Free from toxicity

Toxic relationships. It's fodder for songs (like the obvious and, frankly, glamorizing Toxic by Britney Spears) and movies and books. And my life, apparently. The reality is far less glamorous than any pop song, however.

An article here at Hey Sigmund (a site with an obvious psychological bent) details how toxic relationships work. I had a conversation recently with someone when I realized that nearly all of my close relationships have been toxic, starting with my family, the basis for how I interact with the world. 

Yes, I would consider my ex-wife to be a toxic person at times. But how did I agree to be in that kind of relationship? It goes back to my childhood experiences with my parents and brothers. The article mentioned above does a good job explaining how toxic relationships work, which was a head-nodding thing for me to read. Reading is believing. Sometimes we get so bogged down in our lives that we lose perspective. That outside perspective is what liberates us. If we only use our own sightlines, we'll miss a lot. For the record, this was a suggested article and not something I searched for, which made it feel strangely bizarre because it was so accurate. Stumbling upon something and searching for something gives us two different sets of expectations. Maybe that's why it felt so bizarre.

Anyhow, here are some quotes from the article that hit home. Please read the article if you have time, as I think it has a lot to offer even people in healthy relationships, but these are some things that stuck out to me. 

Head nodding:

"Toxic people thrive on control. Not the loving, healthy control that tries to keep everyone safe and happy – buckle your seatbelt, be kind, wear sunscreen – but the type that keeps people small and diminished."

"Toxic people have a way of choosing open, kind people with beautiful, lavish hearts because these are the ones who will be more likely to fight for the relationship and less likely to abandon."

"Non-toxic people who stay in a toxic relationship will never stop trying to make the relationship better, and toxic people know this. They count on it. Non-toxic people will strive to make the relationship work and when they do, the toxic person has exactly what he or she wants – control."  

The toxic nature of my relationships started here:

"All families come with lessons that we need to learn along the way to being a decent, thriving human. The lessons begin early and they don’t stop, but not everything a family teaches will come with an afterglow. Sometimes the lessons they teach are deeply painful ones that shudder against our core. Rather than being lessons on how to love and safely open up to the world, the lessons some families teach are about closing down, staying small and burying needs ..."

"Love has a fierce way of keeping us tied to people who wound us. The problem with family is that we grow up in the fold, believing that the way they do things is the way the world works."

And where I am now:

"The things we believe when we are young are powerful. They fix themselves upon us and they stay, at least until we realise one day how wrong and small-hearted those messages have been."

"The difference is that healthy families and relationships will work through the tough stuff. Unhealthy ones will blame, manipulate and lie – whatever they have to do to return things to the way they’ve always been, with the toxic person in control."
 
This is my family:

"Toxic people can change, but it’s highly unlikely. What is certain is that nothing anyone else does can change them. It is likely there will be broken people, broken hearts and broken relationships around them – but the carnage will always be explained away as someone else’s fault. There will be no remorse, regret or insight. What is more likely is that any broken relationship will amplify their toxic behaviour."

"For a toxic family or a toxic relationship, that shape is rigid and unyielding. There is no flexibility, no bending, and no room for growth. Everyone has a clearly defined space and for some, that space will be small and heavily boxed. When one person starts to break out of the shape, the whole family feels their own individual sections change. The shape might wobble and things might feel vulnerable, weakened or scary. This is normal, but toxic people will do whatever it takes to restore the space to the way it was. Often, that will mean crumpling the ones who are changing so they fit their space again." 

This is how I was treated when I was going through my divorce and afterward by my family. This added so much trauma on an already heaping helping of trauma. It was unfair and heart-rending. 

Yes, yes, and yes:

"Sometimes toxic people will hide behind the defence that they are doing what they do because they love you, or that what they do is ‘no big deal’ and that you’re the one causing the trouble because you’re just too sensitive, too serious, too – weak, stupid, useless, needy, insecure, jealous – too ‘whatever’ to get it. You will have heard the word plenty of times before. " 

Those closest to us are supposed to be supportive and help us reach our potential. Those closest to me have often handicapped me and left me to fend for myself. Recently, when I asked my mother to pray about something for me, she decided to argue instead. This is the kind of support I've learned to expect from my family. It's not, "Sure, I'll pray God's will is done and you figure out what you need to figure out soon." It's more like, "I think you're wrong." Who knows what kind of progress I could have made in life if I had only had one person who put forth the effort to help and support me instead of handicap me, thwart me, keep me small and manageable. Those closest to me have done the very things this article says are toxic. 
 

One thing the article states toward the end is that ending a relationship is often the burden of the person affected by the toxic nature of their partner. And that's unfair and also, perhaps, untrue. That person is merely standing up for himself or herself by saying, "Here is the boundary; now it is your choice." The toxic person can either respect and comply with that healthy request or they can trash it. Ultimately, it's the toxic person's choice to leave the relationship, not the person they are traumatizing with their toxic behavior. That's what people don't see when they're on the outside looking in on a divorce (certainly true in my case). The quickness and unfairness with which people on the outside judge a divorce is cruel and lasting. And that's where I am now. I'm strong enough now it doesn't bother me anymore. There are pangs of guilt. There are moments of doubt. There are times I wish I could disappear. And times I do actually disappear. 

My family will always be my family. My ex will always be my ex. They, most likely, will not change. If they do, good for them! Blaming me for wanting something healthy instead of all that pain is unfair and toxic in itself. There's nothing I can do about that, though, except forgive and let it go. And move on. 

I keep coming back to my family issues and my childhood. It's where most of my hurt stems from. Relationships later in life just extended that storyline. God wanted me to come back and revisit all of those old wounds so he could change the end of the story. Because the track I was on was so self-destructive it was going to kill me. I was literally killing myself. God saved my life by bringing me here. During the darkest time of my life, He brought me closer to Him. 

As far as my family goes, all I can do is put boundaries in place for my own wellbeing. And I just have to accept the way they are. My ex I'm friends with but I don't want more than that. She understands how badly she hurt me and accepts I want nothing to do with her in that way. For the sake of my son, we have to be friends, otherwise, I would say goodbye to her.  

Maybe what I want isn't out there. I'm not asking for too much, am I? I want a safe, healthy relationship where both parties feel respected. Even if it's not out there, I still don't want the toxic relationships I've had in the past. It's clear I was suffering under a load of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), which I hope to write about in the future. Most of that PTSD was from my childhood and the abuse I suffered. Carrying all of that into a toxic relationship naturally led to that relationship's demise. I simply had no rest from toxicity and no escape. I was surrounded by it. But, now I'm not. I've put boundaries in place.

What's happening now is two-fold: I'm looking toward the future with hope in my heart. I don't know if anything is out there for me, but that doesn't mean I can't be hopeful. At the same time, letting go of toxicity has allowed me to grow and change and heal. Forgiveness is what makes all of these things possible. It's what allows me to continue to live and work here, to be friends with my ex, to be in the presence of my parents and brothers, to have hope in my heart. All of those things would not be possible if I was unforgiving or resentful. So, thank God for forgiveness.

And thank you for following along.