my careless contagion

Rejection played a big role in my life. It doesn't have to be intentional. People passively reject others all the time. It doesn't have to be something we even think about in order to reject someone. Do I think everyone who rejected me wanted to hurt me? No, in fact, I don't think any of them wanted to hurt me. It was unintentional. But, if I perceive something as rejection, it is rejection, regardless. I can't tell someone I didn't hurt them if they felt hurt by something I did. With that out of the way, here are a few things I learned about rejection. This is only my opinion.  One of the worst things about the rejection I felt from my family (and I heard this from others who experienced the same) was I felt the need to change somehow. As in, they wouldn't reject me if I was someone else or changed my behavior. I think this is perhaps how I ended up with a different personality than my birth order would suggest. My natural personality is laid back and silly, fu...

Disclaimer: If you feel you may be triggered by discussion of childhood abuse, sexual abuse, or anything akin to that, please know these are discussed in this post. I apologize in advance for the messy way this is written. This was a difficult thing to write. I'm writing strictly from my own perspective, however, I realize childhood trauma's effects look different in different people. All I know is myself, and that's all I can write about, so that's what will follow. Childhood sexual abuse (CSA) is a monster. An article here makes it clear it isn't going away; in fact, it has only proliferated in the digital age. So many kids have been traumatized by CSA, and, as they enter adulthood, they bring that trauma with them. I know this firsthand, as I was one of those kids.  Some of the stats for CSA are hard to comprehend. Some sources say up to 30% of men and up to 40% of women have experienced CSA. Those numbers are probably low if you factor in non-cont...

Toxic relationships. It's fodder for songs (like the obvious and, frankly, glamorizing Toxic by Britney Spears) and movies and books. And my life, apparently. The reality is far less glamorous than any pop song, however. An article here at Hey Sigmund (a site with an obvious psychological bent) details how toxic relationships work. I had a conversation recently with someone when I realized that nearly all of my close relationships have been toxic, starting with my family, the basis for how I interact with the world.  Yes, I would consider my ex-wife to be a toxic person at times. But how did I agree to be in that kind of relationship? It goes back to my childhood experiences with my parents and brothers. The article mentioned above does a good job explaining how toxic relationships work, which was a head-nodding thing for me to read. Reading is believing. Sometimes we get so bogged down in our lives that we lose perspective. That outside perspective is what liberates u...