wrote my post about my childhood abuse, I read the very same words and felt the same feelings when I read Jennifer's book. So much of it is heartbreaking. I do love Cindy. But there's nothing I can do for her but pray. She has tried to bring me into her life, but she can't. It won't work for her. I threaten her need for sameness. Any sane person would question why I continue to love her and wonder at her, and maybe I shouldn't, but I do. Any sane person would question if I really did hear God's voice telling me being with her is possible in the future. Trust me, I've torn my heart out with these questions. I've never seen a more impossible situation. But God didn't tell me to solve anything. Just to be patient and obedient.
So, recap. From a logical perspective, this is the official end of thinking about being with this girl. Yet, the voice I think is God is telling me to wait and it will be possible in the future. I wanted to write about autism because what this situation looks like without that discussion is this: here is a girl who is simply jerking me around and then decided to ghost me. And that's not Cindy. She's not that kind of person. Yes, she advances and retreats. The ASC has kept her in place, however. Maybe someday that will change; I don't know. But she is not the girl I may I painted her. She is wonderful and kind, and I've made her look like a monster at times. Yes, she did hurt me, but any relationship's end is painful. The more you love someone, the more it hurts. It hurt me so much because I loved her so much. The worst-case scenario is not life-ending: I don't get the girl after waiting a specific amount of time. Cry. Figure out what went wrong. The end.
Anyway, on the flip side, ASC gives her many traits I admire. She is selfless to a fault, highly intelligent, stable, can see things from many perspectives, is incredibly trusting and naive, can endlessly empathize, and is organized and adamantly loyal. I'm incredibly intimidated by her; even talking to her seems like a miracle because I'm so intimidated. I guess the way I feel about her overpowers that intimidation.
I'm just sad she isn't mine. Unfortunately, her ASC tells her to stay in an abusive/neglectful/infidelitous relationship, a relationship she has tried to leave, a relationship where they both cheated on each other — him, for years and to varying degrees, with him even telling her he loved another woman (after she confronted the other woman, who said the same thing), and even bringing home the gift of an STD at one point; and her, with me, regretfully. But God can use our mistakes to make something beautiful, too. God used this crisis in my life to bring me closer to Him. If God can use this situation, He can surely use anything we bring to him. And He'll make something better out of it.
Below are two more snippets from recent conversations. You can almost feel her frustration. And then there's my frustration because I feel God told me to sit still and wait for whatever outcome He has planned in spite of the fact that everything looks so final and "case closed."
As much as I feel sorry for myself, it's a light thing compared to how I feel about Cindy. And she wouldn't want me to feel sorry for her. But, to be trapped like she is ... it's not fair. And I don't see it changing, which is why everything inside me but that one voice is telling me to run. Boy, I hope that voice is right.
While I understand this information gives me absolutely no hope to be with Cindy, I can't help but follow through with what God told me. In the end, if it's found I deluded myself somehow (repeatedly and through curious circumstances), I will be the first to admit it. And then I'll have to figure out how I got so far away from God. In case you're worried about me, I've come up with a plan for how to proceed should that be the case. There are more factors than Cindy's ASC contributing to her being stuck. It's like layers of rope from so many different angles holding her in place. It's all compounded by her incredible guilt of leaving her marriage to be with me and all the pain we've caused people. For the record, I don't see anything wrong with us being together. I don't think anyone else in this world would blame either of us for leaving our marriages. But one thing I know about Cindy is she will seek to do things the right way (even if it's already been undone), even though it puts her at a tremendous disadvantage, even though it doesn't look fair, even though it means saying goodbye to me. Even if it means saying goodbye forever.
My closure?
I don't know why I took our Oct. 26 conversation so hard. I'm still trying to figure that out, but, for some reason, I am exceptionally and unusually open to this woman. Maybe it was just because it was a hard way to end a really bad day. And maybe because I felt like I overreacted to what I already knew, it compounded my feelings. Hard to explain. The more I thought about it, the more I saw how I set myself up to feel bad. I was upset to begin with. I was talking to God, crying, down on my knees, etc., much of the day; at one point, I recall looking at her Facebook page, which I haven't done in forever, and greatly regretted unfriending her a year ago; looking at her ex's Instagram, which is now normal; saw a photo on Facebook from their wedding in which he looks positively underwhelmed while she looks over the moon, leaning into him, smiling, while he is expressionless; and really just spent much of the day feeling sorry for myself that she wanted nothing to do with me, recognizing she had moved on, wondering what I was going to do now, and then we had our conversation in which she told me everything I already knew. I just felt dumb. And after I had experienced all of the above things, her words seemed unnecessarily harsh, but it gave me the closure I sought. She didn't tell me stuff I hadn't already figured out. But it seemed like she, somewhere along the way, gave me hope that maybe someday something might happen. On Oct. 26, it felt like that little bit of hope died.
All I have left is what the small but clear voice told me. Something told me to prepare myself because things were going to get worse before they got better. Maybe this is it? Part of my problem is I have nothing in my life. No friends, nothing to do but watch TV or read, nowhere to go (cus I sold my car and haven't replaced it yet). I have my son half the time. I have my job. That's it. She has so many people and activities and her job and two kids and who knows what else — resources she can depend on and move around in her head and heart when something bad goes down. So I spend so much of my time thinking about her. And she spends her time trying not to feel anything. My loneliness has gotten really bad lately, and that's put me in a different headspace, too. I thought things were better, and I even marked Oct. 20 on my calendar as the day I was officially over what happened between us (but not over her, of course). Oct. 26 proved I was not over it. But I have no choice but to be over it now.
Honesty time. How do I honestly think all of this will play out — from a logical perspective? She will get back with her ex. And then I will have to figure out where I was led astray or how I got off track. I may be mentally ill. I'm not kidding. And I'll have to do some real soul searching to figure out how I got so far away from God's voice. But as long as I feel what God said to me in Dec. 2017 is correct, I will follow through. It's just a matter of waiting now. What I do know is this: however this ends, it's out of my hands. But, consider this, I never would have waited this long for any other female, even if I knew it was a gimmie (and this looks like the opposite of a gimmie). No other girl but this one. That's got to count for something. It just may not be enough.
Right now, Cindy is coming to terms with this thing that has controlled her entire life. She is in a dark and helpless place, unsure of the correct path. Someday these years will be mere memories, and she will laugh at some of her ASC behavior instead of curse it. At least, that is my prayer.
Autism is all around us. Cindy isn't the first person I've known with ASC, not even the first female with ASC I've known. But she's the one I'm in love with. I love her and her autism. It's part of what makes her beautiful to me, what makes her different, better, more human, purer, more wholesome, more fragile yet strong at the same time; in short, she's breathtaking. It's part of what makes her unique. Unfortunately, it's also part of what tore us apart.
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